Happy Trails to Me...

Life sometimes reminds me of a cattle path.  We (the cows) follow the same patterns so much that they become smooth and make grooves in the ground where eventually, the grass stops growing.  It’s our nature to take these established, easier to travel patterns until they turn into deep trenches. The paths are familiar, if not comfortable, and we don’t have to think too much about staying on them as we trek along towards our destination, which is the goal, the outcome, the cool drink of water.  But the paths are winding and dusty and filled with challenges and frustrations, and sometimes I'm just so sick of them I just want to be there, dammit!. Like, ten minutes ago.

Yesterday for example, I found myself extremely cranky at about four o’clock after several hours of working on a particular project.  I had just made a rather big mistake that I was going to have to once again spend a lot of time fixing; I was mad and I began to whine to myself “It’s too hard and it’s taking too long.  I just want to be done with it.  And it’s so complicated!  Why do I always have to make it so complicated?” and in the spirit of honesty, I added, possibly aloud “This sucks!”

Since I wasn’t enjoying myself, I decided to go for a walk, (To be precise it was more like “Screw this, I need to exercise, anyway!) I stomped around, kvetching obnoxiously, looking for lost earphones and sunglasses, and then suddenly while I was putting my shoes on I had to laugh at myself.  “What does that mean – it’s taking too long?” I thought.  “I’m the one who designed it, so why am I angry that it’s challenging?  And who am I mad at anyway?”  I realized at that moment that the project is as it is.  My irritation and frustration came from not being present in the moment.  Instead of looking around and enjoying the view from the path, I was racing to the water, as it were.  And it wasn’t that pleasant or fulfilling for me (or anyone who was within earshot of me.)

 

How many times have I done that, I wonder? Lost sight of the moment, dropped into the old pattern and gotten stuck in the trenches.  Not just in my art, but my life.  I’ve been so busy trying to get, accomplish, have, become - I’ve fallen, literally fallen into despair because I can’t seem to get “there.”  I seem to make the same mistakes over and over. But I keep taking the same paths!  I can’t get away from them because I’m so focused on what or where I want to be, and  I miss too much along the way. Maybe I even miss some new trails or chances to take new paths that go a different way simply because I’m not paying attention! 

Suddenly I’m realizing that it’s not the entirely the pattern that’s the problem.  The path’s just where I landed – I don’t have to stay on it if it’s destructive or circular, but I will always be on some path as long as I’m alive.  Happiness doesn’t come from reaching a destination or goal. The nature of life is to get right back on the same path, or another path, or start a new project, or find a new mistake to make.  That’s not to say it’s wrong to set new goals, to strive to improve oneself or forge a new pattern - that's part of the human experience as well. 

 But now I see  that I will never, ever, “get there.”  Because there is no “there.”  There’s only here. And true joy comes from paying attention to what is, from being  present as you travel your many paths. For me, it’s (yet another) reminder to be present, to enjoy (of if I can’t enjoy it, at least accept) what is, right here and now, because I’m already “there” and always have been.   I just hadn’t noticed.   

Here's my Happy Trails Quilt:

An Element of Fun

Be careful what you wish for, the old saying goes - you might just get it!  And get it I did.  And  I don’t know what to do with it?  Or how to make it work.  Recently, with my husband’s blessing, I quit my job with no immediate plans to look for a new one.    I decided to let a job come to me instead.  I know who I am and what my skills and talents are, and I just feel like I want to take time to find the right thing  - or to create ,the right thing, whichever.   Meanwhile, I'm super busy -  for the first time in my adult  life, free to spend hours a day creating and writing, something  I’ve dreamed of for years.   

The trouble is, I’m having just a little trouble embracing this unexpected boon.  Now that I have the time and the ability to work on my art, I can’t seem to allow myself to just enjoy it.   Instead there is guilt and anxiety about it – as though I don’t deserve it or it can’t possibly last or (and this is the worst one) I’m not doing anything important.  Well, maybe I don’t and it won’t and I’m not, but here it is anyway so why can’t I just shut up and “Carpe Diem,” dammit?   Clearly I’m creating a problem where there isn’t one – what complete rot! 

What I should be feeling is gratitude and excitement, but for some reason I’m fighting it – that stubborn, inbred puritanical streak snaking up and stopping all my fun!  Again!   It goes to show that humans can create struggles even in the happiest of life circumstances -  kind of the mirror to the silver lining deal.   In every good thing, there is an aspect of negative.  Hey - I’m living the Chinese philosophy of yin/yang!   How charming.

The trick is, I suppose, to just try to ride the yin and yang waves with equal parts acceptance, gratitude and hope and to try, whenever possible, to spread the love around, so to speak.   Enjoy and be grateful for the good, endure and accept the bad, but don’t be too attached to any of it.   I’ve always known that happiness cannot depend upon life circumstances, which are always changing -  happiness is a state of mind, even a choice.   I know this is true; during dark times I’ve used it to help me get through the tunnels of despair…still,  I’m amazed at how it actually takes just as much discipline to accept good fortune - to just enjoy the ride!  It seems that gratitude actually takes practice.

 In which case I shall just have to grit my teeth, work hard and just endeavor to endure this peaceful, blissful moment...even if it kills me!

Oops I did it again:

Okay, I know I promised to keep you updated on my vow to not start any new projects before finishing all my old projects.  I can report that I have completed three entire UFO’s.  Hooray, considering for some reason I found it very boring - I am so “over” those pieces.   I still have two old projects that need to be quilted, including the “Neverending Quilt,” which by definition will never be completed, I suppose, so whatever on that one.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I’ve also started and finished two wall hangings and a large throw quilt, spent four days on a shower curtain for my bathroom and am currently working on a project I’m calling “Pink Doesn’t Stink,” which I am enjoying immensely, by the way.

Hey - I’ve not added anything to the UFO pile, so there it is - progress!   At least it's progress by my definition, and well -  I'm the boss of me, aren't I?!   

There's Enough Blame to Go Around...

Some people have a hard time admitting they are wrong, or have made mistakes.  I don’t have that affliction.  In fact, my tendency is in the opposite direction – I tend to blame myself for every problem that occurs in my life – boots don’t fit me?  There’s something wrong with my foot.  Something isn’t working – I’m probably using it wrong.  After an argument, I’m pretty much always the first to apologize, and usually I assume the brunt of the blame for starting it too.

 Now-some things really are my fault, so it’s a good thing, I think, that I can own up to it.  On the other hand, sometimes I end up blaming myself and feeling like a loser or (this is the worst) feeling guilty when it’s really not me causing the problem, and there is the rub, as they say.  I will blindly continue trying to use something or do something a certain way (as the instructions or whoever tells me to do it) and it turns out I’m not doing it wrong at all – I’m just suffering from faulty instructions! 

Take for example a recent revelation I had with the machine I use for quilting.  I inherited this machine from my excellent mother, who taught me how to use it and happily shared it with me when she was still on the planet.  Now I’m in my tenth year of quilting, and I’ve probably made at least fifty or more pieces, ranging from queen-sized bed covers to twenty-four by twenty four wall hangings.  I’ve done the majority of my quilting work on the old Brother, and I’ve always felt like I must be really uncoordinated, because I’ve never felt like I mastered the rhythm of the machine.  I secretly (or maybe not so secretly) have dreaded the quilting stage of a project because I feel like I’m really weak at it.  I’ve struggled to improve for ten years, and really have felt badly and even been sometimes even unsatisfied with some of my pieces because I thought I just couldn’t master the skill and the piece didn’t turn out exactly the way I wanted it to.  Not to mention my ripper and I are on frightening intimate terms, if you know what I mean. It may soon become a sixth finger for me.        

Turns out it’s not really me that is the problem at all – it’s the machine!  I discovered this when I decided to use my Bernina to quilt a small piece I was working on.  I figured it was small enough not to want to have to change machines, so I put on the free motion foot and practiced for a few minutes.  I couldn’t believe the control I had with it!  That piece was literally FUN to quilt!  That’s the first time I have enjoyed that step of the creation process so far, really.  I just felt so in control – amazing!  The reason it is so much more fun, I believe, is because I didn’t have to worry so much about the length of the stitches or how fast I was going – turns out this machine has a stitch regulator, and that, my friends, makes all the difference in the world!

Anyway, I learned something about myself, too - I’m afraid it’s an ego thing – whereas some people absolutely have to be right, I always believe I’m defective.  I hold myself to this high standard that I would never impose on anyone else – never!  But I don’t need to delve into the psychology of it, it doesn’t really matter – just making the connection – well, it may sound nuts, but ever since I made this realization, I’ve been able to stop myself from listening to that inner mean voice that always tells me I’m wrong and analyze the situation BEFORE I blame myself - that’s a good thing! 

Another good thing has come out of this situation, too.  When I told my husband the story of me and my machine and my great realization, he rubbed my back and said, “See you’re too hard on yourself – it’s not that you can’t do it, it’s just the machine.”   I cuddled up next to him and said, “You know, honey, you’re right – I need to not always assume that I’m the problem.  That machine I’ve been using just isn’t that great.  In fact, it stinks….that’s why I might need to get a new machine.  What do you think?” 

Hey, maybe I do blame myself too often, but I ain’t STUPID!  

T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-Too Much Time On My Hands! (from a 1970's Styx song, for those of you who might know it and want to hum the tune)

The other day I made a realization.  When one has a lot of ideas and suddenly has the actual time to pursue said ideas, it’s hard to figure out what to focus upon.  It’s not a new realization, really – I always seemed to struggle when I was taking only twelve hours in college, and my best semesters of all happened when I was working twenty or more hours and taking eighteen hours.  I was busy as hell, but I got everything done and made good grades to boot.

At the moment I have the opposite – I am completely in charge of my day, which is a heavenly luxury.  But - I’m having a hard time getting things done.   I don’t know which “project” to focus upon, and I end up either completely neglecting one thing for others, or just feel overwhelmed and end up spending way, way too much time lost in the cyberworld.  (It really is addicting- there’s so much to see, to research, to be inspired by…sometimes I feel like I’m Harry Potter and the internet is the Penseive thingy – I get too close and suddenly I’m sucked in, trapped until it decides to spit me out!)

One might say that I have too many projects.  Well, too bad for that – I am determined to work at all these things to their ends, or until and unless they no longer make sense to pursue.  I can let go of things if they aren’t right, but sometimes one has to keep pushing to make things happen.   I don’t feel like I’ve ever really given some of these things that kind of effort, time and attention  yet.   So they are all still on the docket.  Period.

It’s ironic, though, that we often wish we had more time to do this or that, but when we have the time, it still goes just as swiftly as it did when we didn’t have it!  I now see why my older sister is so hyper-organized - she seems to have schedules for her schedules!  I understand - she has so much on her plate that she simply won’t get things done if she doesn’t have time budgeted for it.   To me, that has always seemed too rigid - I’ve always been more of a “take things as they come,” sort of girl.   After all, I don’t want to miss out on any serendipitous events!   (I’m sure my sister will tell you that it leads to my being somewhat flighty, and I won’t deny it.  But I do have the good grace to feel guilty about it, at least…) And I’ve managed to get things done and be successful without it – mostly.

 Too, when I was the mother of a young child, I ran across mothers who would never alter their child’s routines – everything revolved around the child’s schedule.  That was NOT me.  If there was something to do and it was naptime or lunch time, we skipped naptime, ate on the run and went and had fun!   Yet I will admit that most of the time, we did have naptime, and a bedtime routine, and yes - a set schedule. 

So I guess I need to do both – set a schedule and maybe some deadlines and follow them the majority of the time, but still be flexible enough to stay with something if it’s inspired, or needs attention right now.    After all, creativity and inspiration are not subject to schedules – they appear when they appear, and I’m still me enough to have to go with them when they do their dance on my head.  

Such a lovely dilemma to have, anyway.   I’m not complaining – just, as usual, working things out as I write.  I wonder if most people feel torn, as I do, between being a disciplined grown up and a free-spirited will o’the wisp.  For me, it’s been sort of a lifelong battle between my two, seemingly equal, natures.  It’s difficult to embrace both sides and make it work.  The practical side has won out mostly and I frankly resent it sometimes!  But now that the other me is free, I fear it needs to be reined in a little because it’s a little scary!  And maybe not so productive, and life is short! So once again, I'm trying to balance the two with an uneven scale.   I’ll try to be honest about how things are going.  For example, I did plan on blogging on Mondays, and here it is Wednesday…oops - already off schedule!  J  

It's a Mod, Mod World

I love the modern quilt movement.  The designs, the fabrics – all of it are so fresh and cheerful and free.  I don’t know how long it’s been going on – I discovered it about two years ago.  There was this blog on the Modern Quilt Guild site –  the title was 100 Days of Modern Quilts.  I spent a lot of time on that blog, and still use it for inspiration.  The Modern Quilt Guild, or MQG even put on its first big quilt show, called QuiltCon, last year.  As it was in Austin, Texas  (right down the road) I not only went to the show, I volunteered, something I would highly recommend – it was really fun.  And the quilts – oooh -  I loved them ALL!

I volunteered mostly because I want to be a modern quilter and I don’t know how.  I mean, I think I understand it, but when I design, I can’t seem to come up with anything that fits the modern quilt sensibility.  I’m not so sure why, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because I’m just not cool enough.

The modern quilt movement seems to be pretty dominated by people in their twenties, thirties and forties although there are people of every age participating.   There was a definite hip vibe there – lots of funky glasses, mod haircuts, many body piercings and orange, purple, green and blue hair…I dug these people, they seemed like my own.  Afterwards people from the quilt show even shared their tattoos on the MQD blog – many of which were quilting, sewing, or creativity-related!   All I can say to that is “Well.”  I don’t think I have to go that far, do I?  I mean, I don’t have anything against piercings, but I don’t want to have to do it just to be able to quilt modern!  (Though the idea of having purple or pink hair is actually appealing to me, but at my age (49) it seems a little “wanna be.”)  But I do.  I do so wanna be -- a modern quilter! 

After seeing the art works in that show, I can say that modern quilts are absolutely a departure from the traditional way of making a quilt.  Very few of them use traditional quilt blocks (although some do) and there are definite specific types of fabrics that most modern quilters use.  Another thing I noticed was negative space – there seems to be a lot of that, too.  Okay, I get it…at least I think I do…but still, I can’t seem to come up with ideas that seem modern.  

I’ve been trying and trying to push myself in a certain direction, because I like what I see there.  But when I stop and think about it, I have to wonder why.  Does it really matter whether my art fits a certain description?  Of course not.  It is what it is, man.   

Oh well - I guess I can’t order up what kind of creativity I want to channel.  I’ll just have to make do with whatever ideas come my way, and be grateful for them.  It’s not as though I don’t like what I’m creating, so it seems silly to be so focused on trying to create in a certain “genre.”  I can still be inspired by and love modern quilts.  I can buy books and study them and make other people’s designs.  And I haven’t given up hope of coming up with some “modern” designs of my own.  It could still happen – I’m not dead yet.  I’m just not going to force it.  I’m just going to take what comes, and enjoy the ride.  Maybe I’m not cool, but I am

                                                                        Zen.   

It Doesn't Hurt to Try...Does It?

To some, it might seem like a waste of time and resources to work on a project that might end up in the depths of the landfill.  While it is indeed a luxury to be able to potentially toss something if it doesn’t turn out (or turn it into a rag, or a doggy pillow, or whatever), it’s also an opportunity: to create without any expectations.  Now, I’ve never been afraid to try new techniques or crazy ideas, but one thing I’ve never done is just sit down and play, without a real idea or a sketch, or even the expectation of the outcome of a finished product.  It just seemed too self-indulgent a thing for "Practical Carrie" to do.  

To my mind, going blind into the foray of creation can have three possible outcomes – something totally crappy, something good, or something great.  (Maybe there is also a fourth possibility, which is something truly extraordinary.  One should never rule that out, I suppose.)  But for me, it’s a scary proposition because I am programmed: to NOT waste time, to NOT waste resources, to ALWAYS pursue excellence, and to ALWAYS have a finished product.  So if it didn't seem like a good idea, I simply didn't try it.  But as my husband put it the other day, “Every idea isn’t a genius one.”  So true.  Something else to remember, on the other hand, is that each idea - stupid, ugly or useless as it may seem, carries the potential to lead to something worthwhile. So it shouldn't hurt to try stuff...should it?

Last week I decided to go through my fabric scraps and leftovers and “organize” them.   As I did, I found some squares of fabric that were given to me at QUILTCON last year.  For once having the luxury of time, I decided to play a little.  I put like colors together and began cutting them up and re-sewing them, mixing the fabrics, etc. to create new squares.  I wasn’t exactly bowled over by the results, and since they were free and I didn’t really care about them, I felt perfectly at ease with the idea of just tossing them. So it was out of pure curiosity that  I stuck them on my design wall and played around a little, wondering if there was anything I could do to make them more interesting or likeable, thinking I might just toss them; trying different arrangements and not being one bit invested in actually producing a finished work…

And playing around with them off and on for a couple of days; I ended up with this (not quite finished yet, but wanted to share it anyway):

It’s small, and perhaps not too excitingly original, but in the end I think it’s cute and cheerful and I know I had fun making it.  And it’s made entirely from stuff I had on hand, and  lastly it's a surprise how much it appeals to me – I really like it!  Go figure.

I felt so pleased with Green Peace, as I call it, that last Friday I tried free creating again.   My niece and nephew (aged 6 and 10) were at my house and while my son Jonas and his cousin Karsten were playing video games, Aven and I went up to the sewing room.  She found some 2 ½ inch squares of really cute fabrics that were also freebies from QUILTCON and fell in love with them.   I told her to make any arrangement she wanted on the design wall, and I would show her how to sew them together.  She had so much fun with it!   (Her seams were pretty straight, too!)  And the result is well – so modern and I think, adorable! 

She decided to frame it in white, a result I love, and I’m trying to convince her to make it into a pillowcase, but she wants it to be a quilt, which is fine.  I guess I was just surprised by how much I liked this simple little rectangle made of squares. It’s really the fabric and colors that make it so cute.  At first I tried to stop Aven from putting white squares next to each other, but then I just decided to let her do it exactly the way she wanted, and it’s fine and I call it (appropos a six-year-old) "Missing Teeth."  

From my recent experiences I (as usual) learned some things.  First, not to always be so invested in trying to create something “new” and “original.”  It’s okay just to play with color or put things together in a simple way – one can still end up with something really keen and likeable.  And second, not to have to have an outcome in mind, meaning a finished piece.  If I try something, and it doesn’t look good or I don’t like it, I can always “scrap” it and move on to something else.  Especially when I’m literally using fabric pieces that are either free or leftover from previous projects. 

These two little experiences were so enjoyable, it made me change my mind about the scraps.  I was going to sell them for fifty cents at my spring garage sale, or donate them…but now I see their value.  I’m going to keep at least some of them - for futher experiments!  Maybe my little realization is my coming late to a party that many people have been enjoying for a long time – well, better late than never.  Now that I’m here, I’m stayin’ for a while!   Who knows, it could lead me to my best work yet!  One thing is certain – I’ll enjoy the ride wherever it takes me – whether it’s to the garbage can  - or someplace maybe a little less stinky.  

And Now, Let Us Give Thanks

        Gratitude is the order of the day.  Life is full of challenges, and it’s our nature to dwell not on the good, but to focus upon the negative for whatever reason.   There's even a name for this phenomenon - it's called ruminating , and some psychologists believe there are valid reasons for it ( you can google it if you want).     Whatever it’s called, frankly, it reeks and I don't care to validate it.  But the truth is,  the older I get and the more pain, sadness and suffering I see, the more I realize how easy it is to be taken over by this destructive and useless “thinking.” 

       I’m in good company – look at  Mark Twain, a brilliant man who in his younger years possessed a sardonic, hilarious wit, and whose humorous and irreverent stories had the ability to entertain and poke fun at human beings (himself included) while simultaneously embracing and loving the very humanity of us.  He was able to make us laugh at our ridiculousness with a lovingkindness that was not only not threatening, but was often uproariously funny and even sometimes taught a lesson.  Sadly, he became quite cynical and depressed as he got older – a true curmudgeon in every sense of the word.   I understand how it can happen and I’m not judging you, Mark!  I just don’t want to suffer the same fate. 

          Which is why I’ve resolved to start and end each day with gratitude.   Today, for example, I’m flooded with a profound feeling of thanks which I’m going to take the time to express, enjoy, and hopefully pass on to you.  Don’t worry, I realize that often it can be boring to be subjected to someone else’s litany of thanks (even though it is undoubtedly helpful to remind oneself – often - of those specific people, ideas, and things for which we are thankful).

         Instead, I shall point out my gratitude for some things rather larger -  the infinite mystery of my individual existence, for one.  Think about it.  The fact that I exist at all is a miracle.  Despite our myriad differences, all our ancestors have one thing in common – they survived – at least long enough to reproduce – no mean task in the prehistoric, or even the civilized world.  And it led to each of us being here now.

       Too, all we know, all we have is built on the learning and knowledge even of our most distant ancestors – even Australopithicus had a hand in the invention of lasers, computers, and allergy pills (and in this season of cedar fever I give profound thanks for them!)  The deep understanding of plants and food sources which allows us to feed so many;  technology which has made the entire world instantly accessible; science and discovery that has made it possible for millions upon millions of people to survive infancy, all comes from millions of years of experimentation, luck, and knowledge passed down from generation to generation.  (And who knows how much we’ve lost, only to be re-discovered in the past/future!)

       The fact that I’m sitting here today, writing on this computer is a small miracle, to me.  I’m not going to analyze the reasons or to say something about justifying my existence - something that I’m often apt to do - not today.  Today I’m just going to let the gratitude for this realization flow through me and experience the joy of it.

        Then there’s creativity – an infinite amount of it - that exists in every one of us.  It expresses itself in an untold, immeasurable multitude of ways.  I’ve heard some people say that no idea is original; that everything that’s been said or created or made or done has already been thought of before.  It may be true, but to me that just illustrates the connectedness of all things – it’s a beautiful thought to know that somehow in this world of multiplicity, we’re each linked to each other through the same creative force.       
     And why such a premium on originality anyway, given the fact that we owe our very existence to constantly building upon the collective knowledge and experience of those who came before us?    Even if two people simultaneously come up with the very same idea on opposite sides of the universe, why does that compromise its usefulness, or the infinite number of ways it can be utilized, changed,  looked at - what difference does it make if it’s “new,” if it has the power to bring joy, comfort, connectedness or peace?

        I  have a knowing; a deep sense that each of us present on this planet comes from the same place, that we’re all connected to this creative, loving force that gives us all this richness and multiplicity.  Aside from all the interesting, exciting and deeply pleasurable opportunities it affords, it also makes me feel such an amazing feeling of joy. 

        And for the ability to feel that joy, I feel deeply, profoundly (Yep, you got it!)

                                                        Grateful. J