T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-Too Much Time On My Hands! (from a 1970's Styx song, for those of you who might know it and want to hum the tune)

The other day I made a realization.  When one has a lot of ideas and suddenly has the actual time to pursue said ideas, it’s hard to figure out what to focus upon.  It’s not a new realization, really – I always seemed to struggle when I was taking only twelve hours in college, and my best semesters of all happened when I was working twenty or more hours and taking eighteen hours.  I was busy as hell, but I got everything done and made good grades to boot.

At the moment I have the opposite – I am completely in charge of my day, which is a heavenly luxury.  But - I’m having a hard time getting things done.   I don’t know which “project” to focus upon, and I end up either completely neglecting one thing for others, or just feel overwhelmed and end up spending way, way too much time lost in the cyberworld.  (It really is addicting- there’s so much to see, to research, to be inspired by…sometimes I feel like I’m Harry Potter and the internet is the Penseive thingy – I get too close and suddenly I’m sucked in, trapped until it decides to spit me out!)

One might say that I have too many projects.  Well, too bad for that – I am determined to work at all these things to their ends, or until and unless they no longer make sense to pursue.  I can let go of things if they aren’t right, but sometimes one has to keep pushing to make things happen.   I don’t feel like I’ve ever really given some of these things that kind of effort, time and attention  yet.   So they are all still on the docket.  Period.

It’s ironic, though, that we often wish we had more time to do this or that, but when we have the time, it still goes just as swiftly as it did when we didn’t have it!  I now see why my older sister is so hyper-organized - she seems to have schedules for her schedules!  I understand - she has so much on her plate that she simply won’t get things done if she doesn’t have time budgeted for it.   To me, that has always seemed too rigid - I’ve always been more of a “take things as they come,” sort of girl.   After all, I don’t want to miss out on any serendipitous events!   (I’m sure my sister will tell you that it leads to my being somewhat flighty, and I won’t deny it.  But I do have the good grace to feel guilty about it, at least…) And I’ve managed to get things done and be successful without it – mostly.

 Too, when I was the mother of a young child, I ran across mothers who would never alter their child’s routines – everything revolved around the child’s schedule.  That was NOT me.  If there was something to do and it was naptime or lunch time, we skipped naptime, ate on the run and went and had fun!   Yet I will admit that most of the time, we did have naptime, and a bedtime routine, and yes - a set schedule. 

So I guess I need to do both – set a schedule and maybe some deadlines and follow them the majority of the time, but still be flexible enough to stay with something if it’s inspired, or needs attention right now.    After all, creativity and inspiration are not subject to schedules – they appear when they appear, and I’m still me enough to have to go with them when they do their dance on my head.  

Such a lovely dilemma to have, anyway.   I’m not complaining – just, as usual, working things out as I write.  I wonder if most people feel torn, as I do, between being a disciplined grown up and a free-spirited will o’the wisp.  For me, it’s been sort of a lifelong battle between my two, seemingly equal, natures.  It’s difficult to embrace both sides and make it work.  The practical side has won out mostly and I frankly resent it sometimes!  But now that the other me is free, I fear it needs to be reined in a little because it’s a little scary!  And maybe not so productive, and life is short! So once again, I'm trying to balance the two with an uneven scale.   I’ll try to be honest about how things are going.  For example, I did plan on blogging on Mondays, and here it is Wednesday…oops - already off schedule!  J  

It's a Mod, Mod World

I love the modern quilt movement.  The designs, the fabrics – all of it are so fresh and cheerful and free.  I don’t know how long it’s been going on – I discovered it about two years ago.  There was this blog on the Modern Quilt Guild site –  the title was 100 Days of Modern Quilts.  I spent a lot of time on that blog, and still use it for inspiration.  The Modern Quilt Guild, or MQG even put on its first big quilt show, called QuiltCon, last year.  As it was in Austin, Texas  (right down the road) I not only went to the show, I volunteered, something I would highly recommend – it was really fun.  And the quilts – oooh -  I loved them ALL!

I volunteered mostly because I want to be a modern quilter and I don’t know how.  I mean, I think I understand it, but when I design, I can’t seem to come up with anything that fits the modern quilt sensibility.  I’m not so sure why, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because I’m just not cool enough.

The modern quilt movement seems to be pretty dominated by people in their twenties, thirties and forties although there are people of every age participating.   There was a definite hip vibe there – lots of funky glasses, mod haircuts, many body piercings and orange, purple, green and blue hair…I dug these people, they seemed like my own.  Afterwards people from the quilt show even shared their tattoos on the MQD blog – many of which were quilting, sewing, or creativity-related!   All I can say to that is “Well.”  I don’t think I have to go that far, do I?  I mean, I don’t have anything against piercings, but I don’t want to have to do it just to be able to quilt modern!  (Though the idea of having purple or pink hair is actually appealing to me, but at my age (49) it seems a little “wanna be.”)  But I do.  I do so wanna be -- a modern quilter! 

After seeing the art works in that show, I can say that modern quilts are absolutely a departure from the traditional way of making a quilt.  Very few of them use traditional quilt blocks (although some do) and there are definite specific types of fabrics that most modern quilters use.  Another thing I noticed was negative space – there seems to be a lot of that, too.  Okay, I get it…at least I think I do…but still, I can’t seem to come up with ideas that seem modern.  

I’ve been trying and trying to push myself in a certain direction, because I like what I see there.  But when I stop and think about it, I have to wonder why.  Does it really matter whether my art fits a certain description?  Of course not.  It is what it is, man.   

Oh well - I guess I can’t order up what kind of creativity I want to channel.  I’ll just have to make do with whatever ideas come my way, and be grateful for them.  It’s not as though I don’t like what I’m creating, so it seems silly to be so focused on trying to create in a certain “genre.”  I can still be inspired by and love modern quilts.  I can buy books and study them and make other people’s designs.  And I haven’t given up hope of coming up with some “modern” designs of my own.  It could still happen – I’m not dead yet.  I’m just not going to force it.  I’m just going to take what comes, and enjoy the ride.  Maybe I’m not cool, but I am

                                                                        Zen.   

It Doesn't Hurt to Try...Does It?

To some, it might seem like a waste of time and resources to work on a project that might end up in the depths of the landfill.  While it is indeed a luxury to be able to potentially toss something if it doesn’t turn out (or turn it into a rag, or a doggy pillow, or whatever), it’s also an opportunity: to create without any expectations.  Now, I’ve never been afraid to try new techniques or crazy ideas, but one thing I’ve never done is just sit down and play, without a real idea or a sketch, or even the expectation of the outcome of a finished product.  It just seemed too self-indulgent a thing for "Practical Carrie" to do.  

To my mind, going blind into the foray of creation can have three possible outcomes – something totally crappy, something good, or something great.  (Maybe there is also a fourth possibility, which is something truly extraordinary.  One should never rule that out, I suppose.)  But for me, it’s a scary proposition because I am programmed: to NOT waste time, to NOT waste resources, to ALWAYS pursue excellence, and to ALWAYS have a finished product.  So if it didn't seem like a good idea, I simply didn't try it.  But as my husband put it the other day, “Every idea isn’t a genius one.”  So true.  Something else to remember, on the other hand, is that each idea - stupid, ugly or useless as it may seem, carries the potential to lead to something worthwhile. So it shouldn't hurt to try stuff...should it?

Last week I decided to go through my fabric scraps and leftovers and “organize” them.   As I did, I found some squares of fabric that were given to me at QUILTCON last year.  For once having the luxury of time, I decided to play a little.  I put like colors together and began cutting them up and re-sewing them, mixing the fabrics, etc. to create new squares.  I wasn’t exactly bowled over by the results, and since they were free and I didn’t really care about them, I felt perfectly at ease with the idea of just tossing them. So it was out of pure curiosity that  I stuck them on my design wall and played around a little, wondering if there was anything I could do to make them more interesting or likeable, thinking I might just toss them; trying different arrangements and not being one bit invested in actually producing a finished work…

And playing around with them off and on for a couple of days; I ended up with this (not quite finished yet, but wanted to share it anyway):

It’s small, and perhaps not too excitingly original, but in the end I think it’s cute and cheerful and I know I had fun making it.  And it’s made entirely from stuff I had on hand, and  lastly it's a surprise how much it appeals to me – I really like it!  Go figure.

I felt so pleased with Green Peace, as I call it, that last Friday I tried free creating again.   My niece and nephew (aged 6 and 10) were at my house and while my son Jonas and his cousin Karsten were playing video games, Aven and I went up to the sewing room.  She found some 2 ½ inch squares of really cute fabrics that were also freebies from QUILTCON and fell in love with them.   I told her to make any arrangement she wanted on the design wall, and I would show her how to sew them together.  She had so much fun with it!   (Her seams were pretty straight, too!)  And the result is well – so modern and I think, adorable! 

She decided to frame it in white, a result I love, and I’m trying to convince her to make it into a pillowcase, but she wants it to be a quilt, which is fine.  I guess I was just surprised by how much I liked this simple little rectangle made of squares. It’s really the fabric and colors that make it so cute.  At first I tried to stop Aven from putting white squares next to each other, but then I just decided to let her do it exactly the way she wanted, and it’s fine and I call it (appropos a six-year-old) "Missing Teeth."  

From my recent experiences I (as usual) learned some things.  First, not to always be so invested in trying to create something “new” and “original.”  It’s okay just to play with color or put things together in a simple way – one can still end up with something really keen and likeable.  And second, not to have to have an outcome in mind, meaning a finished piece.  If I try something, and it doesn’t look good or I don’t like it, I can always “scrap” it and move on to something else.  Especially when I’m literally using fabric pieces that are either free or leftover from previous projects. 

These two little experiences were so enjoyable, it made me change my mind about the scraps.  I was going to sell them for fifty cents at my spring garage sale, or donate them…but now I see their value.  I’m going to keep at least some of them - for futher experiments!  Maybe my little realization is my coming late to a party that many people have been enjoying for a long time – well, better late than never.  Now that I’m here, I’m stayin’ for a while!   Who knows, it could lead me to my best work yet!  One thing is certain – I’ll enjoy the ride wherever it takes me – whether it’s to the garbage can  - or someplace maybe a little less stinky.  

And Now, Let Us Give Thanks

        Gratitude is the order of the day.  Life is full of challenges, and it’s our nature to dwell not on the good, but to focus upon the negative for whatever reason.   There's even a name for this phenomenon - it's called ruminating , and some psychologists believe there are valid reasons for it ( you can google it if you want).     Whatever it’s called, frankly, it reeks and I don't care to validate it.  But the truth is,  the older I get and the more pain, sadness and suffering I see, the more I realize how easy it is to be taken over by this destructive and useless “thinking.” 

       I’m in good company – look at  Mark Twain, a brilliant man who in his younger years possessed a sardonic, hilarious wit, and whose humorous and irreverent stories had the ability to entertain and poke fun at human beings (himself included) while simultaneously embracing and loving the very humanity of us.  He was able to make us laugh at our ridiculousness with a lovingkindness that was not only not threatening, but was often uproariously funny and even sometimes taught a lesson.  Sadly, he became quite cynical and depressed as he got older – a true curmudgeon in every sense of the word.   I understand how it can happen and I’m not judging you, Mark!  I just don’t want to suffer the same fate. 

          Which is why I’ve resolved to start and end each day with gratitude.   Today, for example, I’m flooded with a profound feeling of thanks which I’m going to take the time to express, enjoy, and hopefully pass on to you.  Don’t worry, I realize that often it can be boring to be subjected to someone else’s litany of thanks (even though it is undoubtedly helpful to remind oneself – often - of those specific people, ideas, and things for which we are thankful).

         Instead, I shall point out my gratitude for some things rather larger -  the infinite mystery of my individual existence, for one.  Think about it.  The fact that I exist at all is a miracle.  Despite our myriad differences, all our ancestors have one thing in common – they survived – at least long enough to reproduce – no mean task in the prehistoric, or even the civilized world.  And it led to each of us being here now.

       Too, all we know, all we have is built on the learning and knowledge even of our most distant ancestors – even Australopithicus had a hand in the invention of lasers, computers, and allergy pills (and in this season of cedar fever I give profound thanks for them!)  The deep understanding of plants and food sources which allows us to feed so many;  technology which has made the entire world instantly accessible; science and discovery that has made it possible for millions upon millions of people to survive infancy, all comes from millions of years of experimentation, luck, and knowledge passed down from generation to generation.  (And who knows how much we’ve lost, only to be re-discovered in the past/future!)

       The fact that I’m sitting here today, writing on this computer is a small miracle, to me.  I’m not going to analyze the reasons or to say something about justifying my existence - something that I’m often apt to do - not today.  Today I’m just going to let the gratitude for this realization flow through me and experience the joy of it.

        Then there’s creativity – an infinite amount of it - that exists in every one of us.  It expresses itself in an untold, immeasurable multitude of ways.  I’ve heard some people say that no idea is original; that everything that’s been said or created or made or done has already been thought of before.  It may be true, but to me that just illustrates the connectedness of all things – it’s a beautiful thought to know that somehow in this world of multiplicity, we’re each linked to each other through the same creative force.       
     And why such a premium on originality anyway, given the fact that we owe our very existence to constantly building upon the collective knowledge and experience of those who came before us?    Even if two people simultaneously come up with the very same idea on opposite sides of the universe, why does that compromise its usefulness, or the infinite number of ways it can be utilized, changed,  looked at - what difference does it make if it’s “new,” if it has the power to bring joy, comfort, connectedness or peace?

        I  have a knowing; a deep sense that each of us present on this planet comes from the same place, that we’re all connected to this creative, loving force that gives us all this richness and multiplicity.  Aside from all the interesting, exciting and deeply pleasurable opportunities it affords, it also makes me feel such an amazing feeling of joy. 

        And for the ability to feel that joy, I feel deeply, profoundly (Yep, you got it!)

                                                        Grateful. J  

Post Quilt Show Blahs

This is the first time that I’ve ever come home from the Houston International Quilt Festival NOT feeling guilty about how much money I spent on fabric, and not spending every spare second (and even some not-so-spare seconds) I have on  creating.  While I should feel glad (relieved, even) that I haven’t over – well, over-anything-ed, I can’t help but feel a little bummed about it.  You may be asking yourself “Now why would she feel upset about NOT overdoing it?”  Let me explain - it’s not the savings that upsets me – it’s the lack of excitement and inspiration that causes the overspending that I’m missing.   I just didn’t find anything that really wowed me, and I didn’t come home with any inspired ideas, either.  Don’t get me wrong, I saw a lot of beautiful, amazing pieces.  I took tons of pictures, and revisiting them is a joy, but still, I just seem to have a bad case of the quilt-show blahs. 

Perhaps it’s mood – I’ve been so busy focusing on finishing pieces lately that I feel a little flat.  I have a bunch of sketches and ideas jotted down, but I don’t feel the usual excited anticipation to get to them.  Maybe I’m just not allowing myself to go there because I’m so determined to complete these old pieces, but I must admit I prefer a frantic frenzy of creativity to this bland, plodding to the finish.

 It could be fear, too.   Deep down it could be that I’m afraid I’m not capable of reaching the level of artistry, creativity and seeming perfection I see at the quilt show.  Of course that in itself is another form of focusing on the goal, not the journey and also brings in the added weight of ego into the mix; another obstacle to zen existence, which, paradoxically, is my ultimate goal…hmmm, ponder THAT one - I’m not sure I can wrap my puny brain around it.

Too, I feel a little as though I’ve plateaued a bit, both skill-wise and creatively.  The flow of ideas I’ve experienced practically non-stop for the last ten years or so seems to be experiencing a serious drought.  Usually the quilt show gets the juices flowing, but alas, I’m still bone-dry.  I feel like I need something to bump me up to the next level.

In an attempt to prod my suddenly sluggish imagination, I’ve been looking at quilt books, magazines, blogs and websites a lot lately, especially focusing on modern quilts, to no avail.   I LOVE modern quilts, but it just seems to further flog my flagging quilting confidence because I just can’t seem to come up with any ideas.  (Apparently I don’t dream in modern quilts although I really, really want to.)    

While I’m in confession mode, I might as well be totally honest:  The last reason I think I might be in a creative desert is because I think I may be looking for a wee little bit of validation.   I haven’t had any sales in a while, which makes me wonder if it’s all just a colossal waste of time and energy.  I mean, if nobody wants them, or I can’t get any recognition from my peers, what’s the point?  I know, I know – serious zen buzz-kill.  It’s supposed  to be about the joy of creating what the universe has inspired.  Hey, I’m not proud of it – I’m just coming clean, here.  And as usual, the mere act of baring my naked soul immediately jolts me right out of this vortex of apathy in which I’ve been swirling.  Here it comes - a good, old Oprah “AHA!”

I’m going to step away from trying  so hard to create.  Instead,  I’ll continue to work on UFO’s until they are done because even though I realize it’s goal-oriented, I can’t fight my practical German side – it’s DNA for god’s sake!  Something in me just won’t let me move forward until I complete what I’ve started.   I don’t need to  look for inspiration, new ideas, or even perfection.  I’m going to trust the infinite creativity of the universe and accept whatever happens – because even if I never have another inspiration, it’ll be fine – I can still find joy in the doing!   And that, my friends, is precisely the point, isn’t it?   

{I have to say it - Don’t you just love the universe/God/whatever you want to call it?  It will absolutely always give you the answers you need, even if they aren’t the ones you want to hear!   I feel the joy flowing back into me even as I write -Glorious!}

And by the way – The Neverending Quilt is  - no, not finished – (get real!) but I have finished the quilt top, which in itself is a minor miracle.  On to the sandwiching and quilting!  Although in keeping with my relentless need to be honest, I will reveal that I did take a small break from UFO’s to work on a new piece, a present for my sister…DON’T JUDGE ME (it wouldn’t be very zen of you!)

The Neverending Quilt

I admire people who spend a year or more on one quilt, meticulously piecing itsy bitsy teeny tiny pieces into a fabulous whole, or quilting every square centimeter to get a particular effect.  I’m amazed and awed by their dedication and, well – patience!  Wish I had it.

 I guess I better go back to Zen kindergarten because I have been working on a piece (not my own design) that I’m beginning to suspect is an endless series of squares that, if stacked, could reach from here to the moon and back and I will never, ever finish making them  so I will never actually complete the quilt, I will spend the rest of my life on the Sisyphusian task of making the same squares over and over until my brain is mush and I go to sleep, only to find I have more to make the next time I sit down to work.  And the pattern says the finished quilt is only 60 x 80 inches - huh, I don’t believe it.  By the time I’m done with these bloomin' squares I bet I’ll have enough of them to insulate a three story building.

When I bought the pattern (approximately seven years ago) I was really jazzed about it – I loved the colors and the almost 3-D effect it had, and I had every intention of making it right away.  I started cutting it out but okay - ideas happened and I set it aside. Then during one of my lovely (read: annoying) little epiphanies I always seem to have while writing this blog, I declared that I was going to either get rid of or make any patterns I currently have, because it is wasteful to have something and not use it.  So I’m stuck working on the neverending quilt…Again.

[Author’s Note:  You may have noticed this theme cropping up often – it is rather a struggle for me.  I don’t know why I have this trouble with art when I have no problem at all trashing homework or important papers  (although in my defense, if it is so damned important, why would it be sitting on the kitchen counter for so long and how am I supposed to know it matters when you put EVERYTHING on the kitchen counter all the time?!).  I can toss (or giveaway) clothes that are perfectly good because I’m tired of them.  I can let leftovers stay in the fridge until they grow fuzz…I can throw out, give away, or get rid of almost anything – except for something that I have a potential idea for, which may or may not include some of the following: foam wig heads, bits of rusty metal, baling wire, various colored tiles,  colored tacks ( I have an idea for them!) mason jars (that’s the teacher in me – never know when you might need a jar with a lid…) and of course, fabric I like or quilt patterns I might like to make someday.   I would never define myself as a pack rat – I really cannot abide mess, but when it comes to my art, well – lets just say I have a lot of ideas and not so much time.  But I am still excited by them so I keep the stuff because I might get to it…someday.]

So...I want to have this piece, but…but – I’m so sick of making these endless, monotonous, neverending squares!  I’ve been making them, off and on, for about a year!  I get bored, work on something else, and I swear - the more of them I make, the more I still have to make!  It’s like that Star Trek episode, “The Trouble with Tribbles.”   Except instead of the making more squares (I’d love it if they’d make themselves), they just multiply the number of each square needed every time I walk away from it.  I mean – look at these piles of squares!

 

 

Some of you may look at this and say "Oh, that's not so many squares!  What is she complaining about - I've done much, much more!"  Well, you say po-tay-toe and I say po-tah-toe, so - WHATEVER!  I can only share my own experience, and besides, the picture makes the piles look way smaller, and that table is BIG...And that's not even all the squares, anyway!

However, I know from my experience with being so ZEN, that I am supposed to focus on the doing, not the outcome, and like I said, I admire those people who can spend so much time on the one, fantastic, amazing piece and not be antsy for the next one.  I aspire to be like that, really I do.  I just ain’t there yet!  

My spiritual teacher says to be grateful for the things that make you go deeper, that force you to become more present.  Sooo – thanks a lot, Neverending Quilt - for making me focus on one little itty bitty teeny tiny neverending square at a time.  I’m absolutely certain you are helping me become a better, more enlightened person.  I’m grateful.

 Really.

(Un)Finished Business

It’s a long haul from start to finish on a piece of art, at least for me.  Sometimes I get bored in the middle of one piece and start on another, seemingly more exciting one.   So despite my best intentions, I have several UFO’s (Un-Finished Objects).  They are in various states of completion, and I like them all - I just can’t seem to finish them for some reason.  Maybe I need to schedule a completion intervention.  No more new until I finish all my old. 

Oh how tedious that sounds.

As we’re entering the autumn season I always experience a sense of renewal, as inexplicable as that may seem.   I realize the year is winding down, the annuals are dying and the trees and summer plants are going into their dormancy, but (maybe it’s the schoolteacher in me) I feel like something new is starting up again. I’m filled with energy (which unfortunately does NOT transfer to housework) and I want to create!  I don’t feel like finishing old projects.

I’ve tried to keep track of how long it takes to create a quilt from start to finish, but I have never succeeded.  I know I should, but time doesn’t seem to matter because I’m obsessed with my art, so no matter how much time it takes, it’s going to happen.  My guess is that from designing to putting on the binding, it takes a minimum of 60 hours, maybe more, which for me is spent mostly on the weekends as I’m still working full-time.  Which is why I’m a little undisciplined, I guess.  I want to do what I feel like doing, which isn’t always the practical thing. 

On the flip side, I’ve already spent a great deal of time of these unfinished pieces, so I should probably go ahead and complete them, otherwise the time I’ve spent on them already is wasted, right?  Maybe not.  As I tell my teenage son when he compains about school, every time we learn something, it becomes a part of us.  We use it in ways we may never even realize and it all makes us who we are.  I think learning is one of the reasons we’re here on this planet.  I definitely learn something with every piece I make, thus I’m fulfilling my purpose just by doing it, no matter whether it is finished or not.  (Nice rationalizing, huh?)

Unfortunately that argument doesn’t work all that well for me – it makes me feel annoyed to think of those beautiful creations scrunched away in a dark closet, strings dangling.  Poor things – they aren’t able to fulfill their destiny (which in my mind is to make people feel happy every time they look at them.  So instead of being restless to start something new, I think I’ll instead finish my UFO’s instead this year. Likethe winding down of the seasons, I’ll complete the cycle(s} I’ve begun.  Who knows?  It may not be so tedious after all.  Even if it is I’ll still be in a good place because no matter what I say, I just feel  better when I don’t have a bunch of loose ends, literally or figuratively. 

Now, I’m not kidding myself that there’s not going to be another pile up of UFO’s in the future - I think it just might be part of my creative process.  But in the meantime, I’ll be starting something even if it’s not a new project – I’ll be starting a blank slate.