When is Failure not a FAIL?

Failure isn't the opposite of success, failure is a stepping stone on the way to success.
                                                                                        
                                                                                      Arianna Huffington's mother

I finally finished my before un-named piece that I've been working on for a good two months or so.  It now has a name, Magnetism, but before I show it*** I want to tell the story of its creation.  This is one of those pieces that looks really simple (in fact I had to seriously check my ego when my sister-in-law said it looked like it was easy to make), but wasn't actually easy at all.  Basically once I had the drawing, I had to work out the construction, and it took a lot of thinking (for me at least) to figure out.  Once I got the how I was gonna do it, I had to actually do it.  Let me say, however, that although I felt it was a challenge, I really found myself enjoying it rather than being frustrated.  In the end I made about 7 extra squares because I wanted to make them as well as I could (notice I didn't say perfect, because I know better than to strive for perfection).  I even only got mildly irritated when I cut right through two completed squares and totaled them while trimming the colored circle seams. No cursing or even kvetching at all - that has to be a record!   

Once I got enough squares completed to my satisfaction, I was ready to construct the top. In my original drawing I had continued the yellow through the black sashing.  I worked on it for several days and tried many different ways, but I was just not able to make it work.  To my surprise, I really didn't find myself irritated or impatient at all even though nothing I tried worked.  Yes, I was a little disappointed, but once I saw it put together I was completely happy with it even though it hadn't lived up to my original expectations. 

Yahoo!  Now I was excited to back and quilt it, but then - I got another idea!  I decided it might be nice to put little black and white pluses in the middle of the piece.  Knowing it was not going to be a quick deal, I debated with myself and even took a photo and asked my friend Diane if I should.  She said yes of course - why wouldn't she?  It looked good and besides - she didn't have to do it!  But I agreed, so I then had to go back and undo the sashing and do what it took to add the pluses, adding more time and challenge.   And yes, some mild irritation attempted to sabotage my zen, but I succeeded in ignoring it and remaining calm and patient and yes, I really loved the result and deemed it totally worth it.

Finally I was ready to back and quilt it.  I don't really remember when I started it, but I have to say that this piece had already taken a lot longer than I thought it would but - and this is big but for me - despite the challenges so far I really had intensely enjoyed making this piece and I really, really liked it.  I spent a lot of time thinking about how to quilt it, but I couldn't come up with anything. Finally I got irritated with myself for acting like I was designing the Taj Mahal, so I just sat down and started quilting just the corner pieces.  And I'll be darned if I didn't like it!  

It was really time-consuming, however, and in the meantime I spent at least three hour-long walks trying to come up with a quilting design for the middles of the squares.   Again disgusted with myself putting too much energy into it, (I mean, I'm not going to be put in quilting jail or lose a limb if it's not right, am I?  It's just not that important, Carrie!) I sat down and started quilting the middle squares.  This time, however, it didn't work out.  Well, let me correct that - at first I thought I was happy with it.  In fact, I was so happy with it I actually quilted three entire squares.  Then I put it up on my design wall and looked at it for a day or so and realized not only was I not happy with it - I HATED it.  It wasn't true to my own personal design aesthetic at all - I realized I was trying to do heavy quilting like I'd seen on many quilts at Quiltcon - and more importantly, it wasn't at all right for this quilt.  But it was a heckuva lot of quilting and would take a heckuva a lot of time to pull out all those tiny stitches...

I thought about leaving it and just finishing the piece, I really did.  I mean, how important is this quilt?  I'd already spent so much more time on it than I had anticipated, and I do actually have other obligations to fulfill.  On the other hand, I really, really love this piece (sans the quilting, of course) and I really, really wanted the quilting to be right.  So I sighed heavily and began to pull all the stitches out.  It took over 45 minutes to undo the quilting on only one side of each square, but I took my time and pulled out every one of those suckers. And (and this part is almost miraculous to me) I actually felt grateful while I did it, because I was so glad that I could actually fix it.  After all, I wasn't in a hurry to finish it, and no, it's not important in the great scheme of things, I get that.  But when I had time, I worked on it a little bit.  To say I enjoyed it would be exaggerating, but I didn't mind it at all.  When I got too fatigued I just stopped and put it aside.  It took about a week, during which I finally figured out how I actually DID want to quilt it, and now, well - I sort of feel like it's some of my best work, ever!

But more importantly - I enjoyed creating this quilt, failures and challenges and all.  It was frustrating at times.  It took a long time.  It could have been a complete failure.  But it wasn't. And I really believe that in part it succeeded because no matter what happened, rather than allowing negativity to creep in, I just enjoyed the challenges.   I stayed calm and positive and was almost  - dare I say it?

                                              zen

Do I expect to be this way all the time from here on out?  Of course not!  I'm still me, and I'm far from enlightened.  But I'm going to try to remind myself of the joy of this experience often - especially when confronted with things that frustrate or annoy me.  Who knows - maybe in time it will become my way of handling things MOST of the time.  I think I'd like that.

***  I'll share some photos of the completed Magnetism in my next blog, I promise - it's late and I'm too tired to deal with photography right now.  Here's a look at the piece with the "all wrong" quilting, though.  I made it extra big so you could see it.  (Ugh - I still don't like it!)

Scraps or Crap? A Leftovers Dilemma

Arrgh - can't sleep so I might as well write the blog that's been rolling around my brain all week.  I want to share an idea I have gotten recently about which I am extremely proud and excited not because I'm certain it is so original, but because it is a solution to a problem I've had for a while and I'm excited about it.

You see, there are a couple of things I find challenging about being organized in my studio. One of those things is scraps, which have always been a bit of a thorn in my side.  Scraps have annoyed me because I seem to lose all logic in the face of them - I cannot seem to apply the obvious solutions, which are to donate them or to offer them to the local quilt guild. I'm not sure why these perfectly excellent solutions aren't happening, I can only say that I seem to have an unnatural attachment them and what they MIGHT become while at the same time, I hate how disorganized they are and how much space they take up in my studio most of the time when I'm not using them.  I know that there are many people who really, really use their scraps all the time.  I just don't seem to be one of them.  So there they sit all fat and wrinkled and fat, and yes, I admit, I've actually thrown a bunch on my burn pile once. But the guilt of that decision is still with me, so I won't do it again - I promise.

Then, too there is the defining of scrap - I mean, how small does a scrap have to be before it is time to throw it away?  Or is it wrong to throw any fabric away, no matter how small? And what, size-wise, is a scrap as opposed to a piece of material that should go back into my stash?  I don't want to have to wade through a bunch of small bits of fabric when I need a large one but I don't really have room for a bunch of smaller bins so all my scraps go into the same bag, which makes them messy, wrinkled and irritating...unless I find the perfect scrap when I need it which makes me happy and glad I saved it.   

In my scrap bags there are several different kinds scraps.  There are fabrics I have used in several projects that are still somewhat sizeable - maybe around a fat quarter's worth or bigger.  I don't want to use them again, but I cannot in good conscience throw them away because they are large-ish.  The second kinds of scraps are bits of material that I love so much I that I cannot bear to throw even the tiniest bit of it away because I would like to use it again, but the scraps are really pretty small, so why am I saving them?   Also in there are irregularly shaped pieces that had weird shapes cut out of them, but aren't necessarily small, just misshapen (Aren't all scraps misshapen, you might ask - yeah, but some are more odd than others). Then there's stuff I got for a specific piece that I don't have any further use for at the moment (the moment lasting about four years) but who knows, I may have use for it at a later date (although I doubt it, but still, you never know).

Again let me point out that while I'm aware of them,  I have emotional difficultly applying the obvious solutions, which even in the middle of the night make perfect sense...so instead I came up with this idea:

I have decided to cut them all into squares. At least as many of them as I can. When I am cutting for a new project, I am vowing to spend up to half an hour extra cutting the leftovers (unless there is more than a fat quarter) into squares.The squares at this point will range from six inches to one and a half inches.  Why squares, you might say...why not strips? Well, strips may be easier and faster to cut, but strips are difficult to keep from getting messy and wrinkled, whereas squares are much easier to store neatly in baggies.  And squares are very versatile, too.  A larger square can be easily turned into a different shape - a circle, a half-square triangle, a hexagon, etc.  And when I want to do a quick easy project with by nieces or nephew or a charity project, I will have squares at the ready and I/we don't have to spend so much time cutting.  I just really like the idea of having a bunch of cut up squares that I can use - whenever.  I will put them in baggies not according to color, I think, but by size.  It may make sense at a later date to do color, too, but I'll revisit that if I have to.

It will be a discipline, I know, because usually when I am cutting fabrics I am all hot and heavy to get started on the project, but hey, it's good for me to add discipline into my life wherever I can - builds character, right?  But I also think I will be glad I did it.  

Now the big question for me is what do I do with my current scrap bag?  I'm tempted to just dump it at the donation center, but I think instead I am going to go through it, pull out fabrics I like want to save and cut them into squares.  Ambitious - yes I suppose it is, but I can stubborn and single-minded when I want to be.  Whatever is left will be donated,period.  No debating with myself. 

And from now on, a new rule: in order for me to save a piece of fabric, meaning put it back into my bins, it must be at least fat-quarter sized or larger, and I must really, really like it and know that I will use it again.  If there are smallish bits that I like, I will cut it into the largest possible squares.  If I think I won't use it again, no matter how large or how lovely, I will donate it.  And I vow to donate at least every other month, that way I won't have such a large amount of stuff taking up space in my studio. And annoying me. 

While I'm at it, I'm also going to donate a bunch of things my excellent mother, who was gadget-addicted, bought.  I haven't used them in four years, so the odds are that I won't ever.  And someone else might.  It's hard to part with them for the same reason it's hard to part with scraps - you never know when they might come in handy...and, well, my mother bought them and they remind me of her...but the truth is that I like to work in a more organized space than I have at the moment.  Mother, I'm certain, understands this.  

Like I said, I am probably way late to the party - many people may already be doing exactly this, but I'm still excited about it and want to share it in case it helps anyone else who might have my weird scrap issues  (Hey, I may be late, but at least I've finally arrived!)

So I'm curious - what are your scrap solutions -what works for you, because I know everyone is different.  Please share with the group, now - you never know who you might be helping...

I Have Been Obsessed!

Last week I started a new piece, and I have literally been obsessed with it for seven days and nights.   I'm not exaggerating - I actually woke up in the middle of the night Sunday and couldn't sleep for thinking about it, so I got up and worked on it for three hours.  Last night I planned to go to bed early because I was so exhausted, but I went back to my studio after dinner at around 7:30 instead, thinking I just had two more rows to sew and then I  could rest happy in the knowledge that I had finished and I would still get to bed early.  I think I got it together by 8:30 or so - great!  I was still on track to go to bed early EXCEPT....I wasn't happy with the offset effect (unfortunately I was too delirious, so I didn't think to take a picture) but instead of a half-frame, which was what I wanted, I had a cross in the corner, which I didn't care for at all.  I asked my husband to come up and look at it, and expressed my dissatisfaction.  He said "I like it the way it is," but let's face it, he was lying because he just wanted me to GET OVER IT!  But I couldn't.  It just wasn't right.  So at 9:00, after getting prepped for bed, I went back into my studio.  I decided to just rip off the bottom rows (two of them), flip them and then I was certain I could relax and go to sleep.

But once I got there I couldn't stop  - I was too hyped up - I just knew I wouldn't be able to sleep if I went to bed then, I needed to see what it was going to look like...I decided to only figure out the changes I needed to make - what squares I needed to add or take off, etc.  Naturally, because I am spatially challenged, it took me over an hour. All that was left was to sew it all together.  I really, really wanted to, but it was 11:30 and I was cross-eyed tired and making pretty much a mistake every two minutes, so I grudgingly went to bed.  I was able to fall asleep serenely knowing that it was all laid out and all I had to do was put it together.

Of course I woke up in the middle of the night and guess what I couldn't stop thinking about?  I tried counting sheep, but they turned into rainbow colored squares!  I was awake at least two hours, during which time I really really wanted to get up and finish, but I didn't because I knew I was too tired to do a good job sewing.

At 6:00 am this morning, however, I popped up to pee, and the squares danced in my head, so I gave in and finally, finally got the thing put together.  Hooray.  I love it now and

I can't wait to start quilting it....

It's Simple, Really

Things are a little more back to normal around here, and I have finally gotten back to work. Last week I created a piece I'm calling Aurora Borealis. 

It's a ridiculously simple piece, inspired by some pictures of the Northern Lights in Iceland. Even though it isn't technically complicated, I feel like there is still a strong visual impact with the different shades of blue against the gray and the quilted wavy lines which represent the "bent" light. 

I really like it (although it isn't completed yet - I ran out of the gray so I'm waiting to get some more for the binding).  I could easily see this hanging in someone's office, kitchen, dining room, bedroom....for me it evokes a certain feeling - peaceful yet energized - that I like.  There's also, to me, a kind of "hip" vibe I get from it, which I also like.  But I must admit I feel a little defensive about it, because it is so simple.  I feel like I have to defend it, to point out that it is worthwhile, even though it wasn't difficult to construct, to justify its creation, as it were.

All of which makes me wonder a little bit.  What is it about art that makes it "good" art?  Is it the idea, the feelings or vibe it brings out or projects, or the technical skill behind the making?  I've been looking in different places for inspiration lately, and something I have noticed is that when something appeals to me, it isn't necessarily because I realize it was obviously a time-consuming, skill-developing, painstaking something to make (although I can certainly appreciate that about something).  It may be that I have a strong visceral response to it, or I can see the thought process that's behind it, or maybe it's the use of color, or a graphic element I appreciate.  Sometimes, there's just an elegance or simplicity to which I respond in it.  Or it's just, plain, beautiful!  To me, there are so many ways that not just a piece of art, but anything - even a beautiful line on a pot, or the movement of water as it flows from my refrigerator into my glass, or words strung together on a page can be breathtaking. mesmerizing...inspiring.  

Take Alexander Calder, for example.  He's definitely one of my favorite artists.  I pretty much love everything I see of his - paintings, wire art, sculpture...there's something about his sensibility that really speaks to me. Just looking at his mobiles makes me catch my breath with joy. But most of it is visually simple, really.  I'm not saying it was technically easy to make; I wouldn't know or presume, but there is a simple elegance about it - yes it makes a statement, but it's not yelling at you, it's dancing...whispering... singing...flying...ahhh - I'm swooning just thinking about it!

Here are some of my favorites for you to enjoy, too!

People have all sorts of reasons for creating art, I know - sometimes it's a social or cultural statement, sometimes the purpose is to expel personal demons, to wake people up, to express anger and frustration, to effect change, or just to document the beauty they see. Well, I know my purpose.  My art is created with breathless joy, excitement and anticipation which hopefully spills over into the creation itself and into everyone who sees it. At least, that's my goal.**

I know, it sounds almost putridly goody-goody, but I don't care!  I really want my art to spread joy to the people who see it.  I want them to get a positive, peaceful, happy, exhuberant or "cool" feeling whenever they look at it.  I want them to swoon with joy, too.  

Which leads me to this thought about myself as an artist:  While I like to push myself, skill-wise, (which I constantly do because I'm mostly self-taught and I don't know any of the shortcuts or simple ways to do things), I also sometimes just have a feeling I want to express, or colors I want to use together, or something really graphic I want to create just because it makes me happy to look at it.  It may not end up being a challenge to make, skill-wise, but still, it was my idea (in that it came from the universe through me), I  took the time to create it from my vision, and well, isn't that enough to make it worthy or "good?"

I realize that there are as many different ways to respond to creativity as there are people on the planet, and I'm not only cool with that, I think it's wonderful, fantastic, lovely. But -  I'm going to try not to feel like I have to justify my creations anymore, be they simple or nail-bitingly complicated.  They come to me from the creative universe, and I'm lucky enough to have the (overwhelming, really) urge and ability to turn them into something others can see and enjoy and respond to as well. I hope with all my being that's the result. It's that simple. Really.  


**In the spirit of full disclosure (especially for the people who live with me or know me well) - sometimes I find myself frustrated and cursing, etc. (as I've shared before) when I'm creating, but I truly strive to keep it to a minimum because I figure that negativity may creep its way into my art.  In fact, I've begun a little discipline with myself; if I'm feeling negative and frustrated I will tell myself I have to walk away right now or let go of it, because I will not create in a negative space.  Usually all I have to do is remind myself of this, because I don't really want to stop working, I just want what I'm doing to work, dammit!  And once I realize this and take a few deep breaths, I can go back to creating with the correct mindset.  If not - well - it's time to do the laundry or clean out the car or exercise or do something infinitely less appealing than creating art.)

From EPIC FAIL to Can This Be Saved?

Two or three months ago I bought some really gorgeous, earthy toned fabrics that I loved at first sight. I didn't need them, but couldn't resist and bought them anyway.  I loved them so much I pinned them up on the wall so I could stare at them.  They hung for weeks, and I loved looking at them, but I was working on other things and couldn't get to them. 

One day as I was perusing one of my favorite blogs, The Quilting Edge, I saw a place for tutorials.  Wondering why I hadn't looked there before I, I saw one in particular that caught my eye.  One she calls, Wonky Circles. That was it - the "design" for the earth fabrics.  The instructions were clear and there were excellent pictures.  I knew the basic idea and was certain I could do it. I was so excited I dropped everything else and began pulling fabrics to coordinate.  

At the end of the first day I noticed the thing was a mess! I wasn't sure whether the fabric combinations were working out, I had not planned any placement of the squares at all and didn't really know where I was going, I couldn't seem to get the right rhythm for sewing the concentric circles. I was feeding the fabric in wrong ( I guess!) and my squares were anything but square!  They poofed out in the middle, they had lots of other pooches - frankly, they were crap! That day I was undaunted - if the squares were wonky that was fine, I was going to press them with steam and starch, and trim them down quite a bit anyway. Besides, I would get better by the second day, I was certain.   So I just forged ahead and did a lot of seam ripping, and re-sewing, but with joy, with excitement. It would come together, I was certain.  I had faith.  

However, by the end of the second day I told my husband I was considering throwing all that beautiful fabric in the trash - it stunk.  Late in the evening, I began to trim the squares (perhaps I should have waited until the next day?) and they still sucked.  I had to trim the things three times to be able to have a uniform size.  Then, even though I they looked more like water pouches than quilt squares and despite utter exhaustion, I insisted on pressing, pulling and starching the buggers; after that I still could not stop and I kept trying to arrange the voluminous squares to a pleasing state. And no, I was not zen - there was a lot of banging, pulling and cursing, although I did bring myself back to presence again and again....and again and again. And again.

Finally I forced myself to go to bed at 12:30.  As I did, I noticed all the squares being blown off the design wall by my ceiling fan.  I did not care, because I had decided to trash the entire thing.  I was just accepting what was.  And what was was that it was not.  Working out, that is.

Otherwise occupied so I couldn't work the next day, and having decided to chuck it all anyway, I was serene.  Oh well, it has to happen sometime - not everything works out, I figured. I was sad about the waste of those delicious fabrics but "OH WELL,"  I was letting go.   Still, I could not resist checking one last time on The Quilting Edge just to see if there was something I had missed.  As I sighed and stared at the perfection of Marianne's work, I noticed she had put sashing on her piece.  I am normally not a fan of sashing, but the thought crept into my brain that sashing might be a way to save the quilt.  Just MIGHT be, no guarantee.  

So I decided to try it - give it one more chance - what the heck - I really adored the colors and fabrics.  I had even (surprisingly) cleverly taken a photo of the arrangement I sort of liked with my iphone.  With the promise to myself of remaining calm and present no matter what, I  began to add sashing, cutting the sashing exactly to the correct lengths and making it fit.  And to my surprise - it began to come together!  By the end of the day, I had most of it done and OMG!  It looked good.  And even, dare I say - SQUARE!

So the thing worked after all.  I won't say it is perfect, because it ain't.  But it is - well, I'll let you judge for yourself:

I deliberately put in a large photo so as not to hide the imperfections - they exist, but I think they actually go well with the overall feel of the thing!

For me, the answer is YES!  It could be saved.  And I am so very

GRATEFUL. 

If It Ain't Broke, Take Care of It...So it Don't

Kind of scattered today; have a bad tooth that needs fixing and I think it is making me a little tired. (I have a dentist appointment on Monday, but I think I waited a little too long to address it - may end up losing the tooth - glad it is a back one!)  This morning I was thinking about how expensive it is to go to the dentist - I mean,  I've already spent a thousand dollars on this tooth, and now I have to spend more. I was quite annoyed about it, really, when I made a realization.  I have no trouble spending money on art supplies, face creams, clothes, entertainment - things I enjoy, but I don't like to spend money on my health.  Why is that?

I realized there are two reasons -one of them is because of the obscene cost of any kind of  health care, no matter how simple, even with insurance (which I  don't consider even remotely useful - it's a just-in-case thing - we have yet to meet our deductible, ever).  The other reason is because I take my good health for granted.  I expect to be healthy. I mean, the main reason we never meet our deductible is because we don't need to go to the doctor very often.  So maybe I shouldn't complain when I do. In fact, I think I should be downright grateful about it.  And - I shouldn't take good health for granted.  I mean, I do try to eat pretty healthfully most of the time and traditionally I have exercised regularly (I do sometimes go through sporadic bouts of laziness, but I always come back to exercising because frankly, I feel better and am happier when I do) but I'm going to add my good health to my gratitude list more often.

Speaking of good health, since I "retired," I realize that it is more important than ever to exercise every day, especially since I now spend so much time at my sewing machine.  Being a teacher, I walked and was on my feet at least eight hours every day, and now I spend a lot more time sitting, and as I've mentioned before, sewing can be hazardous to one's health.  I have packed on a few very unwelcome pounds in the last eight months, so in my dorkiness, I have come up with ways to counteract the perils of sitting.  (Huh! Those office people with their walking machines and standing desks have nothing on me.)   Here are a few of the sitting-related issues I've noticed and the stuff I am doing to counteract them.

First I noticed  that I am losing muscle in my stomach from hunching forward which also, by the way, leads to a sore back and rounded shoulders, which I do not like at all.  Besides doing some heinous pilates, I am trying to address this issue while I work as well.  I make a conscious effort to sit up straight and hold my stomach in when I am sewing. I constantly roll my shoulders back, too.  I even switch feet on the presser pedal because I figure that it works the lower abs just a little if I am holding them tightly and pressing on the pedal at the same time.   Sometimes I crack myself up just a little, thinking I'm so EFFICIENT and PRESENT and all, doing these silly little things, but hey, it can't hurt, can it?

Second, I stand up whenever I can. There are a lot of opportunities to stand when quilting - one can spend hours cutting, for example.  Or pulling fabrics for the next project, arranging pieces on the design wall, ironing...so that's great, but I try to find other ways to get off my duff, even for a few moments - if I need to pull stitches out, I stand up.  If I cut something, I stand.  If I need to look at a sketch, I stand.  If the phone rings, or I need to check something on the internet, I stand.  I don't know if it makes any difference, really, but I still do it

Third, I make sure that I get up every hour and do something active for at least 15 minutes, too.   Everything counts, from doing laundry to watering the yard to getting dinner started.  This has the added benefit of my actually getting some household chores done, too - I can still spend lots of time sewing and can eliminate any guilt I might possibly feel for ignoring what I admit I consider to be my responsibilities...killing two birds, you know.

I keep water by my side all day, too.  Because water is important for so many reasons.  I stretch and sometimes I even take a break and do some stupid little isometric exercises, just whenever I think about it.
These are the things I am trying to do to countermand my suddenly much more sedentary life, which I really am enjoying enormously (except for the poochy stomach, which I really believe I CAN conquer; I don't care if I am middle-aged - stomach fat is not a given, just a tendency).

In short, understanding how important it is to be active, I'm trying to fit activity in while still doing the things I really love and want to do.  As nerdy as it may sound, I think it is making a difference.   If anyone else has any ideas or tricks they do, please share - if it's not too insane, I'll probably be willing to try it.   And I'll let you know when the pooch is gone.

WIP Report

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I  finished my ode to Andy Goldsworthy triptych.  I really love them, too.  Right now they are hanging over my bed.  I've been trying to come up with something for years!  They are perfect for the spot, and Paul (hubby) loves them, too.

I also finished a summer project for my brother and his family - also three pieces, but very large (seven feet by twenty-four inches each) and designed specifically for their house.  I am super pleased with them and luckily so is Katherine (sis-in-law). I will take a photo as soon as she gets them installed.

I started a project yesterday that I am so into, I only have eight more pieces to make (out of twenty) that's how motivated I am.  It's not my original design idea,  I got it from The Quilting Edge, my favorite blog.  It kind of reminds me of Chagall's circle painting but I have these gorgeous earthy fabrics and I thought the design would work well. Not an easy sew, however; much cursing and bringing myself back to presence throughout the day occured. It's going to be worth it though, I think...Next time, however, I am going to use a different technique - this one was not fun enough to repeat.  Still,  I can see many different iterations on the theme - I just want to find a less annoying (to me, anyway) way to do it!

It Could Be

I’ve been meditating daily for a while now and boy, do I see a difference  - in well, everything.  It helps me be so much more present and aware of things, which in turns seems to lead to more and more (and more) inspiration.  It’s such a lovely gift to have all these ideas waiting in the background - as soon as I finish one project, I’m super excited to begin the next.  I sometimes feel as though I’m in a constant state of excitement and anticipation because I love what I’m doing so much.  I can’t wait to get to it every day, and sometimes I even neglect other (some might say, more important) things because I just want to get to my studio and CREATE. 

For example, until yesterday I had been fighting crabbiness because I hadn’t been able to work on anything in over eleven days – I was having creation withdrawal!  There was a sort of discontent in the background that I kept having to dispel by forcing myself into the present moment.  It worked though. and I was able to fulfill the other obligations I had and with joy and gratitude.  But boy oh boy was I happy to be back in my studio yesterday! 

I have to admit, though, that I’m starting to wonder whether I’m spending too much energy on the wrong thing.   With all this bliss and inspiration comes a dilemma – how can I be so driven to create, so full of ideas and enthusiasm and joy and energy, with no practical outcome to it?  There is a goal, yes - to sell my art, to have it bring as much joy to other people as creating it brings to me.  (At the risk of sounding arrogant, self-indulgent, or maybe deluded(?) I really, really LOVE my creations .  All of them!  They give me so much delight and wonder, I want them to do the same for others.  I mean, it could be.

I know there are lots of ideas and lots of really gifted creators in the world – I’m  quite grateful for and inspired by them.  If I ask why I would expect to be successful in the face of all this amazing creativity,  my husband often says “Why not you?” Yes, why not me?  If my spiritual teachers are to be believed  - and I think they are - there is enough to go around. Hey - it could be.

I follow a lot of bloggers who seem to have "success" with their art – they are teaching, they are doing pieces on commission, they are getting their art put in galleries and shows, they have sponsors for their blogs, they have thousands of followers…and after two years of blogging I am, well, let’s just say, less followed.  Am doing something wrong here?  Am I too focused on the creating and not focused enough on the marketing?  I suppose it could be. 

In my defense,  I am trying to develop a web page but find it so tedious and frustrating that I have gotten exactly nowhere with it.   I realize I need some help, because computer stuff just ain’t my thing.  (Computers are great, I love them.  But I don’t like to figure out how to do things on them - not even a little.  I only like for someone else to show me how to do what I want. )  But if I really want to have some of that kind of success, I will have to make this a priority, I think, not just be so focused on creating.

What is success, anyway?  Perhaps I'm looking for something outside myself when I need to go inside and find it.  I know I am certain blissed out (well, most of the time) when I am creating - can't ask for much more that, can I?

The thought sometimes occurs to me that I should just stop all this nonsense and go get a “real” job, sell my sewing machines and give away all my fabric and throw out those Styrofoam heads, paints, and all my other art supplies and let go of this dream of creating art.  But will that stop the flow of ideas and enthusiasm and almost physical need to create that pervades my being?  This cannot be!

Instead, I think it will just direct the creative part of me to other endeavors – I know when I was teaching I had the same experience with ideas and inspiration – it was constant and I loved it and I KNOW my students benefitted and learned from it.

You see, the amazing thing about creativity is that we can be creative with ANYTHING!  Yes, even accountants can be creative (and I don’t mean in unlawful ways) with what they do, if they love it enough and are open to the creative force of the universe.

For me, it comes down to this:  I like – no, I LOVE to create.  It’s so much a part of my being that it pervades everything I do, from cooking to exercising, to organizing, and to yes, art.  I don’t know if I’ll ever enjoy “success” with my art, and I suppose it doesn’t matter.   I’m not quite ready to give up on it yet – I don’t feel like I’ve given it enough time – after all, anything worth having is worth working for, right?  That said, it’s still a considerable comfort to know that creativity abounds and that it can be expressed in countless ways, and that even if I do have to let go of this particular dream, if I remain open to the universe, I can still feel the incredible, miraculous bliss of creating, just in a different way. 

But one thing is certain.  Life is about balance.  And maybe the message I’m supposed to be getting is that I need to balance my life more – not spend so much time on this one thing, but find a better balance between creating art and creating and doing in other parts of my life.  It could just very well be.

WIP UPDATE:

Amazingly,  I’m nearly finished with my pieces inspired by Andy Goldsworthy’s art - the ones that were the subject of my blog a couple of times ago that took so long in the planning.  Although it took a full day of decision making to get them planned out, as I suspected, the actual creating didn’t take nearly as long.  In fact, at this point, they are sandwiched and ready to be quilted. 

It may take another day to figure out how I’m going to quilt them, though.  I want the quilting to really enhance the design, and there’s a lot going on, so I think it has to be pretty minimal, or at least not prominent, and I’m a little stuck.  I’m going to throw them up on the wall and just stare at them for a while.  I’m sure something will come.  In the meantime, I have plenty of other projects to work on.

Flying By the Seat of One's Pants

Recently I took a webinar with Cheryl Arkison  It was sooo fun and informational - she's terrific!  I sort of fell in love with her for several reasons - one of which is because she drinks beer while she sews - but also, she's so talented and creative, and - she basically took away my guilt for wanting to work on more than one piece at a time.  She said she has about thirty works in progress right now, and that sometimes a piece is speaking to you at this moment, and sometimes you have to put it away for a while and start something else and get back to it later. And Oh man, I so agreed!  It was so freeing, so now I'm going to work on whatever I feel like in the moment, not slog away until I finish something (unless I have a deadline, of course, or I want to.)  

Anyway, I've had this idea loosely based on Andy Goldsworthy sculptures floating around in my head for a while but being me, I hadn't started it because i was working on other stuff.   Today, however,  decided to take Cheryl's advice and start it even though I'm not finished with my current project.  "This is thing that is speaking to me today and besides, it's so simple," I thought," I can finish the entire top in one day probably, and then I'll go back to my current project..."

 Let's just say I was a little wrong.  Just for fun, I'm going to share my day and the process of improvising this quilt, as it turned out rather differently than I anticipated.  

Here is the original sketch, which was made a few weeks ago.  I liked, but didn't love it. 

Then I did these, which I liked better.

After thinking and staring and drawing some more, I decided to do a triptych - type piece using three different colors for the nests and for the twigs.  Since I knew the rough idea, I decided to pull the fabrics first. 

 I was shocked when I realized this step had taken about two (very enjoyable, fabric-fingering) hours.   No worries - the rest was going to go really fast.  Or so I thought...

Suddenly I realized I didn't have a background color.  I didn't think white would be right.  I toyed with dark brown, dark blue, dark green - but I didn't have big enough pieces of any of those colors at home.  So I went to town and stared at fabric for a while, something which is also very enjoyable.  I found a beautiful sky blue, but I didn't want it to be the entire background, so I added a kind of rough cotton in a beige-y off white that looked great with it.  

When I got home, I went back to sketching.   I decided to have a sloping "sky" with the earthy beige on the bottom. 

This is the final sketch (I think).   Looks pretty simple, huh?  Not so fast.  I now needed to decide how big to make the squares.  Eighteen inches seemed great, so I cut one beige and one blue, made a random cut through the center of each and sewed it together. It looked good!   I then wanted to see how big the nest in the center should be, so I quickly cut some circles. They were too big so I had to cut all of them down.  Did I want them in the center of each block, or randomly placed?  I decided the center, and all the same size, although I still have to decide if I want them perfectly centered in each other or a little off kilter (Later, later, I'm not there yet - see what I mean about many decisions!?).  

I picked up the greens and began to cut snippets from the the edges, just to see how it was going to look.  I still hadn't figured out the exact construction; at the time I was thinking I would do the slice and insert thing and then do appli-piecing for the nest.  But I wanted to see how it was going to look against the background first.  It was rough, but I was liking it.  I actually really liked the unevenness of the green pieces so I decided I want the snippets to be more like branches - not the same width from end to end (they look more nest-y that way).   I couldn't figure out how to do that with the slice and insert (without driving myself mad, that is) so I decided to do rough edge applique, although I am not a huge fan of applique (don't know why, just am not). 

Once I finally got the block set up I really wanted to put the square on my design wall so I could stare at it, but the individual snippets would not stick to the fabric!  So  I ended up putting it on the floor and staring at it from my lofty, almost six-foot height. 

I liked it, but at that point, I realized that eighteen inches was just too small; I would have to make the squares larger. (Don't know why the beige looks so pink in this picture, but it's not pink at all, just fyi.)

Back to the cutting board. 

The new squares are twenty-one and a half inches, roughly.  I almost didn't have enough fabric to do it after cutting so much for practice - that would have really been annoying (If I still got annoyed that is, which, what with my being so zen and all, I hardly ever do!) 

At this point it was five o'clock.   I would have liked to continue working, but dinner had to be made, the garden had to be watered, my blog had to be written...and I was ever so slightly cranky - from having to make so many decisions and not getting to any actual sewing!    The only other thing I got done today was to back the green fabrics with Steam A Seam (a rather boring task - I practiced not thinking, being mindful - it helped).   

Here's what I actually physically completed today, although I see that I am going to have to pull the stitches and fix it as well, so - not really complete, oh well.

So surprise, surprise - my simple design turns out to be a damn sight more complicated in the actual doing.  It turns out that there are lots and lots of decisions that have to be made when one is flying by the seat of one's pants!  I surely do hope it turns out to be the beautiful piece I'm envisioning because it certain is NOT simple and easy to make.

  I know, I know - I'm supposed to be focused on the DOING, not the outcome - but OY!  When I stop and re-read all that and I realize that most of my creating is done in the same manner,  I'm surprised I get anything completed, ever!  I must like it though because, like I said - I kind of do it all the time!

Still, it was a good day.  Although very little sewing got done, at least I know where I'm going with this.  I'm tempted to say the next part should go fairly quickly, but  I learned enough from today not to say or even think it! 

The biggest challenge, of course, was to remain present and calm, which I'm happy to say I basically did.  It's good to know that I accomplished SOMETHING, anyway.  

Deceptively Simple

My latest project has led me to once again, learn a new lesson - sometimes it's the things that look the easiest that prove the most challenging.  Take for example, straight lines.  Straight lines are not easy to make look crisp and clean, especially when dealing with fabric.  Even attempting to quilt in straight lines is not easy, as I am learning.  And woe be unto you if you mess up on the first line, because then you find out all the lines after have to be corrected, but not usually until you've done quite a few.  At least that's what has happened to me.  After ripping out several long rows in my quest for perfection, I finally found a strange little arm I could attach to my presser foot that I'm using to guide me, but even with it, I still have to do a fair amount of stitch pulling.  I'm using it as a way to remain calm and present.  If I can't be cheerful while working on the piece, I stop.  Once I read where some quilter said "Not every day is a good day to sew curves."  The same can be said for straight lines!

It made me realize that we tend to look at simple pieces of art and think that not much thought or effort went into them, but perhaps we are mistaken.  There is a quote that I have perhaps shared before about how any idiot can make things more complicated but it takes real genius to make it simpler, and I agree.  We might do well to remember that next time we look at a sculpture, for example, and say "Oh, anyone could do that!"  I hear it a lot, especially when people talk about modern art, and I couldn't disagree more.  To make an eloquent statement in a simple manner is not necessarily easy.  The sculptor Andy Goldsworthy comes to mind. Here is an example of an incredibly simple piece of his, but to me, it speaks volumes.

I love this kind of stuff, and after watching a documentary on Andy Goldsworthy, I know for certain that a great deal of thoughtfulness and effort goes into his art.  And that the creation of it is anything but easy.  Still, it has a kind of effortless simplicity that is absolutely elegant.  I find it quite inspiring.  

Here's another remarkable, yet simple Andy Goldsworthy piece - most of his are the epitome of the fact that 

simple isn't always easy, but it can often can be quite satisfying. And it can be very difficult to achieve.  So here's to simplicity; no matter how hard it is to achieve, it's well worth the effort. 

Update on Quick Quilt-Fixer Upper!

Well, I got it fixed - the warbled edges in my piece- such a relief!  Here I am, with iced tea, music, seam ripper, and the piece:

.  Note the smile - I had a positive, can-do attitude!  Here's what I did:  First, I ripped out the seams in the middle of the quilt, except for the blue center strip.  Then I measured down the middle of the top to the middle of the quilt and carefully measured inch by inch along the yellow and white and cut it to the same length.  Then I flipped it over and did the same for the bottom half and viola! It zipped up quite nicely - no more gaping.  Now the thing is sandwiched and ready to quilt, and for once, I know exactly how I'm going to quilt it.  My only question to myself is whether I should stitch in the ditch to preserve the straightness of the lines or just do the overall design.
I know Weeks Ringle, my current guru, is against ditch-stitching, but I wonder if in this case it's necessary, again, to keep everything super straight and crisp....I need some research for this, I think.  I'm going to the Craftsy Class I took from her to see what she has to say.  I'm also going to have a look-see at what another currently hot quilting guru, Angela Walters, has to say about it in her book.  Naturally I'd rather take the lazy way and not do it, but I'm pretty attached to this piece and I want to do whatever will make it look the crispest (if that's a word).  Oh joy, she doesn't stitch in the ditch, either!  So I guess I'm not going to because why do it if you don't have to? 
So far I'm quite pleased with this piece, now that I've gotten it fixed..  It has been rather a challenge, which may be surprising, given that it looks so simple.  But it really wasn't.  I had to be quite vigilant about making sure it was sewn as straight as a  semi-blind girl who tends to fudge and who is also without a quarter inch foot can sew (which, lacking vigilance and discipline, can lead to much stitch pulling, which in turn can potentially lead to cursing and frustration, which is not allowable if one's goal is zen... and which I am zen to report did not happen!   For once, I kept my presence about me, believe it or not!) And any time there is bias involved, it is tricky. But I'm nearly there, and like I said, pleased.

Here it is before sandwiching, hanging flatly on the wall, like it's supposed to.   It's simple, graphic and I love the colors - I think I'm going to call it The Sunny Day, cause it's just so darn happy!

You Do the Math!

I wish I had paid more attention in my math classes.  I distinctly remember saying many times over in my high school  “I’m never going to use this stuff anyway – what a waste of my time!”  (Sorry for my shitty attitude, high school math teachers, for the record, I was SO wrong!)  What I don’t get is how I managed to make straight A’s in math at the time?!  Go figure!  (And yes, that pun was intended.) Now I really wish I could remember how to do some of that stuff, because believe it or not, I find I often need (gasp) MATH for some of my designs. 

Naturally I would prefer to have a computer program that would do the math for me, but so far I haven’t found one that does what I need it to.  Not that I have looked very hard – yet.  But after the latest issues I’ve had, I may begin a search in earnest. 

It all started with the usual – my getting an idea for a design that I had no earthly idea how to put together.  Here is the original sketch. 

After dutifully drawing it on graph paper, with a scale of 1 square equals 2 inches (It sure looks all official and math-y to me!)

I still didn’t know how to figure out the exact dimensions of the side triangles (I was pretty sure it wouldn't work out to count them diagonally...) But I wasn't concerned about that yet because... 

First I had to think for a moment on how to actually construct it.  Even though it’s a simple graphic design, putting it together was not so obvious to me right at first (Yes, I readily admit to being spatially challenged!)  I decided to construct the middle triangles first,

 then add the one-inch strip of white to the sides of the triangles, (these blue triangles below are not sewn together yet, they just look like it)

So far, so good, right?  But now I could no longer put off figuring out the dimensions of the yellow triangles.   How hard could it be?  I knew the length of the one side by measuring the while pieces on the sides, and I knew it was a right angle, and I knew how wide it had to be from the skinny part of the triangle to the edge if the quilt - at least I thought I did, but I still felt unsure.   

 SoI tried to draw it on an online quilting program but there was no tool for just drawing a straight line and then getting the measurements. 

I thought and thought some more and suddenly the math fairy came to me and reminded me of the Pythagorean theorem: A squared + B squared = C squared.  Only every time I did it, it didn't seem right, and I was scared to cut the triangle and have it not fit and then have to cut more strips and sew them again. 

In the end I decided to forget about trying to be all scientific and just fly by the seat of my pants, like I always do.  I would sew strips of fabric together, then sew it to the side of the triangle and cut it to fit.  No problem, I thought – I have carefully sewn the middle and it should be easy to use the straight sides to use as edges for cutting the triangles. 

What a disaster.   After sewing it together twice, it is still all wonky and I had to stop for the night lest I lose all my ability to remain even the tiniest bit zen due to massive Frustration!  

I was showing it to my husband, and I got the brilliant (we’ll see) idea to measure each triangle down the middle and cut the bottom of the side triangle to that exact specification, (I already know the one side is the correct length as it is sewn on and trimmed) That should straighten it out.  I was too tired to do it last night, but I’m going to take out all the stitches and try it this morning.  I’ll let you know how it goes…I may end up yet cutting and sewing more strips, but I’m resigned to the idea – I really like this design and I’m going to (cheerfully, dammit) make it work.

This whole thing goes to show that I really need a book, a class or (and this is my favorite scenario) a computer program that will do the measuring for me.  All I would have to do is draw the design into the program and it will not only add the seam allowances and tell me the exact measurements, but will also calculate the fabric needs as well.  If such a program exists and doesn’t cost too much, somebody PLEASE  tell me, because my art brain and my math brain do not match up at this point and it’s testing my ability to be - you know -   

Zen!