When is Failure not a FAIL?

Failure isn't the opposite of success, failure is a stepping stone on the way to success.
                                                                                        
                                                                                      Arianna Huffington's mother

I finally finished my before un-named piece that I've been working on for a good two months or so.  It now has a name, Magnetism, but before I show it*** I want to tell the story of its creation.  This is one of those pieces that looks really simple (in fact I had to seriously check my ego when my sister-in-law said it looked like it was easy to make), but wasn't actually easy at all.  Basically once I had the drawing, I had to work out the construction, and it took a lot of thinking (for me at least) to figure out.  Once I got the how I was gonna do it, I had to actually do it.  Let me say, however, that although I felt it was a challenge, I really found myself enjoying it rather than being frustrated.  In the end I made about 7 extra squares because I wanted to make them as well as I could (notice I didn't say perfect, because I know better than to strive for perfection).  I even only got mildly irritated when I cut right through two completed squares and totaled them while trimming the colored circle seams. No cursing or even kvetching at all - that has to be a record!   

Once I got enough squares completed to my satisfaction, I was ready to construct the top. In my original drawing I had continued the yellow through the black sashing.  I worked on it for several days and tried many different ways, but I was just not able to make it work.  To my surprise, I really didn't find myself irritated or impatient at all even though nothing I tried worked.  Yes, I was a little disappointed, but once I saw it put together I was completely happy with it even though it hadn't lived up to my original expectations. 

Yahoo!  Now I was excited to back and quilt it, but then - I got another idea!  I decided it might be nice to put little black and white pluses in the middle of the piece.  Knowing it was not going to be a quick deal, I debated with myself and even took a photo and asked my friend Diane if I should.  She said yes of course - why wouldn't she?  It looked good and besides - she didn't have to do it!  But I agreed, so I then had to go back and undo the sashing and do what it took to add the pluses, adding more time and challenge.   And yes, some mild irritation attempted to sabotage my zen, but I succeeded in ignoring it and remaining calm and patient and yes, I really loved the result and deemed it totally worth it.

Finally I was ready to back and quilt it.  I don't really remember when I started it, but I have to say that this piece had already taken a lot longer than I thought it would but - and this is big but for me - despite the challenges so far I really had intensely enjoyed making this piece and I really, really liked it.  I spent a lot of time thinking about how to quilt it, but I couldn't come up with anything. Finally I got irritated with myself for acting like I was designing the Taj Mahal, so I just sat down and started quilting just the corner pieces.  And I'll be darned if I didn't like it!  

It was really time-consuming, however, and in the meantime I spent at least three hour-long walks trying to come up with a quilting design for the middles of the squares.   Again disgusted with myself putting too much energy into it, (I mean, I'm not going to be put in quilting jail or lose a limb if it's not right, am I?  It's just not that important, Carrie!) I sat down and started quilting the middle squares.  This time, however, it didn't work out.  Well, let me correct that - at first I thought I was happy with it.  In fact, I was so happy with it I actually quilted three entire squares.  Then I put it up on my design wall and looked at it for a day or so and realized not only was I not happy with it - I HATED it.  It wasn't true to my own personal design aesthetic at all - I realized I was trying to do heavy quilting like I'd seen on many quilts at Quiltcon - and more importantly, it wasn't at all right for this quilt.  But it was a heckuva lot of quilting and would take a heckuva a lot of time to pull out all those tiny stitches...

I thought about leaving it and just finishing the piece, I really did.  I mean, how important is this quilt?  I'd already spent so much more time on it than I had anticipated, and I do actually have other obligations to fulfill.  On the other hand, I really, really love this piece (sans the quilting, of course) and I really, really wanted the quilting to be right.  So I sighed heavily and began to pull all the stitches out.  It took over 45 minutes to undo the quilting on only one side of each square, but I took my time and pulled out every one of those suckers. And (and this part is almost miraculous to me) I actually felt grateful while I did it, because I was so glad that I could actually fix it.  After all, I wasn't in a hurry to finish it, and no, it's not important in the great scheme of things, I get that.  But when I had time, I worked on it a little bit.  To say I enjoyed it would be exaggerating, but I didn't mind it at all.  When I got too fatigued I just stopped and put it aside.  It took about a week, during which I finally figured out how I actually DID want to quilt it, and now, well - I sort of feel like it's some of my best work, ever!

But more importantly - I enjoyed creating this quilt, failures and challenges and all.  It was frustrating at times.  It took a long time.  It could have been a complete failure.  But it wasn't. And I really believe that in part it succeeded because no matter what happened, rather than allowing negativity to creep in, I just enjoyed the challenges.   I stayed calm and positive and was almost  - dare I say it?

                                              zen

Do I expect to be this way all the time from here on out?  Of course not!  I'm still me, and I'm far from enlightened.  But I'm going to try to remind myself of the joy of this experience often - especially when confronted with things that frustrate or annoy me.  Who knows - maybe in time it will become my way of handling things MOST of the time.  I think I'd like that.

***  I'll share some photos of the completed Magnetism in my next blog, I promise - it's late and I'm too tired to deal with photography right now.  Here's a look at the piece with the "all wrong" quilting, though.  I made it extra big so you could see it.  (Ugh - I still don't like it!)

Give us This Day Our Daily Walk...

It's been a while since I've written a "real" blog entry; I've been so busy, but I want to share something I heard recently on NPR.  On the program, there was a brilliant poet named Arandatti (not sure of the spelling), an anthropologist from Belgium, and a neurologist who studies creativity (I'm sorry I can't remember his name!) and they were having a lively and interesting discussion about different aspects of creativity and the brain and such which I thoroughly enjoyed, but at one point in the program, the neurologist got a chance to speak for one minute on how he would change the world. He said that if he could change the world, he would make taking a daily walk mandatory for everyone - and not just for the health benefits. 

It turns out that walking enhances creativity as well.  Apparently our mind/brain wanders freely when we walk, and often it takes us places and makes connections that we might not have made without the walking and it helps us think more creatively in general!  Not only is is kind of cool in itself - but oddly enough, just two days before I had made a promise to myself to do just this!  Coincidence?  I think not.  I know it was the universe talking to me and for once, I heard it loud and clearly!

Allow me to elaborate.  I live on a ranch in Central Texas.  We have some interesting winter weather here. I say interesting; in fact the winters are generally highly entertaining here - one never knows what one is going to get.  But some years seem more extreme than others. This year is one of them. 

Anyway, after several pretty wet and bone-chilling days, we had some amazingly beautiful weather last week - clear, sunny skies, temperatures in the high 70's...so I decided to take advantage of it and go for a walk, just to feel the sun on my skin.  At one point during my walk, I thought to myself, 'I live in such a gorgeous place - why don't I take a walk every day?  I must be nuts not to take advantage of these amazing surroundings more.  I need to enjoy this place - otherwise why live here?'  So I resolved to take a daily walk no matter what crazy weather we have, even if it's just for fifteen minutes. This walk would be in addition to any exercising I do, not in place of exercise, although the two can be combined. So the pace doesn't have to be fast; in fact, it can be downright slow and contemplative - whatever seems right in the moment.  

Then I heard this NPR show and it was an Oprah "AHA!" - meant to be.  

Taking a daily walk sounds like a no-brainer, right?  But here's the thing about these walks that might turn some people off.  According to the neurosurgeon, there are some parameters.  You see, you aren't allowed to take a phone or an ipod or any device with you on your walk. It's just you, your feet, and the great outdoors.  Otherwise you won't be freethinking or mind wandering or whatever he called it and you won't get the same effects. (He didn't get into whether one has to be in nature or if it works in the middle of the city, but I'm guessing it doesn't matter where, but nature is probably preferable is possible - fewer distractions...don't know for certain though.) 

Being without a device is definitely not a problem for me, as I had already decided not to take phone or music with me anyway because I didn't want to be distracted.  And - as my friends will undoubtedly point out, I'm not all that plugged in anyway - I usually can't get to my phone when someone is calling because I'm upstairs working and I've forgotten to bring my phone with me, or vice versa, or I forget to charge it...a rather hopeless case, I'm afraid. (Although I do get back to them when they leave messages, and I answer texts and emails all the time. I DO!)

To some, it might be a deal-breaker to be unplugged for any amount of time, but I'm so IN! I love anything that has so many benefits - Vitamin D, alone time, exercise and movement, enjoyment of the outdoors AND a creativity boost -  I think it's a wonderfully fabulous idea.

 I wonder if the neurosurgeon guy thought of it while he was on a walk?

A Little Bit of Nothing

Generally I’m a pretty active person.  I have many things to do and I enjoy the challenge of doing them.  For the last couple of days, however, I’ve been having a problem with motivation – or lack thereof.  Blame it on my knee that’s been bothering me, blame it on the recent discovery that my darling cousin is fighting Stage IV cancer, blame it on hormones - whatever, but there it is!   I feel all of a sudden, as though I’m having to force myself to do things:  exercise, clean out my filthy car, or the refrigerators, or my house (usually I enjoy doing such things, believe it or not – I sort of use them as a spiritual practice – to enjoy whatever it is that needs to be done at the moment, even if it’s spending three hours vacuuming out the car – it is a pleasant feeling of accomplishment and a helluva(n) arm workout!) But I don’t feel like doing right now. 

 I don’t want to just sit and vegetate though, not at all – nope, instead I’m thinking back to my youth when spending an entire afternoon reading a book somehow didn’t seem like a waste of time at all.  What I really feel like doing is being; I want to meditate, pray, read – books and blogs and poems,  I want to write- in my journals, on my blog, on my stories, and of course, I want to create (okay, that’s doing, but it’s also a little like breathing for me – can’t not do it!)

 Of course I’ve got a long list of to-do’s but I don’t feel like striking the iron, so to speak.  Maybe the summer heat has made me indolent, I don’t know.  But for the first time ever in my adult life, I think I might be in a unique position to give in to it.  I’m on my own for a few days – my husband and son are in California, and so I’m going to experiment, and just do only exactly what I feel like doing, whatever that is at the moment.   I realize it is a huge luxury, but I’m calling it a Soul Time.  So what if the house needs cleaning, so what if I have errands to do, phone calls to make, etc. – they can wait a couple of days, none of them is particularly urgent.  I’m going to do the some of the quiet things that I often put on the back burner until I’ve fulfilled all my other responsibilities (which rarely happens, of course!) 

I’m thinking this is a fine idea -  that allowing myself this time to sort of catch up on quiet time will allow me to go back into my regular life with renewed purpose, vigor, and joy.  I also think it will lead to more and new inspirations, as being quiet often does.   Who knows, if it works out, I may plan on doing it on a regular basis – once every so often just giving myself a day to do – nothing in particular.  Sounds pretty dreamy but also it reminds me of the Sirens in Odysseus  – don’t want to get lost in a vortex of not doing for too long!   I’ll let you know how it all works out, of course.  Just – if you don’t hear from me in a few days, send someone in after me, okay.

                                                                  WIP UPDATE:

 Been working on a quilt for charity – it’s the first patten quilt I’ve done in quite some time – lots of little squares!  But I finally got the top finished and am on to backing and quilting.  I admit I had to bring myself to presence several times; I found it a tiny bit irksome because it has been rather time-consuming – especially in my quest for perfection.  It’s been a good practice to remind myself that I want to infuse everything I do with joy, especially something like this which is going to someone who needs it, and I wanted it to be special enough to show the recipient how important he is (it’s a boy quilt).   Anyway, here’s a picture –

I'm calling it "Down the Red Steps."  It's a simple split rail pattern, but I still like to think up fun names as pieces are developing.  I’m pretty pumped because I really have gotten so much from these fabrics – and one purchase!  This is the third piece I’ve completed using this collection – I am so glad I bought it!  It’s a really inspiring line,  I must say – if I had any more of it – I might come up with some more ideas!  So kudos to Carrie Bloomston  for a job well done – I know she’s designed more fabrics for Windham – can’t wait to check them out! 

Lessons Learned

A couple of interesting lessons for me this week that I want to share:  First, on the link between creativity and being in the moment:  I just finished a wall hanging inspired by my week long foray into the tunnel of the Modern Quilt Guild website.  (I loved it in there – only my love for my family and need to work pulled me out, otherwise I might still be wandering around in there ooohing and aahhhing and getting generally very excited but accomplishing exactly nothing.  It’s a good place to visit for short periods, though – lots of inspiration.) 

I was pretty excited about the wall hanging - it was much more minimalistic than other things I’ve been working on, but it had possibilities.  Then one day I sold two of my art pieces.  I was glad about this, but I quickly reminded myself that while helpful, that isn’t the reason I create and to keep being present and not focus on what may or may not happen in the future with it.  (Good discipline, Carrie!  Good job being present!)  I was not being externally motivated – good for me. 

Well…I told  myself not to be external, but secretly (even I didn’t realize it) I was, and here’s how I know:  I fussed and cursed and got frustrated while I was working - much more than I have in a long time.  I felt impatient to be finished and my mind kept wandering to the next quilt I wanted to begin.  So there was little joy in the moment or presence while I worked – I wasn’t having much fun.

Secondly, when I did finish it, I felt – well, nothing.  I didn’t have a sense of peace or “rightness” or accomplishment I often feel when I finish something.  That feeling of ‘Yes, that’s it!’ never happened.  It just left me cold.  There’s nothing wrong with it – it’s fine technically, but I don’t like it that much, and I’m sure it’s because I lost touch with that creative vibe and became too wrapped up in the idea that I need to get more stuff out there as soon as possible because it might just sell.  In other words, I was focused on the outcome, not the doing, and the result is that I just don’t like this piece.  It’s too bad, too, because I spent a lot of time on it. 

It wasn’t a total loss, though.  The good news is that I learned a little something  –  I realized how important it is to true creativity to not think too much – about anything, in fact, but especially about a possible outcome that may or may not ever happen again.  I realize that often in the past when I was trying to create I missed a lot of the fun, although I didn’t realize it at the time.  I was always so focused on the outcome – I wanted to finish too much - hence the cursing and fussing and gnashing of teeth.  (Well I’ll be damned -  here I thought I was just a naturally impatient, ill-tempered guttersnipe, and it was all just a matter of focus…although I still blame a little of it on hormones….there’s no getting around the fact that menopause completely sucks!)

So it turns out that being truly creative is actually a discipline !  (And here so many people think artists are un-disciplined.)  Yep, it takes a lot of discipline to actually do the work, but the more important discipline is to be fully awake to each thing you do while you are doing it – that’s where the enjoyment comes in, that’s where the fun comes in - and now I know for certain - it’s where the beauty comes in as well.

 And no, I haven’t forgotten the other thing I was going to share – the first one was just rather long-winded. The second thought is that the universe is truly miraculous at giving one exactly what one needs exactly in the moment one needs it.  If not for the fact that one hour after I made some money on my art I went to the dentist and found out I have to have a root canal (to the tune of precisely the same amount I made on the sales), who knows how long it might have taken me to make the first realization?  I can only feel deeply grateful that a) it was an even trade, and b) for the time I’ve already saved in the future on things I might have wasted my time on because I was thinking too much about possible outcomes -Thanks, Karma!  J

(And while I may sound just the teensiest bit like I’m being ironic, I actually really am and do feel grateful – but still, it is  a little ironic, isn’t it?)

And just to keep myself honest, here is a picture of the quilt, called not-so-originally "Blocks of Color."