The 'War of the Thistles' and Other Distractions

I have the great fortune to live on a beautiful cattle ranch in the Texas Hill Country. 

Happy pastures full of grass means contented, happy cows!

  My father has spent forty-five years trying to return the land as much as possible to its natural state. This means that every spring we have the "War of the Thistles," where I go out daily through the fields with a special hoe (designed by dear old Dad) and seek out the lairs of the dreaded thistles that threaten to take over and infest our lands with more of their kind, crowding out the native grasses we so lovingly protect.  I actually really enjoy it because I love walking, I love being outside, and I prefer it to spraying chemicals all over the place. Now I realize the relative futility of the thing - there's no way we can beat the things entirely. However, we can keep them hidden in the dark labyrinths of uncut, ungrazed forests of trees like the evil hydras they are. 

You may see a beautiful, majestic plant, but to me it is evil Medusa and her monstrous sisters trying to take over my peaceful, pastoral world!

A friend of mine recently went to a ranch where she noted to the rancher that she didn't see any thistles.  He replied that he did have some, but he didn't worry about them; that if you have enough grass the thistles can't take over.  Now, we have a ton of grass and I'm not entirely convinced - those thistles are clever and extremely prolific.  I've fought with patches of  hundreds of them at a time (we'll call those battles a draw) and we've been warring with them for years and still they keep insinuating themselves back into the mix.  So I'm not gonna just sit back and take the chance that they might not actually take over my beautiful ranch, no siree - I've seen it happen to unwitting fools who don't pay attention to their land and it's NOT PRETTY!  It's devastation - I mean, acres and acres of them and not a lick of grass!  So I'm stickin' with my trusty hoe method as long as I can walk and swing, thank you very much.  I'm doing my best to keep the pastures - well, pastoral.  Happy grass means happy cows, goats, chickens, horses, geese, and of course, happy ranchers...

We've had a magnificent spring this year, too.  There's been lots of rain, bringing tons of breathtaking wildflowers...acres of grasses swaying in the wind...and also lots and lots of these evil, powerful, growing-genius, WEEDS!  Anyway, I try to spend only a couple hours per day on it, maximum, but it is definitely a daily time suck.

Another thing that has consumed a large amount of the last couple of months is that my husband and I have been working on some projects which  have involved not only a lot of computer and phone work, but a lot of driving around and meetings.  I'm quite excited about them, yes, but still, they only have allowed me a couple of hours here and there to create.

And finally, my son is graduating from high school this year, and there's always so much to do during the spring, school-wise, anyway.  But this year there are way more awards ceremonies, concerts, meetings, etc. than ever.  And I admit, I don't want to miss a thing, because he's going to school a thousand miles away next year. And I will miss him a great deal.

For the above reasons, I really haven't had much time in my studio in the last month, which is okay I suppose; I've been truly obsessed with creating for almost two years.  I've had idea after idea - last year I started and completed something like twenty-two (or more) projects , all my own designs, all completely done by yours truly.  I was a busy, busy bee.  And I thoroughly enjoyed it.

But since I've been away for a few weeks, with just a snatched hour here and there, I seem to have lost my Mojo.  I'm not feeling particularly creative, and I'm questioning the purpose of all this creative frenzy I've been in for two years.  I mean, yes, I certainly created a lot of stuff, but was it time well spent?  I'm wondering.

And I'm a little grouchy about it, too.  Yesterday, for example, I was most unproductive.  I actually could have been in my studio working, but I didn't do it. Instead I spent hours reading a book (which wasn't actually all that good although I got a kind of adolescent enjoyment out of it), I played with our new adorable kitten, Angus MacKitty, and, oh yes, I actually cooked dinner (a rare occurrence around here these days as I've discovered recently that after twenty five years of doing so, I'm just not all that into cooking dinner every single night anymore).  Those things - and running some errands -  are about the extent of my day's accomplishments.  

I wouldn't say I was depressed, but I was definitely un-motivated.   I mean, it's not as though I have a bunch of deadlines I need to meet, or people waiting for me to write my blog or to see what I've created.  I've been creating because I've been driven to do it by some big creative force coming through me; and yes, it's brought me joy and I've learned soo much. But, too -  I admit I have had hopes that something more will grow from it, too.  I almost feel arrogant admitting that - I follow lots of blogs, and I know how many incredibly talented, creative people are out there...but I've hoped and believed there is room for more.  So far, not much has happened on that front.

So suddenly I'm having a "crisis of creating."  I've really tried to create with no real outcome in mind, just let it flow through me and enjoy the moment, but admittedly there have always been goals lurking in the back of my mind.   I haven't really known how to pursue them, and I haven't been sure I should - I sort of figured if it was meant to be, it would happen.  I've been walking on this path, just letting it take me -  wherever.  And I've liked where it's taken me.  Until now.  Now I'm wondering if it's just going to meander around forever, never leading anywhere.   And if that's the case, do I need to continue on it, forge a new path, or get off the path entirely?

To my mind, this is a seriously spiritual question.   Whether I even should want this creative journey to go in a certain direction at all.  And if it's okay to want it to lead somewhere, should I set short and long term goals and list ideas of ways to reach them and then take actions to reach the goals?   Or should I just keep doing what I'm doing, letting the ideas flow, sharing thoughts and ideas on this blog whenever, and not worry about where it's leading at all?   

When I examine this question, I come up with the following.  

What I know for sure: 

•  Creating brings me joy.  
• I'm on a creative journey.  
• I'm a teacher. 
• I want to share it.  
• I will continue to create.

What I would like to have happen: 

•  I would like to teach quilting classes. 
•  I would like to publish patterns. 
•  I would like to write a quilting book (or books.).  

When I ask myself the question of why I want the above, in complete honesty I come up with these answers:

•  I get so much joy from it and I believe other people would also get joy from it as well. 
•  Because it's coming through me so strongly, because the drive is so great, I hope - I feel that it has a purpose other than self-discovery or self-actualization or my needing validation. 
•  I think , I really do, that it wants to be shared.
•  And (in the spirit of total honesty), I want all the time I spend on my art to be worthwhile, and not just for me.  

What I don't want is for it to be ego-driven.  I don't want to be striving too hard or feel disappointed if I don't reach those goals.  

So after exploring all this quite publicly and in writing, I guess this is how I will proceed.  I will gently try to go in a certain direction, and I will set aside time regularly to set goals and take steps toward reaching the goals.  I will continue to create as it comes to me but - and this is the challenge - I will NOT be focused on the outcomes.  I will be accepting of and contented with whatever does (or doesn't) happen.  It's not a particularly easy path, because I DO want those things to happen, I'm not gonna lie, but I know that I need to be just as joyful even if they don't, and not spend an entire day reading adolescent fiction or watching television and stuffing my face every time something doesn't happen.  

So, dear readers, stick with me while I'm on this ride, will ya?  I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need lots of advice, some reminding, and yes - an occasional kick in the ass.  

It'll be challenging, of that I'm certain.  I won't promise not to screw up,  but I can promise complete honesty and an open heart.  

Here goes nuthin'...

The Irony of Giving...

Four years ago May, my excellent mother died, bequeathing me all her quilting paraphernalia, her copious amounts of fabric, and her sewing machines.  It quadrupled my fabric collection (at least), not to mention all the gadgets, doodads and whatnots she had.   To be honest, the amount of stuff she gave me was overwhelming, and I wrote about it at the time (see my post from 7/13/11 -  When is Too Much Not Enough).   

The year after my mother's death was the most challenging time of my life for many reasons, and it helped enormously to throw myself into creating.  It was as though in leaving me all that stuff, Mother knew I would need it to get through that period, and I did.  And I feel I did it justice, too. In the summer following her death I made at least six quilts.  In the years since - too many to try to count, really.  And a lot of it was using her stuff.  Especially her fabric, which I believe I have mostly used up, although if I were to guess I would say at least a fourth of my current fabric collection was still hers  

Recently I decided to take stock of my stockpile and pass some of my incredible good fortune along to my sister Erika.  Now you're probably thinking, why didn't Erika get some of this sewing stuff when our Mother died?  Why did Carrie get it all?  It's no scandal (sorry to disappoint ;).  I actually have two sisters and a brother, but at the time I was the only quilter in the family besides Mother, which is why it all came to me. However, recently Erika, a stay-at-home mother of four children and whose youngest went off to kindergarten this year, expressed an interest in learning to quilt.  She figures she has a little time, so I figured I could get her started with some of Mother's stuff.   

Now let me say, Erika is truly gifted; she constantly amazes me with her ideas and creations, and I am fully admitting right now that I had to fight a little feeling of competitiveness when I was gathering things to give her.  I knew she would be good at it and to be completely honest, a little devil thought popped into my head that she might be better and more successful at it than I (I'm not proud of it, but what can I say, I'm human). Luckily I was able to recognize that niggling negative for what it was (just a thought) and I dismissed it summarily because I know that there's enough to go around and it is NOT a competition. Plus, I love my sister and so did my mom and she would definitely want me to share the wealth with my siblings if they wanted it. So last week we went through all the stuff and she took what she wanted, and I was happy to share with her. 

And am I glad I did -  I mean WOW!  Today I went over to Erika's house to see what she was working on and I was blown away!  Her very first quilt is already showing her incredible talent. I can't say I was surprised, entirely, because I know how gifted she is, but still, I left her house in tears.  What a profound joy it was for me to see her success in creating - I can't believe how amazing it felt.  I won't say I felt proud, because pride implies that I had something to do with it.  I just felt such a deep peace and a sense of connectedness...and excitement - it's gonna be fantastic fun to share this creating with my sister.  It's one of the best feelings there is, really.  Talk about gifted - I'm the one who got the gift.

And as I got into my car to head home, I knew too that our Mother was somewhere out there nodding her head, smiling her beautiful smile, and feeling the same thing, too.   

Here is a photo of my sister's first quilt:  

NOT SERIOUSLY!

The nature of creativity is so fascinating.  I, for example, love to create – just about anything.  When I’m in a meeting with a piece of paper, I doodle.  If one of my nieces or nephews is playing with Playdoh or Legos I happily join in.  I like to paint – well, anything, really.   I love origami and have made hundreds of paper airplanes with my son (and students) over the years.  I love to cook and bake fancy food for my friends…Then there are the things I’ve thought over the years I would like to learn – to weld, for example (so I can make metal sculptures), how to cut and style hair, woodworking….they all seem interesting and full of possibility.  Oh – and I love to write, too. 

But I’m not serious about any of it.

Right now I’m mostly focused on my textile art and writing, because the reality is, one can only do so much, and I would rather be excellent at a couple of things than be constantly flitting from one thing to another even though they are all so tempting.  And excellence is elusive.  It takes lots and lots of practice.  I want my art to be as good as I can make it, and I’m willing to spend a great deal of time and energy to make it so.

But I’m not serious about it.

So why is it, if the theme of my life seems to be that I’m driven to create, that I don’t consider myself to be a serious creator?  Mostly fear, I suppose.  I don't want to be serious about it because I want it to continue to be completely joy-filled and endlessly amusing, the way it is now. I’m scared that if I take it too seriously all this incredible exhuberance and enthusiasm will go away.   

Too, I’ve rarely been able to force creativity to hit me with an idea on demand.  Instead I just let it happen when it happens, and so far, it’s been working.  I'm a seat-of-the-pants creator; I never know when inspiration is going to hit. Sometimes I’m struck by a bunch of (seemingly unrelated) ideas at once, and I have a marathon “creation” session where I wear all my colored pencils to a nub and use reams and reams of paper and sketch till my fingers ache.  Other times everything I see seems to have the kernel of an idea in it, and I walk around with a sketchbook jotting down sketches and talking to myself like a nutter.  It always seems to just occur. Except when I try to make it happen.  Then, it seems I'm completely pant-less. 

But I admit I’m a little leery of my kind of creating – what if the well runs dry?    I know there are infinite ideas out there, but what if I suddenly lose my ability to channel them?  Is it even possible to dial up an idea on demand?  

Often I’ve read about or heard writers talking about how they force themselves to write every day – whether they feel particularly inspired or not.  It’s the disciplined, serious part of the equation – they aren’t necessarily going to use everything they write, some days the river flows, some days it doesn’t.  But it forces them to at least open up to the creative muse on a daily basis and I’m guessing that just the action of sitting down to the pencil and paper (or whatever tool) can trigger a creative response often enough to keep them pretty rigorous about it.   But can it work with other types of creativity? 

It would seem so.

Recently I discovered a really cool Facebook page developed by brilliant creator Anne Sullivan called “Quilt Design a Day.”  Each day there’s a photo with all its colors separated out - a seed of inspiration.  I love it because it provides regular opportunities to create.   Naturally, not all pictures or colors are going to speak to everyone, and some days you might be too tired or distracted or busy or crabby, and nothing comes or you hate what does, but that’s okay, of course.  The goal isn’t necessarily to actually design something you want to or will make necessarily – it’s just to flex (or develop) your creative muscles.  Another really excellent benefit of this type of forum is that you get to see other people’s creative takes on the design seed, too, which of course can provide further inspiration – a creative Lallapalooza – LOVE it! It seems creativity actually feeds on itself  - the more opportunities it has to express itself, the more it creates!

What this does for me is help me realize now that one doesn’t have to sit (or wander around) waiting to be lit up by a bolt of inspiration; ideas can (and do) come in a more routine, disciplined way, too.  Yeah, they most likely will continue to come at strange and sometimes inopportune moments, too, but I don't have to be afraid to be a little more disciplined in my approach to creating - it's okay to be serious about it - it won't go away or suddenly become UN-fun if I work at it, it actually can and will develop even more - hooray!

That’s what I mean about creativity being so fascinating – not only are its possibilities endless, it can occur in literally infinite ways!  How very wonderful, exciting, lovely and of course, seriously creative.

Does It Really Matter THAT Much?

Just realized I haven't written in a couple of weeks - been too busy working on projects and doing other stuff - you know, life.  I've also been struggling a little with a dilemma; it's rather a good problem to have, but still, there's a decision required at some point soon... and I just haven't been able to make a choice.

Here's the issue: I decided to enter a fabric challenge for Quiltcon 2015, and I have too many ideas!  What I mean is, (and it's a little difficult to admit to this) I'm sort of caught up in the "Which one is most likely to be chosen for the show?" thing.  I've already made one piece and am working on a second, and I even have a third idea I like, but that seems like overkill, doesn't it?   

I don't think it is so good to be fussing over this decision - it's giving it too much importance and focusing too much on the outcome rather than the doing.  In fact, as I write I'm getting the little niggling reminder in my head that nothing matters that much, and I should just make whatever comes to mind and whatever I have time for, and go with my gut and definitely not create with those thoughts in my mind.  In fact, I should be thrilled to have such a boatload of inspiration - it shouldn't be turned into a problem!    (Thanks for that little insight, universe - dilemma dissolved!  Another reason I love writing this blog, I almost always end up with some little kernel of wisdom that has been eluding me.)

This is, apparently, an eternal lesson for me - I definitely enjoy the entire process of creating but near the end of a project I tend to make more stupid mistakes (which makes me irritable) because I'm so anxious to see the finished product.  For example, yesterday I was sewing the binding on a piece and I was so excited to see what it looked like I did a terrible job and ended up having to resew practically the entire thing!   With that in mind I've recently made a little rule for myself that if I am getting crabby I have to walk away because I don't want negative energy to flow into my work - only positive, happy me can work in the studio. It might seem a little woo woo (to quote Carrie Bloomston), but I have seen how one person's negative energy can affect an entire room full of people, and I really want my art to bring joy and pleasure to people.  I think that anger, frustration, and anxiety can literally be transferred to the finished product if the creator is in a bad space.  And I know I don't want anything with that kind of bad juju hanging on the walls of my house or covering my bed - sounds a bit ominous, doesn't it?  

So when I feel this annoyance coming on I start with the self talk: "Okay, Carrie, if you can't enjoy this, just stop right now and go do something else," or "Is it really important to finish this right now?"  or "STOP! NOW."  If that doesn't work, I leave and come back later.  That's what I did yesterday with the binding - I made myself stop even though I really didn't want to, and I came back later and did it calmly and with joy and it was fun and I am really pleased with the outcome.  

Here's what I am thinking: Since creativity is basically a gift, it shouldn't be forced or have too much stress associated with it. That's not to say there are deadlines or other people to please, but they shouldn't cause anxiety and negativity.  Challenges are a part of life, period. They are never going to go away, no matter how good we have it.   It's the attitude with which we approach them - acceptance, calm, even the joy of being alive and having the problem - that's what matters.  I guess I just needed a little reminder of that. 

It Could Be

I’ve been meditating daily for a while now and boy, do I see a difference  - in well, everything.  It helps me be so much more present and aware of things, which in turns seems to lead to more and more (and more) inspiration.  It’s such a lovely gift to have all these ideas waiting in the background - as soon as I finish one project, I’m super excited to begin the next.  I sometimes feel as though I’m in a constant state of excitement and anticipation because I love what I’m doing so much.  I can’t wait to get to it every day, and sometimes I even neglect other (some might say, more important) things because I just want to get to my studio and CREATE. 

For example, until yesterday I had been fighting crabbiness because I hadn’t been able to work on anything in over eleven days – I was having creation withdrawal!  There was a sort of discontent in the background that I kept having to dispel by forcing myself into the present moment.  It worked though. and I was able to fulfill the other obligations I had and with joy and gratitude.  But boy oh boy was I happy to be back in my studio yesterday! 

I have to admit, though, that I’m starting to wonder whether I’m spending too much energy on the wrong thing.   With all this bliss and inspiration comes a dilemma – how can I be so driven to create, so full of ideas and enthusiasm and joy and energy, with no practical outcome to it?  There is a goal, yes - to sell my art, to have it bring as much joy to other people as creating it brings to me.  (At the risk of sounding arrogant, self-indulgent, or maybe deluded(?) I really, really LOVE my creations .  All of them!  They give me so much delight and wonder, I want them to do the same for others.  I mean, it could be.

I know there are lots of ideas and lots of really gifted creators in the world – I’m  quite grateful for and inspired by them.  If I ask why I would expect to be successful in the face of all this amazing creativity,  my husband often says “Why not you?” Yes, why not me?  If my spiritual teachers are to be believed  - and I think they are - there is enough to go around. Hey - it could be.

I follow a lot of bloggers who seem to have "success" with their art – they are teaching, they are doing pieces on commission, they are getting their art put in galleries and shows, they have sponsors for their blogs, they have thousands of followers…and after two years of blogging I am, well, let’s just say, less followed.  Am doing something wrong here?  Am I too focused on the creating and not focused enough on the marketing?  I suppose it could be. 

In my defense,  I am trying to develop a web page but find it so tedious and frustrating that I have gotten exactly nowhere with it.   I realize I need some help, because computer stuff just ain’t my thing.  (Computers are great, I love them.  But I don’t like to figure out how to do things on them - not even a little.  I only like for someone else to show me how to do what I want. )  But if I really want to have some of that kind of success, I will have to make this a priority, I think, not just be so focused on creating.

What is success, anyway?  Perhaps I'm looking for something outside myself when I need to go inside and find it.  I know I am certain blissed out (well, most of the time) when I am creating - can't ask for much more that, can I?

The thought sometimes occurs to me that I should just stop all this nonsense and go get a “real” job, sell my sewing machines and give away all my fabric and throw out those Styrofoam heads, paints, and all my other art supplies and let go of this dream of creating art.  But will that stop the flow of ideas and enthusiasm and almost physical need to create that pervades my being?  This cannot be!

Instead, I think it will just direct the creative part of me to other endeavors – I know when I was teaching I had the same experience with ideas and inspiration – it was constant and I loved it and I KNOW my students benefitted and learned from it.

You see, the amazing thing about creativity is that we can be creative with ANYTHING!  Yes, even accountants can be creative (and I don’t mean in unlawful ways) with what they do, if they love it enough and are open to the creative force of the universe.

For me, it comes down to this:  I like – no, I LOVE to create.  It’s so much a part of my being that it pervades everything I do, from cooking to exercising, to organizing, and to yes, art.  I don’t know if I’ll ever enjoy “success” with my art, and I suppose it doesn’t matter.   I’m not quite ready to give up on it yet – I don’t feel like I’ve given it enough time – after all, anything worth having is worth working for, right?  That said, it’s still a considerable comfort to know that creativity abounds and that it can be expressed in countless ways, and that even if I do have to let go of this particular dream, if I remain open to the universe, I can still feel the incredible, miraculous bliss of creating, just in a different way. 

But one thing is certain.  Life is about balance.  And maybe the message I’m supposed to be getting is that I need to balance my life more – not spend so much time on this one thing, but find a better balance between creating art and creating and doing in other parts of my life.  It could just very well be.

WIP UPDATE:

Amazingly,  I’m nearly finished with my pieces inspired by Andy Goldsworthy’s art - the ones that were the subject of my blog a couple of times ago that took so long in the planning.  Although it took a full day of decision making to get them planned out, as I suspected, the actual creating didn’t take nearly as long.  In fact, at this point, they are sandwiched and ready to be quilted. 

It may take another day to figure out how I’m going to quilt them, though.  I want the quilting to really enhance the design, and there’s a lot going on, so I think it has to be pretty minimal, or at least not prominent, and I’m a little stuck.  I’m going to throw them up on the wall and just stare at them for a while.  I’m sure something will come.  In the meantime, I have plenty of other projects to work on.

A Gift From a Friend

This week I am in Kansas City visiting my cousin Hoddy.  It's been a great trip for many reasons, one being that my best friend since kindergarten also happens to live here, so I've been able to have fun with both of them although I admitted to them that I felt a little torn between two lovers, wanting to see both of them as much as possible - what a nice dilemma to have!   But the main reason I came at this time was to visit Hoddy and her family.

Hoddy is fifteen years younger than I, and grew up in San Francisco, CA.  I moved to the Bay area when she was eight, and she and her family are very special to me as they were very much supportive and loving during a time when I literally had no friends or money or idea of what the heck I was doing out in the world.  Over six feet tall, smart, fun and beautiful, Hoddy is a powerhouse of positive energy.  When I first moved to California, she spend a lot of time turning cartwheels in the living room of her flat and perfecting her considerable dance moves.  She then went on to play volleyball at William and Mary, attend law school, marry her college sweetheart, land a job at a top law firm in SF, have three children, and then move to Kansas and start two businesses (the BAR Method exercise studios - look it up, it's fabulous) here in Kansas.  In the space of three years, her businesses are not only successful, they are a lovely gathering place with an upbeat, energetic and caring atmosphere where (I can tell) true friendships and bonds are being formed.  That's because the Bar Method is her bliss - and it shows!  Not only does she give it her love, attention, and energy, she gets so much out of it as well.

And at the moment, Hoddy really needs every ounce of energy she can get, because she is using up a lot of her enormous well of it to battle cancer.  She was diagnosed with Stage IV lymphoma in February.   I came to Kansas to visit, give moral support, and help Hoddy, but I feel I've come away with far more than I have given and I want to share some of the things I've learned from my fabulous cousin.  She is attacking the evil disease on every possible front and I for one, really believe there is no possible chance it has against her aggressive and really, quite creative methods of fighting it.

First of all, she is taking the conventional approach.  She has just finished her sixth (and I believe her last) round of chemo.   I look at her and I am frankly, amazed at that fact.  I mean,  I know she has been through chemo because I sat with her through her last appointment, but she sure doesn't look or act like anyone I've ever seen on chemo.  Her color is great, her energy (while it is lower than she likes and is frustrating to her) is far higher than plenty of people who have never even taken chemo, and yes, she may be bald, but she's still lovely.

And I think I know why.  You see, when Hoddy found out she had serious cancer, she began to research.  The first area she looked into was food  She doesn't eat any inflammatory foods (such as dairy).  She does eat a lot of alkaline foods like kim chee and sauerkraut and she takes a spoonful of apple cider vinegar a couple of days a week.  She also eats no, absolutely no sugar (because cancer likes sugar).  She drinks green tea, she takes oil of cannabis, she eats a ton of antioxidant rich foods, and she is 100 percent organic (although she was already mostly organic for the last few years before the diagnosis, I must admit).  She also takes herbs that really help her with her blood counts, and drinks a ton of water (some of it infused with chlorophyll and lemon for their alkalizing properties).  She also fasts for 24 hours before and the entire day of her chemos, because the rate of absorption of the medicines is much higher when the cancer cells are hungry.  (When people ask her how she can do that, she says "I'm highly motivated.")

The next thing she does is acupuncture.  Not just for the effects of the chemo, but also to help her body be strong and fight the disease.  She does an infrared sauna a few days a week.   She works out and takes walks, even when she is tired, because it makes her feel better.  She spends time with her children - yesterday she took them swimming after school and she gets up early every morning so she and her husband get them a good healthy breakfast and a good start to their day.  In other words, she lives her daily life as much as she possibly can.

Hoddy does rest of course; she has to let the chemo do the work. But let's face it, chemotherapy is hardly therapeutic - it's entire purpose is to poison a person within a hairsbreadth of their life - she has to rest whether she wants to or not.  So sometimes she rests.

Another front she does battle on is addressing the emotional issues associated with being diagnosed with cancer at age thirty-three.  She sees a therapist, she meditates, she's just started going to an energy worker (similar to acupuncture but a little more spiritual).  When she's feeling down, she'll get a facial or a massage or pedicure - something that makes her feel relaxed.  She spends time with her friends when she can, and she lets them help her - something that is not easy for her to do, but she knows she would want to do the same for them and she knows she needs them right now.  She's scared, no doubt, but she is trying really hard to live in the moment, to do what she can do and let go of the rest.  It's possibly the hardest of all the battles, accepting that this is real and dealing with the unknowns, but Hoddy is valiantly staying the course, communicating, asking and receiving.

As I've said, I'd be hard-pressed to imagine anyone who is fighting harder or doing more to beat cancer than Hoddy.  And her energy and moxie and her creative, eclectic approach to this disease is inspiring to me in countless ways.  She is the epitome of giving life one's all.  I hope with all my being that I have been able to give her some comfort and love and joy on this trip but this I know: I will go home forever changed and inspired by what my brave and beautiful cousin has given me.

  So -  thanks from every part of my being for being, Hoddy Potter.  And Namaste, baby.  Namaste.

A Little Bit of Nothing

Generally I’m a pretty active person.  I have many things to do and I enjoy the challenge of doing them.  For the last couple of days, however, I’ve been having a problem with motivation – or lack thereof.  Blame it on my knee that’s been bothering me, blame it on the recent discovery that my darling cousin is fighting Stage IV cancer, blame it on hormones - whatever, but there it is!   I feel all of a sudden, as though I’m having to force myself to do things:  exercise, clean out my filthy car, or the refrigerators, or my house (usually I enjoy doing such things, believe it or not – I sort of use them as a spiritual practice – to enjoy whatever it is that needs to be done at the moment, even if it’s spending three hours vacuuming out the car – it is a pleasant feeling of accomplishment and a helluva(n) arm workout!) But I don’t feel like doing right now. 

 I don’t want to just sit and vegetate though, not at all – nope, instead I’m thinking back to my youth when spending an entire afternoon reading a book somehow didn’t seem like a waste of time at all.  What I really feel like doing is being; I want to meditate, pray, read – books and blogs and poems,  I want to write- in my journals, on my blog, on my stories, and of course, I want to create (okay, that’s doing, but it’s also a little like breathing for me – can’t not do it!)

 Of course I’ve got a long list of to-do’s but I don’t feel like striking the iron, so to speak.  Maybe the summer heat has made me indolent, I don’t know.  But for the first time ever in my adult life, I think I might be in a unique position to give in to it.  I’m on my own for a few days – my husband and son are in California, and so I’m going to experiment, and just do only exactly what I feel like doing, whatever that is at the moment.   I realize it is a huge luxury, but I’m calling it a Soul Time.  So what if the house needs cleaning, so what if I have errands to do, phone calls to make, etc. – they can wait a couple of days, none of them is particularly urgent.  I’m going to do the some of the quiet things that I often put on the back burner until I’ve fulfilled all my other responsibilities (which rarely happens, of course!) 

I’m thinking this is a fine idea -  that allowing myself this time to sort of catch up on quiet time will allow me to go back into my regular life with renewed purpose, vigor, and joy.  I also think it will lead to more and new inspirations, as being quiet often does.   Who knows, if it works out, I may plan on doing it on a regular basis – once every so often just giving myself a day to do – nothing in particular.  Sounds pretty dreamy but also it reminds me of the Sirens in Odysseus  – don’t want to get lost in a vortex of not doing for too long!   I’ll let you know how it all works out, of course.  Just – if you don’t hear from me in a few days, send someone in after me, okay.

                                                                  WIP UPDATE:

 Been working on a quilt for charity – it’s the first patten quilt I’ve done in quite some time – lots of little squares!  But I finally got the top finished and am on to backing and quilting.  I admit I had to bring myself to presence several times; I found it a tiny bit irksome because it has been rather time-consuming – especially in my quest for perfection.  It’s been a good practice to remind myself that I want to infuse everything I do with joy, especially something like this which is going to someone who needs it, and I wanted it to be special enough to show the recipient how important he is (it’s a boy quilt).   Anyway, here’s a picture –

I'm calling it "Down the Red Steps."  It's a simple split rail pattern, but I still like to think up fun names as pieces are developing.  I’m pretty pumped because I really have gotten so much from these fabrics – and one purchase!  This is the third piece I’ve completed using this collection – I am so glad I bought it!  It’s a really inspiring line,  I must say – if I had any more of it – I might come up with some more ideas!  So kudos to Carrie Bloomston  for a job well done – I know she’s designed more fabrics for Windham – can’t wait to check them out! 

Deceptively Simple

My latest project has led me to once again, learn a new lesson - sometimes it's the things that look the easiest that prove the most challenging.  Take for example, straight lines.  Straight lines are not easy to make look crisp and clean, especially when dealing with fabric.  Even attempting to quilt in straight lines is not easy, as I am learning.  And woe be unto you if you mess up on the first line, because then you find out all the lines after have to be corrected, but not usually until you've done quite a few.  At least that's what has happened to me.  After ripping out several long rows in my quest for perfection, I finally found a strange little arm I could attach to my presser foot that I'm using to guide me, but even with it, I still have to do a fair amount of stitch pulling.  I'm using it as a way to remain calm and present.  If I can't be cheerful while working on the piece, I stop.  Once I read where some quilter said "Not every day is a good day to sew curves."  The same can be said for straight lines!

It made me realize that we tend to look at simple pieces of art and think that not much thought or effort went into them, but perhaps we are mistaken.  There is a quote that I have perhaps shared before about how any idiot can make things more complicated but it takes real genius to make it simpler, and I agree.  We might do well to remember that next time we look at a sculpture, for example, and say "Oh, anyone could do that!"  I hear it a lot, especially when people talk about modern art, and I couldn't disagree more.  To make an eloquent statement in a simple manner is not necessarily easy.  The sculptor Andy Goldsworthy comes to mind. Here is an example of an incredibly simple piece of his, but to me, it speaks volumes.

I love this kind of stuff, and after watching a documentary on Andy Goldsworthy, I know for certain that a great deal of thoughtfulness and effort goes into his art.  And that the creation of it is anything but easy.  Still, it has a kind of effortless simplicity that is absolutely elegant.  I find it quite inspiring.  

Here's another remarkable, yet simple Andy Goldsworthy piece - most of his are the epitome of the fact that 

simple isn't always easy, but it can often can be quite satisfying. And it can be very difficult to achieve.  So here's to simplicity; no matter how hard it is to achieve, it's well worth the effort. 

Update on Quick Quilt-Fixer Upper!

Well, I got it fixed - the warbled edges in my piece- such a relief!  Here I am, with iced tea, music, seam ripper, and the piece:

.  Note the smile - I had a positive, can-do attitude!  Here's what I did:  First, I ripped out the seams in the middle of the quilt, except for the blue center strip.  Then I measured down the middle of the top to the middle of the quilt and carefully measured inch by inch along the yellow and white and cut it to the same length.  Then I flipped it over and did the same for the bottom half and viola! It zipped up quite nicely - no more gaping.  Now the thing is sandwiched and ready to quilt, and for once, I know exactly how I'm going to quilt it.  My only question to myself is whether I should stitch in the ditch to preserve the straightness of the lines or just do the overall design.
I know Weeks Ringle, my current guru, is against ditch-stitching, but I wonder if in this case it's necessary, again, to keep everything super straight and crisp....I need some research for this, I think.  I'm going to the Craftsy Class I took from her to see what she has to say.  I'm also going to have a look-see at what another currently hot quilting guru, Angela Walters, has to say about it in her book.  Naturally I'd rather take the lazy way and not do it, but I'm pretty attached to this piece and I want to do whatever will make it look the crispest (if that's a word).  Oh joy, she doesn't stitch in the ditch, either!  So I guess I'm not going to because why do it if you don't have to? 
So far I'm quite pleased with this piece, now that I've gotten it fixed..  It has been rather a challenge, which may be surprising, given that it looks so simple.  But it really wasn't.  I had to be quite vigilant about making sure it was sewn as straight as a  semi-blind girl who tends to fudge and who is also without a quarter inch foot can sew (which, lacking vigilance and discipline, can lead to much stitch pulling, which in turn can potentially lead to cursing and frustration, which is not allowable if one's goal is zen... and which I am zen to report did not happen!   For once, I kept my presence about me, believe it or not!) And any time there is bias involved, it is tricky. But I'm nearly there, and like I said, pleased.

Here it is before sandwiching, hanging flatly on the wall, like it's supposed to.   It's simple, graphic and I love the colors - I think I'm going to call it The Sunny Day, cause it's just so darn happy!

You Do the Math!

I wish I had paid more attention in my math classes.  I distinctly remember saying many times over in my high school  “I’m never going to use this stuff anyway – what a waste of my time!”  (Sorry for my shitty attitude, high school math teachers, for the record, I was SO wrong!)  What I don’t get is how I managed to make straight A’s in math at the time?!  Go figure!  (And yes, that pun was intended.) Now I really wish I could remember how to do some of that stuff, because believe it or not, I find I often need (gasp) MATH for some of my designs. 

Naturally I would prefer to have a computer program that would do the math for me, but so far I haven’t found one that does what I need it to.  Not that I have looked very hard – yet.  But after the latest issues I’ve had, I may begin a search in earnest. 

It all started with the usual – my getting an idea for a design that I had no earthly idea how to put together.  Here is the original sketch. 

After dutifully drawing it on graph paper, with a scale of 1 square equals 2 inches (It sure looks all official and math-y to me!)

I still didn’t know how to figure out the exact dimensions of the side triangles (I was pretty sure it wouldn't work out to count them diagonally...) But I wasn't concerned about that yet because... 

First I had to think for a moment on how to actually construct it.  Even though it’s a simple graphic design, putting it together was not so obvious to me right at first (Yes, I readily admit to being spatially challenged!)  I decided to construct the middle triangles first,

 then add the one-inch strip of white to the sides of the triangles, (these blue triangles below are not sewn together yet, they just look like it)

So far, so good, right?  But now I could no longer put off figuring out the dimensions of the yellow triangles.   How hard could it be?  I knew the length of the one side by measuring the while pieces on the sides, and I knew it was a right angle, and I knew how wide it had to be from the skinny part of the triangle to the edge if the quilt - at least I thought I did, but I still felt unsure.   

 SoI tried to draw it on an online quilting program but there was no tool for just drawing a straight line and then getting the measurements. 

I thought and thought some more and suddenly the math fairy came to me and reminded me of the Pythagorean theorem: A squared + B squared = C squared.  Only every time I did it, it didn't seem right, and I was scared to cut the triangle and have it not fit and then have to cut more strips and sew them again. 

In the end I decided to forget about trying to be all scientific and just fly by the seat of my pants, like I always do.  I would sew strips of fabric together, then sew it to the side of the triangle and cut it to fit.  No problem, I thought – I have carefully sewn the middle and it should be easy to use the straight sides to use as edges for cutting the triangles. 

What a disaster.   After sewing it together twice, it is still all wonky and I had to stop for the night lest I lose all my ability to remain even the tiniest bit zen due to massive Frustration!  

I was showing it to my husband, and I got the brilliant (we’ll see) idea to measure each triangle down the middle and cut the bottom of the side triangle to that exact specification, (I already know the one side is the correct length as it is sewn on and trimmed) That should straighten it out.  I was too tired to do it last night, but I’m going to take out all the stitches and try it this morning.  I’ll let you know how it goes…I may end up yet cutting and sewing more strips, but I’m resigned to the idea – I really like this design and I’m going to (cheerfully, dammit) make it work.

This whole thing goes to show that I really need a book, a class or (and this is my favorite scenario) a computer program that will do the measuring for me.  All I would have to do is draw the design into the program and it will not only add the seam allowances and tell me the exact measurements, but will also calculate the fabric needs as well.  If such a program exists and doesn’t cost too much, somebody PLEASE  tell me, because my art brain and my math brain do not match up at this point and it’s testing my ability to be - you know -   

Zen!

Too Much!

So I'm here in California, helping my husband go through his parents' house.  Let me tell you, there is an awful lot of stuff here.  More than it would seem possible to fit in a house, I mean. Literally every nook and cranny is filled with (well, to put it nicely) detritus.  Naturally it's gotten me to thinking about stuff.
First of all, let me say how very much I loved my in-laws.  They were very loving and accepting of me, and always good to me, and I enjoyed knowing them very much.  They are missed.  They were children of the depression, who had little to begin with but through tooth-gritting hard work managed to not only survive but to build up their "fortunes" to the point that they never had to worry about retirement, or any other issue, as they aged.   They were able to do exactly what they wanted to do, and were able to be independent, and not a burden to their children in their old age.  I considered them both a success and also people whose characters were worth emulating.
That said, there is a burden left over for their children, and that is the sheer mountains of stuff that has to be looked at and disposed of.  My father-in-law, whom we called Sir, was in the building trades for most of his life.  He would bring home any and all building materials that were offered to him.  There are tens of thousands of nails, 60 years worth of rotten wood, buckets and buckets of plumbing supplies, wires, fasteners, scads of doodads and whatnots that he never actually found use for in his basement. It's overwhelming just to go down there, let alone to try to package it all up and do something with it.  In his backyard there is such an accumulation of pipes, wood, old equipment that doesn't run anymore that I was joking to my husband that we might find a dead body buried under the years and years of accumlated tree droppings which couldn't be cleaned up because there was just too much STUFF all over the yard! It was over a foot deep!  Really!  And being in the apartment business, my father-in-law would literally pull scads and scads of books out of the dumpster, and he never ever said "no" when someone who was moving out his apartment offered him some furniture.  They must own a hundred lamps (all of them ugly) not to mention side tales, chairs, and other furniturial odds and ends.
Now Maw and Sir didn't take these things because they were greedy, or even because they were pack rats ( although arguably, Sir was a pack rat).  They took them because they didn't like things to go to waste.  They believed in reduce, reuse, recycle long before it was politically correct to do so.  The only problem was that Sir was absolutely certain he would have use for 450 light switch covers some day...He had some ichthymal ointment that was still unused, in it's original wrapping from the 1950's, in his bathroom.  He had a hair trimmer that my husband said had to date from 1955 - he said he remembered his mother cutting his and his brothers' hair with it throughout the years - that he still kept in the original box.  There are between twenty and thirty telephones, some so antique they are, I believe, from before his time (he was born in 1923). He just couldn't let go of any of it.  I remember the days before we moved to Texas, Sir going into the basement determined to get rid of some of the things he had down there - he called it agonizing reappraisal.  But he never was able to let any of it go, even though by then he definitely knew he couldn't use any of if anymore.  So now all his spaces are filled with it and it all has to go.  
So what is my point in relaying this to you - well, it's twofold.   First, we need to be thoughtful about how much stuff we accept into our lives.  The truth is, we need so much less than what we have already, and even if we might need it in the future, it's better not to store it in our homes for years and years.  My rule for clothes is if I haven't worn it in a year, it goes, period.  It's harsh, I know and sometimes it's hard for me to let go, just because whatever it is is still good, but in reality, I won't miss it if I'm not using it regularly.  I have not followed this rule with other things in my life...but the reality is, I should.  Because it's just stuff, and believe me, you don't take it with you and your kids will have to deal with it if you don't and it can be really problematic for them. (For example, we just spent two weeks getting rid of things in three houses and frankly haven't made much of a dent, so much so that we are definitely going to have to go back for at least another month, which disrupts our lives enormously.  And the truth is, no one in the family wants any of it, but we feel obligated to make sure that it goes to the right place - recycle, hospice, etc.  For the first time in my life I have actually fantasized about committing arson!)
The second point is that I believe having too many things in our lives inhibits our creativity.  When we have too much, we not only cannot see it, we also cannot experience it.  Sure, creating takes materials, but if we have too many, we miss so many possibilities because it's just too overwhelming for our senses and brains to make use of all of it at once. 
 I read a quote recently that I really liked recently that said something like this: "Anyone can make things more complicated, but it takes real genius to simplify things."  (Sorry I can't attribute it, I can't remember where I read it!)  And having too much stuff, even to create with, does complicate things.  
 I'm not telling people they should go through and throw everything out, mind you.( I read this article one time written by a guy who made it his mission to have only 100 things in his possession.   Talk about ruthlessness -  I decided I don't want to be that austere!)  I'm simply saying that I, for one, am going to get rid of some things I have that I don't use, and from now on, I really am going to think twice, maybe three times, before I buy something that isn't a necessity (and that includes face and wrinkle creams, to which I am addicted).  I'm going to be a more mindful consumer - I like so much, so many things, but I don't need to have them in order to enjoy them.  I need to experience them, not own them.
So - my goal is to purge all the stuff in my life that I don't use or need, and that includes art materials, too.  I inherited a lot and I've added to it, and it's just too much - I'm not going to use it all and I know it.  Some of the things I have I've never used once - they are gone! (metaphorically at this point) 

 I'll keep you posted on my progress as I go along - it's good to have someone keep me honest.

CREATION UPDATE:

I haven't sewn in a couple of weeks, but I did do a little painting - too busy to do much.  Here is all I had time to do:

 I'm really itching to get back at it...Got several projects I'm so excited to begin.  Alas, I have my nephew's wedding this weekend, so I probably don't have time to begin anything just now...of course that doesn't mean I won't - sometimes I can't stop myself!   
  

Don't Stop and Smell the Roses

I've been spending time with Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey lately -  not personally, of course - in the form of meditation.  I've always wanted to practice meditation but never took/made the time to do it.  I've been practicing it for nineteen days straight, and I have to say, I feel transformed by it.  No matter where life takes me from now on, meditation is going with me.  So imagine my confusion when this morning my other teacher, Eckhart Tolle talked about meditation and actually made fun of it! I was crushed, but I continued to listen nonetheless, and I think I understand now what he was saying. It's like the Godfather syndrome -  going to church every Sunday and then spending the rest of the week cheating, lying, stealing and hurting other people. Luckily, unlike Vito Corleone, I do feel it carrying over - somehow spending that 30 minutes every day reminds me to be more present all day. So for me, it's worth it.

What does medtation have to do with creativity?  Well, a lot, actually.  But before I explain, let me share another, related practice I've been doing, too.  Recently I realized I've missed a lot of things in my life, visually. Why? Well, my theory is twofold - one, I just haven't been present in the moment - I haven't taken time to really look at my surroundings and really soak up where I am because I've spent too much time interpreting it - labeling, thinking about it, and thinking about other things while I looked at it.  Now I'm more present every day, and I see, hear and feel things I never did before - I take a lot more in, wherever I am, because I'm just being, rather than thinking and interpreting all the time.

The second part of my theory is a brain thing.  I've had very poor vision since I was a young girl.  I'm convinced that as my brain developed, it just didn't get trained to connect to my eyes as much because they weren't that effective, and so I didn't form some connections that people with better sight did, which means I just don't actually notice what I see as much.  What I mean is that I see the big picture, but my brain doesn't necessarily register the details. Here's an example: On a hike and my husband and son saw a snake in a creek.  They tried and tried to point it out to me, but no matter how they described where to look,  I could not see it!  To them it was so obvious, they couldn't figure out how I could miss it but my eyes or brain simply didn't register it.  This scenario happens quite often.  

Since I've formed this theory, I have been going on what I call noticing walks - just trying to notice details. I keep them very short, because it's not about distance, it's about noticing things - really taking in the shapes of the trees or the birds, or the different types of grasses growing around them.  It's more than seeing things, actually - it's experiencing them. There's a deep sense of fulfillment, wonder and gratitude that arises from these walks- I quite like it!

Also, I'm testing out another idea I have - you see, I believe that even at my age (49), I can still form new connections in my brain.  So on my walks,  I'm trying to retrain it to see, to notice more. Not only do I think this is just plain good for my brain's elasticity as I age,  I'm also quite certain it will make me a better artist, a better writer, and most importantly, it will make me more present, more noticing,  in every situation.

So that's the link -  experiencing things in this way makes me feel strongly connected to my creative self and the creativity of the universe, to nature, to God, even to my family. I feel energized and exhilarated by it. And the cool thing is that I don't have to be surrounded by nature to do it - I can do it everywhere - in the midst of a city, on a night walk, heck, just sitting in my living room I can notice things I haven't before.  I still may not be seeing everything other people see, but I know that through meditation and "noticing walks" I'm experiencing more than I did before.  And I have no doubt that this will lead to more creativity and ideas.  Another benefit stronger clarity and focus, even when I'm doing things that I might have considered tedious before.  And even more beneficial, I feel like I'm actually gaining patience, which (as I pointed out in a recent blog), is still a developing skill for me.

So forget about stopping and just just smelling the roses - I'm going to experience them!

My Latest Project:

This is a quilt I call "Objects on the Bookshelf." that I made from leftover pieces of fabric from "Read Between the Lines."  It's a fun little piece, and I love that I made it from scraps!  I'm going to miss these prints - I had a lot of fun with them!   I'll be going on the quilting wagon for a couple of weeks - I may soon be experiencing serious withdrawal.  But -  I plan to replenish my creative well by visiting art galleries and being in nature as much as I can.  I'm going to take pictures, make sketches, and work on some other things I've neglected.  Who knows what inspiration may strike!