Saturday, August 25, 2012

Got Fervor?

So from where does inspiration come?  It seems to come from everywhere, actually.  One can be inspired in the most unexpected ways and places, sometimes it’s inconvenient and sometimes kind of funny – like having to make a sketch of some idea in the dark theater in the middle of a movie - but I subscribe to the belief that it’s all out there coming from the one source, and we just have to be present and aware and it flows in.  Not that it matters, I’m just thrilled to be channeling all this creativity from the universe.   

At least, I think I am.

 I mean, I have so many ideas and plans right now, I don’t know how I can possibly get them all done - ever.  And yet I’m constantly bombarded by a barrage of inspiration…I dutifully sketch them, (not just because I don’t want to lose the vision but because I’m actually sort of an organized sort – not that you could tell that by my studio) add them to my list, and sometimes I’m so excited I abandon whatever I’m currently working on to begin something else because I’m totally compelled by it.  It’s both exhilarating and exhausting…naturally I love it!

But once again, I find myself questioning this drive to create and what it’s all about.  It’s by no means a secure investment of my time or money, but for some reason I just can’t seem to care, which naturally scares the stuffing out of my practical, responsible side.   Let’s be honest – it is a bit scary/ridiculous that I resent having to work at my part-time job because it interferes with my art. It’s only three days a week, for goodness sake!  But there you have it - I think I might need an intervention…

And BAM! Once again my examination of my own insanity leads to a new revelation. It seems I have to have a passion in my life, something that is almost – oh, who am I kidding - completely consuming.  Looking back I realize I was that way as a teacher too – couldn’t stop the ideas, had trouble walking away and if I had an idea, no matter how much work it was, I had to pursue it.  So why would it surprise me that I’m this way about art?  I guess because as I’ve already pointed out, I’m actually rather a practical gal (or at least there’s a practical element to my personality) and this particular passion is far from a sure thing, whereas a teaching career is mostly secure – at least it’s a regular paycheck one can count upon while it lasts.  Art is decidedly not, hence the fear factor.

I guess letting go of teaching allowed a new channel to open up, like the old saying of closing the door and opening a window.  Maybe it’s that way with everything, not just creativity.  Truly letting go of something – anger, hurt, resentment, fear – even security - will and can let something else in, and my guess is that whatever comes is going to be just fine. 

What if it really is all about accepting what is here and now?  Just being where one is and not looking for – anything, really.  It sounds good, but is it practical?  Perhaps it is, because whatever is, well -  is - and not accepting it won’t necessarily change it, it will just make the moment unpleasant.  So instead of fretting, I’m going to worry less and just do this  – pour all my energy into this moment, but be accepting of the (so rude!) interruptions of life, work and family.  That doesn’t mean I won’t take action or make changes, but hopefully it will come from the same place as the creativity instead of some ego-driven, anxiety-based, needy drive for fulfillment.

Whew – it sure sounds simple, but in all honesty, I’m not entirely sure I know what true acceptance feels like because I’m not sure I’ve ever truly experienced it.  I know I’ve seen it – most recently through my excellent mother’s example, and it looks – peaceful and lovely…like something worth pouring one’s energy into.  So here I go…check up with me later and see if I’m doing it, would you?  (Although you probably won’t need to as the universe seems to do a pretty good job of reminding me…)


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