Scraps or Crap? A Leftovers Dilemma

Arrgh - can't sleep so I might as well write the blog that's been rolling around my brain all week.  I want to share an idea I have gotten recently about which I am extremely proud and excited not because I'm certain it is so original, but because it is a solution to a problem I've had for a while and I'm excited about it.

You see, there are a couple of things I find challenging about being organized in my studio. One of those things is scraps, which have always been a bit of a thorn in my side.  Scraps have annoyed me because I seem to lose all logic in the face of them - I cannot seem to apply the obvious solutions, which are to donate them or to offer them to the local quilt guild. I'm not sure why these perfectly excellent solutions aren't happening, I can only say that I seem to have an unnatural attachment them and what they MIGHT become while at the same time, I hate how disorganized they are and how much space they take up in my studio most of the time when I'm not using them.  I know that there are many people who really, really use their scraps all the time.  I just don't seem to be one of them.  So there they sit all fat and wrinkled and fat, and yes, I admit, I've actually thrown a bunch on my burn pile once. But the guilt of that decision is still with me, so I won't do it again - I promise.

Then, too there is the defining of scrap - I mean, how small does a scrap have to be before it is time to throw it away?  Or is it wrong to throw any fabric away, no matter how small? And what, size-wise, is a scrap as opposed to a piece of material that should go back into my stash?  I don't want to have to wade through a bunch of small bits of fabric when I need a large one but I don't really have room for a bunch of smaller bins so all my scraps go into the same bag, which makes them messy, wrinkled and irritating...unless I find the perfect scrap when I need it which makes me happy and glad I saved it.   

In my scrap bags there are several different kinds scraps.  There are fabrics I have used in several projects that are still somewhat sizeable - maybe around a fat quarter's worth or bigger.  I don't want to use them again, but I cannot in good conscience throw them away because they are large-ish.  The second kinds of scraps are bits of material that I love so much I that I cannot bear to throw even the tiniest bit of it away because I would like to use it again, but the scraps are really pretty small, so why am I saving them?   Also in there are irregularly shaped pieces that had weird shapes cut out of them, but aren't necessarily small, just misshapen (Aren't all scraps misshapen, you might ask - yeah, but some are more odd than others). Then there's stuff I got for a specific piece that I don't have any further use for at the moment (the moment lasting about four years) but who knows, I may have use for it at a later date (although I doubt it, but still, you never know).

Again let me point out that while I'm aware of them,  I have emotional difficultly applying the obvious solutions, which even in the middle of the night make perfect sense...so instead I came up with this idea:

I have decided to cut them all into squares. At least as many of them as I can. When I am cutting for a new project, I am vowing to spend up to half an hour extra cutting the leftovers (unless there is more than a fat quarter) into squares.The squares at this point will range from six inches to one and a half inches.  Why squares, you might say...why not strips? Well, strips may be easier and faster to cut, but strips are difficult to keep from getting messy and wrinkled, whereas squares are much easier to store neatly in baggies.  And squares are very versatile, too.  A larger square can be easily turned into a different shape - a circle, a half-square triangle, a hexagon, etc.  And when I want to do a quick easy project with by nieces or nephew or a charity project, I will have squares at the ready and I/we don't have to spend so much time cutting.  I just really like the idea of having a bunch of cut up squares that I can use - whenever.  I will put them in baggies not according to color, I think, but by size.  It may make sense at a later date to do color, too, but I'll revisit that if I have to.

It will be a discipline, I know, because usually when I am cutting fabrics I am all hot and heavy to get started on the project, but hey, it's good for me to add discipline into my life wherever I can - builds character, right?  But I also think I will be glad I did it.  

Now the big question for me is what do I do with my current scrap bag?  I'm tempted to just dump it at the donation center, but I think instead I am going to go through it, pull out fabrics I like want to save and cut them into squares.  Ambitious - yes I suppose it is, but I can stubborn and single-minded when I want to be.  Whatever is left will be donated,period.  No debating with myself. 

And from now on, a new rule: in order for me to save a piece of fabric, meaning put it back into my bins, it must be at least fat-quarter sized or larger, and I must really, really like it and know that I will use it again.  If there are smallish bits that I like, I will cut it into the largest possible squares.  If I think I won't use it again, no matter how large or how lovely, I will donate it.  And I vow to donate at least every other month, that way I won't have such a large amount of stuff taking up space in my studio. And annoying me. 

While I'm at it, I'm also going to donate a bunch of things my excellent mother, who was gadget-addicted, bought.  I haven't used them in four years, so the odds are that I won't ever.  And someone else might.  It's hard to part with them for the same reason it's hard to part with scraps - you never know when they might come in handy...and, well, my mother bought them and they remind me of her...but the truth is that I like to work in a more organized space than I have at the moment.  Mother, I'm certain, understands this.  

Like I said, I am probably way late to the party - many people may already be doing exactly this, but I'm still excited about it and want to share it in case it helps anyone else who might have my weird scrap issues  (Hey, I may be late, but at least I've finally arrived!)

So I'm curious - what are your scrap solutions -what works for you, because I know everyone is different.  Please share with the group, now - you never know who you might be helping...

I Have Been Obsessed!

Last week I started a new piece, and I have literally been obsessed with it for seven days and nights.   I'm not exaggerating - I actually woke up in the middle of the night Sunday and couldn't sleep for thinking about it, so I got up and worked on it for three hours.  Last night I planned to go to bed early because I was so exhausted, but I went back to my studio after dinner at around 7:30 instead, thinking I just had two more rows to sew and then I  could rest happy in the knowledge that I had finished and I would still get to bed early.  I think I got it together by 8:30 or so - great!  I was still on track to go to bed early EXCEPT....I wasn't happy with the offset effect (unfortunately I was too delirious, so I didn't think to take a picture) but instead of a half-frame, which was what I wanted, I had a cross in the corner, which I didn't care for at all.  I asked my husband to come up and look at it, and expressed my dissatisfaction.  He said "I like it the way it is," but let's face it, he was lying because he just wanted me to GET OVER IT!  But I couldn't.  It just wasn't right.  So at 9:00, after getting prepped for bed, I went back into my studio.  I decided to just rip off the bottom rows (two of them), flip them and then I was certain I could relax and go to sleep.

But once I got there I couldn't stop  - I was too hyped up - I just knew I wouldn't be able to sleep if I went to bed then, I needed to see what it was going to look like...I decided to only figure out the changes I needed to make - what squares I needed to add or take off, etc.  Naturally, because I am spatially challenged, it took me over an hour. All that was left was to sew it all together.  I really, really wanted to, but it was 11:30 and I was cross-eyed tired and making pretty much a mistake every two minutes, so I grudgingly went to bed.  I was able to fall asleep serenely knowing that it was all laid out and all I had to do was put it together.

Of course I woke up in the middle of the night and guess what I couldn't stop thinking about?  I tried counting sheep, but they turned into rainbow colored squares!  I was awake at least two hours, during which time I really really wanted to get up and finish, but I didn't because I knew I was too tired to do a good job sewing.

At 6:00 am this morning, however, I popped up to pee, and the squares danced in my head, so I gave in and finally, finally got the thing put together.  Hooray.  I love it now and

I can't wait to start quilting it....

These are not my pillows....

But I wish they were....

They were made to go with a wall hanging and the bed runner that is behind them in the photo.  

I am not a pillow maker - especially round pillows. So when someone asked me to make round pillows with piping, I almost said no.  But I'm so glad I didn't, because I learned a lot, and I enjoyed making them, and they turned out great.  

It just goes to show, one should try new things sometimes. Because you never know what you can do until you try it. .

However, sometimes one should know when to quit!

This morning, I set a goal for myself.  Finish the fourth pillow (it didn't make the picture), exercise, go to town and run errands, complete five more rows on my current project and write at least one of the blogs that has been running around in my head all week before we go to a play tonight. (At the time, it seemed pretty doable).

It started out to be a great day.  I was humming along, making great progress.  Then I hit a little snag... I really, really lost my cool. Again.

 I won't go into my ridiculous behavior, but allow me to set the table:  I've been quite excited to get going on this piece.  I finally got all the pieces organized and was ready to start sewing on Thursday.  I had a few little hitches, and I was a little crabby, but I was able to calm down, figure it out, and get five whole rows done.  And I loved it - it was looking so fabulous!  I decided because it is kind of an intense project that I would only sew five rows a day together (there are 21 rows in all).  That way I would not get bored or frustrated.  

Today, after finishing the pillow, I could hardly wait to get started on my five more rows.  The first three rows went together like a dream.  I was really enjoying myself, and I really thought I had gotten the hang of the pattern.  So much so, that when I got to the fourth row, I didn't really look at my sketch, I just pulled the squares and started sewing. What a disaster.  I had sewn them all backwards (or so I thought). 

Looking at my phone and seeing time was running out and I hadn't met my five-row goal, I got pretty annoyed and started muttering (and let's be honest, cursing) and berating myself. I should have stopped sewing right then. I thought about it, but I didn't.  I tried to calm myself down while I ripped every single one apart, but I was getting more and more annoyed.  Still, I kept on sewing,making more mistakes, getting more and more upset.  In the back of my head I kept saying,"Just stop, just stop - so what if you don't meet your goal," but I didn't stop.  

Finally I was able to get the whole fourth row completed.  Hooray - I was going to make my goal after all!  Happy and calm again, I carefully matched up the seams and sewed it to my already completed three rows.   And yep, I had sewed it completely upside down!  All the squares I thought I had sewn wrong in the first place were actually right. I hadn't consulted my sketch and so I did it all wrong.  Needless to say, I was not a picture of calm happy quilter at this moment.  (I forgot my husband was downstairs, so please don't ask him what i said - PLEASE!)  Suddenly I realized how ridiculous I was being and I started to laugh.  Who cares if I don't meet my goal, really nothing matters that much.  In the calm after my storm I made myself take it all apart, and then I ironed the squares and put them on my machine for next time.

I admit, I feel pretty discouraged that I still lose my cool like that.  I have been striving and striving to NOT do it - meditating, praying, exercising but I still do, and it makes me feel so - deflated.  Maybe that's why I feel compelled to confess it so publicly on this blog.  I know no one is perfect, and believe me, I'm not striving for perfection.  I just want to NOT lose my temper.  I want to listen to the voice in the back of my head when it waves it arms and screams "WARNING! WARNING!"  

Alas, today's experience tells me I still have a quite far to go before I reach that goal.  If I ever do.  But I'm going to forgive myself; I'm not going to use the fact that I feel like I'm never going to be the way I want to be as an excuse to stop trying, even in the face of extreme frustration. I'm going to try again and again and again...and again, if I have to.  

Because I forgot for a few moments that it's all about the journey, not the destination. (Guess the universe thought I needed some reminding.)   

I heard this quote by Ariana Huffington.  She said "Mistakes are not the opposite of success. They are just steps along the way."  

I guess I should be grateful for what happened today - is was an opportunity.  I missed it, but thanks anyway, universe!  Hopefully I won't miss it next time...

NOT SERIOUSLY!

The nature of creativity is so fascinating.  I, for example, love to create – just about anything.  When I’m in a meeting with a piece of paper, I doodle.  If one of my nieces or nephews is playing with Playdoh or Legos I happily join in.  I like to paint – well, anything, really.   I love origami and have made hundreds of paper airplanes with my son (and students) over the years.  I love to cook and bake fancy food for my friends…Then there are the things I’ve thought over the years I would like to learn – to weld, for example (so I can make metal sculptures), how to cut and style hair, woodworking….they all seem interesting and full of possibility.  Oh – and I love to write, too. 

But I’m not serious about any of it.

Right now I’m mostly focused on my textile art and writing, because the reality is, one can only do so much, and I would rather be excellent at a couple of things than be constantly flitting from one thing to another even though they are all so tempting.  And excellence is elusive.  It takes lots and lots of practice.  I want my art to be as good as I can make it, and I’m willing to spend a great deal of time and energy to make it so.

But I’m not serious about it.

So why is it, if the theme of my life seems to be that I’m driven to create, that I don’t consider myself to be a serious creator?  Mostly fear, I suppose.  I don't want to be serious about it because I want it to continue to be completely joy-filled and endlessly amusing, the way it is now. I’m scared that if I take it too seriously all this incredible exhuberance and enthusiasm will go away.   

Too, I’ve rarely been able to force creativity to hit me with an idea on demand.  Instead I just let it happen when it happens, and so far, it’s been working.  I'm a seat-of-the-pants creator; I never know when inspiration is going to hit. Sometimes I’m struck by a bunch of (seemingly unrelated) ideas at once, and I have a marathon “creation” session where I wear all my colored pencils to a nub and use reams and reams of paper and sketch till my fingers ache.  Other times everything I see seems to have the kernel of an idea in it, and I walk around with a sketchbook jotting down sketches and talking to myself like a nutter.  It always seems to just occur. Except when I try to make it happen.  Then, it seems I'm completely pant-less. 

But I admit I’m a little leery of my kind of creating – what if the well runs dry?    I know there are infinite ideas out there, but what if I suddenly lose my ability to channel them?  Is it even possible to dial up an idea on demand?  

Often I’ve read about or heard writers talking about how they force themselves to write every day – whether they feel particularly inspired or not.  It’s the disciplined, serious part of the equation – they aren’t necessarily going to use everything they write, some days the river flows, some days it doesn’t.  But it forces them to at least open up to the creative muse on a daily basis and I’m guessing that just the action of sitting down to the pencil and paper (or whatever tool) can trigger a creative response often enough to keep them pretty rigorous about it.   But can it work with other types of creativity? 

It would seem so.

Recently I discovered a really cool Facebook page developed by brilliant creator Anne Sullivan called “Quilt Design a Day.”  Each day there’s a photo with all its colors separated out - a seed of inspiration.  I love it because it provides regular opportunities to create.   Naturally, not all pictures or colors are going to speak to everyone, and some days you might be too tired or distracted or busy or crabby, and nothing comes or you hate what does, but that’s okay, of course.  The goal isn’t necessarily to actually design something you want to or will make necessarily – it’s just to flex (or develop) your creative muscles.  Another really excellent benefit of this type of forum is that you get to see other people’s creative takes on the design seed, too, which of course can provide further inspiration – a creative Lallapalooza – LOVE it! It seems creativity actually feeds on itself  - the more opportunities it has to express itself, the more it creates!

What this does for me is help me realize now that one doesn’t have to sit (or wander around) waiting to be lit up by a bolt of inspiration; ideas can (and do) come in a more routine, disciplined way, too.  Yeah, they most likely will continue to come at strange and sometimes inopportune moments, too, but I don't have to be afraid to be a little more disciplined in my approach to creating - it's okay to be serious about it - it won't go away or suddenly become UN-fun if I work at it, it actually can and will develop even more - hooray!

That’s what I mean about creativity being so fascinating – not only are its possibilities endless, it can occur in literally infinite ways!  How very wonderful, exciting, lovely and of course, seriously creative.

From EPIC FAIL to Can This Be Saved?

Two or three months ago I bought some really gorgeous, earthy toned fabrics that I loved at first sight. I didn't need them, but couldn't resist and bought them anyway.  I loved them so much I pinned them up on the wall so I could stare at them.  They hung for weeks, and I loved looking at them, but I was working on other things and couldn't get to them. 

One day as I was perusing one of my favorite blogs, The Quilting Edge, I saw a place for tutorials.  Wondering why I hadn't looked there before I, I saw one in particular that caught my eye.  One she calls, Wonky Circles. That was it - the "design" for the earth fabrics.  The instructions were clear and there were excellent pictures.  I knew the basic idea and was certain I could do it. I was so excited I dropped everything else and began pulling fabrics to coordinate.  

At the end of the first day I noticed the thing was a mess! I wasn't sure whether the fabric combinations were working out, I had not planned any placement of the squares at all and didn't really know where I was going, I couldn't seem to get the right rhythm for sewing the concentric circles. I was feeding the fabric in wrong ( I guess!) and my squares were anything but square!  They poofed out in the middle, they had lots of other pooches - frankly, they were crap! That day I was undaunted - if the squares were wonky that was fine, I was going to press them with steam and starch, and trim them down quite a bit anyway. Besides, I would get better by the second day, I was certain.   So I just forged ahead and did a lot of seam ripping, and re-sewing, but with joy, with excitement. It would come together, I was certain.  I had faith.  

However, by the end of the second day I told my husband I was considering throwing all that beautiful fabric in the trash - it stunk.  Late in the evening, I began to trim the squares (perhaps I should have waited until the next day?) and they still sucked.  I had to trim the things three times to be able to have a uniform size.  Then, even though I they looked more like water pouches than quilt squares and despite utter exhaustion, I insisted on pressing, pulling and starching the buggers; after that I still could not stop and I kept trying to arrange the voluminous squares to a pleasing state. And no, I was not zen - there was a lot of banging, pulling and cursing, although I did bring myself back to presence again and again....and again and again. And again.

Finally I forced myself to go to bed at 12:30.  As I did, I noticed all the squares being blown off the design wall by my ceiling fan.  I did not care, because I had decided to trash the entire thing.  I was just accepting what was.  And what was was that it was not.  Working out, that is.

Otherwise occupied so I couldn't work the next day, and having decided to chuck it all anyway, I was serene.  Oh well, it has to happen sometime - not everything works out, I figured. I was sad about the waste of those delicious fabrics but "OH WELL,"  I was letting go.   Still, I could not resist checking one last time on The Quilting Edge just to see if there was something I had missed.  As I sighed and stared at the perfection of Marianne's work, I noticed she had put sashing on her piece.  I am normally not a fan of sashing, but the thought crept into my brain that sashing might be a way to save the quilt.  Just MIGHT be, no guarantee.  

So I decided to try it - give it one more chance - what the heck - I really adored the colors and fabrics.  I had even (surprisingly) cleverly taken a photo of the arrangement I sort of liked with my iphone.  With the promise to myself of remaining calm and present no matter what, I  began to add sashing, cutting the sashing exactly to the correct lengths and making it fit.  And to my surprise - it began to come together!  By the end of the day, I had most of it done and OMG!  It looked good.  And even, dare I say - SQUARE!

So the thing worked after all.  I won't say it is perfect, because it ain't.  But it is - well, I'll let you judge for yourself:

I deliberately put in a large photo so as not to hide the imperfections - they exist, but I think they actually go well with the overall feel of the thing!

For me, the answer is YES!  It could be saved.  And I am so very

GRATEFUL. 

If It Ain't Broke, Take Care of It...So it Don't

Kind of scattered today; have a bad tooth that needs fixing and I think it is making me a little tired. (I have a dentist appointment on Monday, but I think I waited a little too long to address it - may end up losing the tooth - glad it is a back one!)  This morning I was thinking about how expensive it is to go to the dentist - I mean,  I've already spent a thousand dollars on this tooth, and now I have to spend more. I was quite annoyed about it, really, when I made a realization.  I have no trouble spending money on art supplies, face creams, clothes, entertainment - things I enjoy, but I don't like to spend money on my health.  Why is that?

I realized there are two reasons -one of them is because of the obscene cost of any kind of  health care, no matter how simple, even with insurance (which I  don't consider even remotely useful - it's a just-in-case thing - we have yet to meet our deductible, ever).  The other reason is because I take my good health for granted.  I expect to be healthy. I mean, the main reason we never meet our deductible is because we don't need to go to the doctor very often.  So maybe I shouldn't complain when I do. In fact, I think I should be downright grateful about it.  And - I shouldn't take good health for granted.  I mean, I do try to eat pretty healthfully most of the time and traditionally I have exercised regularly (I do sometimes go through sporadic bouts of laziness, but I always come back to exercising because frankly, I feel better and am happier when I do) but I'm going to add my good health to my gratitude list more often.

Speaking of good health, since I "retired," I realize that it is more important than ever to exercise every day, especially since I now spend so much time at my sewing machine.  Being a teacher, I walked and was on my feet at least eight hours every day, and now I spend a lot more time sitting, and as I've mentioned before, sewing can be hazardous to one's health.  I have packed on a few very unwelcome pounds in the last eight months, so in my dorkiness, I have come up with ways to counteract the perils of sitting.  (Huh! Those office people with their walking machines and standing desks have nothing on me.)   Here are a few of the sitting-related issues I've noticed and the stuff I am doing to counteract them.

First I noticed  that I am losing muscle in my stomach from hunching forward which also, by the way, leads to a sore back and rounded shoulders, which I do not like at all.  Besides doing some heinous pilates, I am trying to address this issue while I work as well.  I make a conscious effort to sit up straight and hold my stomach in when I am sewing. I constantly roll my shoulders back, too.  I even switch feet on the presser pedal because I figure that it works the lower abs just a little if I am holding them tightly and pressing on the pedal at the same time.   Sometimes I crack myself up just a little, thinking I'm so EFFICIENT and PRESENT and all, doing these silly little things, but hey, it can't hurt, can it?

Second, I stand up whenever I can. There are a lot of opportunities to stand when quilting - one can spend hours cutting, for example.  Or pulling fabrics for the next project, arranging pieces on the design wall, ironing...so that's great, but I try to find other ways to get off my duff, even for a few moments - if I need to pull stitches out, I stand up.  If I cut something, I stand.  If I need to look at a sketch, I stand.  If the phone rings, or I need to check something on the internet, I stand.  I don't know if it makes any difference, really, but I still do it

Third, I make sure that I get up every hour and do something active for at least 15 minutes, too.   Everything counts, from doing laundry to watering the yard to getting dinner started.  This has the added benefit of my actually getting some household chores done, too - I can still spend lots of time sewing and can eliminate any guilt I might possibly feel for ignoring what I admit I consider to be my responsibilities...killing two birds, you know.

I keep water by my side all day, too.  Because water is important for so many reasons.  I stretch and sometimes I even take a break and do some stupid little isometric exercises, just whenever I think about it.
These are the things I am trying to do to countermand my suddenly much more sedentary life, which I really am enjoying enormously (except for the poochy stomach, which I really believe I CAN conquer; I don't care if I am middle-aged - stomach fat is not a given, just a tendency).

In short, understanding how important it is to be active, I'm trying to fit activity in while still doing the things I really love and want to do.  As nerdy as it may sound, I think it is making a difference.   If anyone else has any ideas or tricks they do, please share - if it's not too insane, I'll probably be willing to try it.   And I'll let you know when the pooch is gone.

WIP Report

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I  finished my ode to Andy Goldsworthy triptych.  I really love them, too.  Right now they are hanging over my bed.  I've been trying to come up with something for years!  They are perfect for the spot, and Paul (hubby) loves them, too.

I also finished a summer project for my brother and his family - also three pieces, but very large (seven feet by twenty-four inches each) and designed specifically for their house.  I am super pleased with them and luckily so is Katherine (sis-in-law). I will take a photo as soon as she gets them installed.

I started a project yesterday that I am so into, I only have eight more pieces to make (out of twenty) that's how motivated I am.  It's not my original design idea,  I got it from The Quilting Edge, my favorite blog.  It kind of reminds me of Chagall's circle painting but I have these gorgeous earthy fabrics and I thought the design would work well. Not an easy sew, however; much cursing and bringing myself back to presence throughout the day occured. It's going to be worth it though, I think...Next time, however, I am going to use a different technique - this one was not fun enough to repeat.  Still,  I can see many different iterations on the theme - I just want to find a less annoying (to me, anyway) way to do it!

A Gift From a Friend

This week I am in Kansas City visiting my cousin Hoddy.  It's been a great trip for many reasons, one being that my best friend since kindergarten also happens to live here, so I've been able to have fun with both of them although I admitted to them that I felt a little torn between two lovers, wanting to see both of them as much as possible - what a nice dilemma to have!   But the main reason I came at this time was to visit Hoddy and her family.

Hoddy is fifteen years younger than I, and grew up in San Francisco, CA.  I moved to the Bay area when she was eight, and she and her family are very special to me as they were very much supportive and loving during a time when I literally had no friends or money or idea of what the heck I was doing out in the world.  Over six feet tall, smart, fun and beautiful, Hoddy is a powerhouse of positive energy.  When I first moved to California, she spend a lot of time turning cartwheels in the living room of her flat and perfecting her considerable dance moves.  She then went on to play volleyball at William and Mary, attend law school, marry her college sweetheart, land a job at a top law firm in SF, have three children, and then move to Kansas and start two businesses (the BAR Method exercise studios - look it up, it's fabulous) here in Kansas.  In the space of three years, her businesses are not only successful, they are a lovely gathering place with an upbeat, energetic and caring atmosphere where (I can tell) true friendships and bonds are being formed.  That's because the Bar Method is her bliss - and it shows!  Not only does she give it her love, attention, and energy, she gets so much out of it as well.

And at the moment, Hoddy really needs every ounce of energy she can get, because she is using up a lot of her enormous well of it to battle cancer.  She was diagnosed with Stage IV lymphoma in February.   I came to Kansas to visit, give moral support, and help Hoddy, but I feel I've come away with far more than I have given and I want to share some of the things I've learned from my fabulous cousin.  She is attacking the evil disease on every possible front and I for one, really believe there is no possible chance it has against her aggressive and really, quite creative methods of fighting it.

First of all, she is taking the conventional approach.  She has just finished her sixth (and I believe her last) round of chemo.   I look at her and I am frankly, amazed at that fact.  I mean,  I know she has been through chemo because I sat with her through her last appointment, but she sure doesn't look or act like anyone I've ever seen on chemo.  Her color is great, her energy (while it is lower than she likes and is frustrating to her) is far higher than plenty of people who have never even taken chemo, and yes, she may be bald, but she's still lovely.

And I think I know why.  You see, when Hoddy found out she had serious cancer, she began to research.  The first area she looked into was food  She doesn't eat any inflammatory foods (such as dairy).  She does eat a lot of alkaline foods like kim chee and sauerkraut and she takes a spoonful of apple cider vinegar a couple of days a week.  She also eats no, absolutely no sugar (because cancer likes sugar).  She drinks green tea, she takes oil of cannabis, she eats a ton of antioxidant rich foods, and she is 100 percent organic (although she was already mostly organic for the last few years before the diagnosis, I must admit).  She also takes herbs that really help her with her blood counts, and drinks a ton of water (some of it infused with chlorophyll and lemon for their alkalizing properties).  She also fasts for 24 hours before and the entire day of her chemos, because the rate of absorption of the medicines is much higher when the cancer cells are hungry.  (When people ask her how she can do that, she says "I'm highly motivated.")

The next thing she does is acupuncture.  Not just for the effects of the chemo, but also to help her body be strong and fight the disease.  She does an infrared sauna a few days a week.   She works out and takes walks, even when she is tired, because it makes her feel better.  She spends time with her children - yesterday she took them swimming after school and she gets up early every morning so she and her husband get them a good healthy breakfast and a good start to their day.  In other words, she lives her daily life as much as she possibly can.

Hoddy does rest of course; she has to let the chemo do the work. But let's face it, chemotherapy is hardly therapeutic - it's entire purpose is to poison a person within a hairsbreadth of their life - she has to rest whether she wants to or not.  So sometimes she rests.

Another front she does battle on is addressing the emotional issues associated with being diagnosed with cancer at age thirty-three.  She sees a therapist, she meditates, she's just started going to an energy worker (similar to acupuncture but a little more spiritual).  When she's feeling down, she'll get a facial or a massage or pedicure - something that makes her feel relaxed.  She spends time with her friends when she can, and she lets them help her - something that is not easy for her to do, but she knows she would want to do the same for them and she knows she needs them right now.  She's scared, no doubt, but she is trying really hard to live in the moment, to do what she can do and let go of the rest.  It's possibly the hardest of all the battles, accepting that this is real and dealing with the unknowns, but Hoddy is valiantly staying the course, communicating, asking and receiving.

As I've said, I'd be hard-pressed to imagine anyone who is fighting harder or doing more to beat cancer than Hoddy.  And her energy and moxie and her creative, eclectic approach to this disease is inspiring to me in countless ways.  She is the epitome of giving life one's all.  I hope with all my being that I have been able to give her some comfort and love and joy on this trip but this I know: I will go home forever changed and inspired by what my brave and beautiful cousin has given me.

  So -  thanks from every part of my being for being, Hoddy Potter.  And Namaste, baby.  Namaste.

Lessons Learned

A couple of interesting lessons for me this week that I want to share:  First, on the link between creativity and being in the moment:  I just finished a wall hanging inspired by my week long foray into the tunnel of the Modern Quilt Guild website.  (I loved it in there – only my love for my family and need to work pulled me out, otherwise I might still be wandering around in there ooohing and aahhhing and getting generally very excited but accomplishing exactly nothing.  It’s a good place to visit for short periods, though – lots of inspiration.) 

I was pretty excited about the wall hanging - it was much more minimalistic than other things I’ve been working on, but it had possibilities.  Then one day I sold two of my art pieces.  I was glad about this, but I quickly reminded myself that while helpful, that isn’t the reason I create and to keep being present and not focus on what may or may not happen in the future with it.  (Good discipline, Carrie!  Good job being present!)  I was not being externally motivated – good for me. 

Well…I told  myself not to be external, but secretly (even I didn’t realize it) I was, and here’s how I know:  I fussed and cursed and got frustrated while I was working - much more than I have in a long time.  I felt impatient to be finished and my mind kept wandering to the next quilt I wanted to begin.  So there was little joy in the moment or presence while I worked – I wasn’t having much fun.

Secondly, when I did finish it, I felt – well, nothing.  I didn’t have a sense of peace or “rightness” or accomplishment I often feel when I finish something.  That feeling of ‘Yes, that’s it!’ never happened.  It just left me cold.  There’s nothing wrong with it – it’s fine technically, but I don’t like it that much, and I’m sure it’s because I lost touch with that creative vibe and became too wrapped up in the idea that I need to get more stuff out there as soon as possible because it might just sell.  In other words, I was focused on the outcome, not the doing, and the result is that I just don’t like this piece.  It’s too bad, too, because I spent a lot of time on it. 

It wasn’t a total loss, though.  The good news is that I learned a little something  –  I realized how important it is to true creativity to not think too much – about anything, in fact, but especially about a possible outcome that may or may not ever happen again.  I realize that often in the past when I was trying to create I missed a lot of the fun, although I didn’t realize it at the time.  I was always so focused on the outcome – I wanted to finish too much - hence the cursing and fussing and gnashing of teeth.  (Well I’ll be damned -  here I thought I was just a naturally impatient, ill-tempered guttersnipe, and it was all just a matter of focus…although I still blame a little of it on hormones….there’s no getting around the fact that menopause completely sucks!)

So it turns out that being truly creative is actually a discipline !  (And here so many people think artists are un-disciplined.)  Yep, it takes a lot of discipline to actually do the work, but the more important discipline is to be fully awake to each thing you do while you are doing it – that’s where the enjoyment comes in, that’s where the fun comes in - and now I know for certain - it’s where the beauty comes in as well.

 And no, I haven’t forgotten the other thing I was going to share – the first one was just rather long-winded. The second thought is that the universe is truly miraculous at giving one exactly what one needs exactly in the moment one needs it.  If not for the fact that one hour after I made some money on my art I went to the dentist and found out I have to have a root canal (to the tune of precisely the same amount I made on the sales), who knows how long it might have taken me to make the first realization?  I can only feel deeply grateful that a) it was an even trade, and b) for the time I’ve already saved in the future on things I might have wasted my time on because I was thinking too much about possible outcomes -Thanks, Karma!  J

(And while I may sound just the teensiest bit like I’m being ironic, I actually really am and do feel grateful – but still, it is  a little ironic, isn’t it?)

And just to keep myself honest, here is a picture of the quilt, called not-so-originally "Blocks of Color."

Are we there yet?

What I'm wondering at the moment is why?  Why is it that some projects come together so quickly while others hang on the design board for ages, half-finished or even nearly finished?  And still others are doomed to lie, inert and ignored until one day when I'm looking for something and I find them and think "Man I love this thing; I really need to finish it!"  After which I promptly fold it up and store it until the next time I look at it and exclaim over its loveliness and put it right back in the bin!
  Is it because some are easier than others?  Does it have to do with size?  Or is it the whim of my attention?  Because I started my latest piece about three weeks ago, and I'm already finished with it; while the piece I began in October, called Glacier, is still pinned to the design board waiting for even one hour of my attention to complete it.  And forget about the one that's three plus years old...  
The thing is, I like all three of them, and I really like to finish what I start, because then I feel like I haven't wasted my time, but still - why is it that I cannot seem to bring myself to complete some tasks, while others are done almost before I even realize it? 
I'm guessing that art, like everything else in my life, has its moods.  Anyway, one thing to point out, if I'm honest, is that the lack of completion usually centers, for me, around the actually quilting process; one which I feel is my weakest link as far as skill goes.  I can't afford to have someone else do the quilting for me (besides, if I'm being completely honest, to me it doesn't feel like it's truly mine if someone else works on it), and other ideas are always beckoning to me, singing their siren calls of novelty. 
So I've decided to give myself permission to have projects in various stages (I used to think I had to completely finish one project before I started another -  that practical German side of me rearing its hard, square head again) but only if I don't carry it too far and have more than three at any one time that I'm working on.  But if I'm totally honest, I will admit that currently it's more like I have five in various stages, and I've already done sketches for two more and begun cutting one of them out - oh crap, it's getting out of hand - I need to stop starting...and start finishing!
On the flip side, however, (because there's always a flip side, isn't there -gotta love that about life!) maybe art is all about inspiration, and you have to follow the thread of it when it strikes you.  Maybe that's how artists get their reputation for capriciousness - because sometimes when it hits it's all I can do to stop myself from getting up in the middle of the night so I can get started NOW (although often I just go with it, but I do try to be quiet so as not to wake up the entire house). 
And, too, I know myself well enough to see that at some point, I am actually going to want to finish those three/four/five-year old pieces and I will do so, just as someday I will finish all the pieces that my dearest mother started and didn't finish - whenever doing it will remind me of her and the special quilting days we shared with a smile, not tears.   It will all be done eventually, I know it will.  Or not - whatever. 
But not right now; at the moment I'm busy working on this little flash. 

Back in the Saddle?

            Finally!  I’m jumping back onto the writing and quilting bandwagon.  It’s been a very busy fall, and I just haven’t been able to get to either - too busy working .   (Hate it when being a grown-up interferes with my life.) 

           Naturally, now that things are starting to calm down, I’m looking around at my studio and I’ve realized that at the moment I have little desire to finish my current  work-in-progress, which has been patiently and quietly hanging on the wall, just waiting for me to come and help it fulfill its wall-hanging destiny.  I look at it and yeah, I still like it, and I want to finish it – oh, someday.    But I’d much rather start the new project that came into my head just yesterday.

            So I have this little drama going on inside my head. The practical (I’ll call it German) side of me thinks, “Now Carrie, you need to finish the one you started; you don’t want to have a bunch of unfinished projects, then you aren’t really accomplishing anything.  You can just finish this one and you’ll have something to look forward to starting after.  Just sit down and start working and you’ll get excited about it again…”  

 “Hmm,” I tell myself, “maybe I’m right.”    

            Suddenly in barges the other part of my brain (I’ll call it the ‘Not German’ or NG for short) .   “Oh come on, do what you feel like doing – art isn’t work, it’s art.  Go ahead and start the next project while you’re inspired!   You’ll finish the other one too, you know you will…eventually.   But look, you need something that will get you back into the creative groove, something  right now – this isn’t about being practical, this is about carpe diem!” 

“Hmm,” I think to myself, “I might have a point there, too.” 

            I hate it when that happens.  The battle between art and practical rages inside me all the time.   I’ve never been able to give in fully to either side.  I would actually love to just do what I feel like doing and not worry about it, but there’s that horrible super-ego that has a really large mouth that always has to have its say.  Whom do I listen to?  Who is right?  It’s quite a battle going on in my brain, and it happens often.   

            Suddenly I’ve had it.  “Stuff a cork in it, me!  Stop acting like this is some momentous decision and DO SOMETHING! “  I yell into my head.   Calmer, I make my decision, realizing that it doesn't really matter one way or another what I do, not only in this particular instance, but perhaps ever.  Aaah - that puts it all into perspective, doesn't it?   

            The choice is, of course, obvious to anyone who likes to create.  I’ll start the new one.   (To be honest, I already spent a few hours on the design yesterday, but feeling a little guilty when I glanced at the forlorn and unfinished project on the wall, I didn’t make any cuts yet – does it count if I haven’t actually actually started yet? ) 

            Anyway, to offset my guilt at being so undisciplined,  I will also confess that I also have no real idea how to put this new project together yet.  The sketch is great, but how I’m actually going to get it put together is another story…HA!  My practical side is now laughing in a rather undignified manner at my NG side.  Guess that’s what I exactly what I deserve for constantly talking to and then listening to my - selves.