When is Failure not a FAIL?

Failure isn't the opposite of success, failure is a stepping stone on the way to success.
                                                                                        
                                                                                      Arianna Huffington's mother

I finally finished my before un-named piece that I've been working on for a good two months or so.  It now has a name, Magnetism, but before I show it*** I want to tell the story of its creation.  This is one of those pieces that looks really simple (in fact I had to seriously check my ego when my sister-in-law said it looked like it was easy to make), but wasn't actually easy at all.  Basically once I had the drawing, I had to work out the construction, and it took a lot of thinking (for me at least) to figure out.  Once I got the how I was gonna do it, I had to actually do it.  Let me say, however, that although I felt it was a challenge, I really found myself enjoying it rather than being frustrated.  In the end I made about 7 extra squares because I wanted to make them as well as I could (notice I didn't say perfect, because I know better than to strive for perfection).  I even only got mildly irritated when I cut right through two completed squares and totaled them while trimming the colored circle seams. No cursing or even kvetching at all - that has to be a record!   

Once I got enough squares completed to my satisfaction, I was ready to construct the top. In my original drawing I had continued the yellow through the black sashing.  I worked on it for several days and tried many different ways, but I was just not able to make it work.  To my surprise, I really didn't find myself irritated or impatient at all even though nothing I tried worked.  Yes, I was a little disappointed, but once I saw it put together I was completely happy with it even though it hadn't lived up to my original expectations. 

Yahoo!  Now I was excited to back and quilt it, but then - I got another idea!  I decided it might be nice to put little black and white pluses in the middle of the piece.  Knowing it was not going to be a quick deal, I debated with myself and even took a photo and asked my friend Diane if I should.  She said yes of course - why wouldn't she?  It looked good and besides - she didn't have to do it!  But I agreed, so I then had to go back and undo the sashing and do what it took to add the pluses, adding more time and challenge.   And yes, some mild irritation attempted to sabotage my zen, but I succeeded in ignoring it and remaining calm and patient and yes, I really loved the result and deemed it totally worth it.

Finally I was ready to back and quilt it.  I don't really remember when I started it, but I have to say that this piece had already taken a lot longer than I thought it would but - and this is big but for me - despite the challenges so far I really had intensely enjoyed making this piece and I really, really liked it.  I spent a lot of time thinking about how to quilt it, but I couldn't come up with anything. Finally I got irritated with myself for acting like I was designing the Taj Mahal, so I just sat down and started quilting just the corner pieces.  And I'll be darned if I didn't like it!  

It was really time-consuming, however, and in the meantime I spent at least three hour-long walks trying to come up with a quilting design for the middles of the squares.   Again disgusted with myself putting too much energy into it, (I mean, I'm not going to be put in quilting jail or lose a limb if it's not right, am I?  It's just not that important, Carrie!) I sat down and started quilting the middle squares.  This time, however, it didn't work out.  Well, let me correct that - at first I thought I was happy with it.  In fact, I was so happy with it I actually quilted three entire squares.  Then I put it up on my design wall and looked at it for a day or so and realized not only was I not happy with it - I HATED it.  It wasn't true to my own personal design aesthetic at all - I realized I was trying to do heavy quilting like I'd seen on many quilts at Quiltcon - and more importantly, it wasn't at all right for this quilt.  But it was a heckuva lot of quilting and would take a heckuva a lot of time to pull out all those tiny stitches...

I thought about leaving it and just finishing the piece, I really did.  I mean, how important is this quilt?  I'd already spent so much more time on it than I had anticipated, and I do actually have other obligations to fulfill.  On the other hand, I really, really love this piece (sans the quilting, of course) and I really, really wanted the quilting to be right.  So I sighed heavily and began to pull all the stitches out.  It took over 45 minutes to undo the quilting on only one side of each square, but I took my time and pulled out every one of those suckers. And (and this part is almost miraculous to me) I actually felt grateful while I did it, because I was so glad that I could actually fix it.  After all, I wasn't in a hurry to finish it, and no, it's not important in the great scheme of things, I get that.  But when I had time, I worked on it a little bit.  To say I enjoyed it would be exaggerating, but I didn't mind it at all.  When I got too fatigued I just stopped and put it aside.  It took about a week, during which I finally figured out how I actually DID want to quilt it, and now, well - I sort of feel like it's some of my best work, ever!

But more importantly - I enjoyed creating this quilt, failures and challenges and all.  It was frustrating at times.  It took a long time.  It could have been a complete failure.  But it wasn't. And I really believe that in part it succeeded because no matter what happened, rather than allowing negativity to creep in, I just enjoyed the challenges.   I stayed calm and positive and was almost  - dare I say it?

                                              zen

Do I expect to be this way all the time from here on out?  Of course not!  I'm still me, and I'm far from enlightened.  But I'm going to try to remind myself of the joy of this experience often - especially when confronted with things that frustrate or annoy me.  Who knows - maybe in time it will become my way of handling things MOST of the time.  I think I'd like that.

***  I'll share some photos of the completed Magnetism in my next blog, I promise - it's late and I'm too tired to deal with photography right now.  Here's a look at the piece with the "all wrong" quilting, though.  I made it extra big so you could see it.  (Ugh - I still don't like it!)

These are not my pillows....

But I wish they were....

They were made to go with a wall hanging and the bed runner that is behind them in the photo.  

I am not a pillow maker - especially round pillows. So when someone asked me to make round pillows with piping, I almost said no.  But I'm so glad I didn't, because I learned a lot, and I enjoyed making them, and they turned out great.  

It just goes to show, one should try new things sometimes. Because you never know what you can do until you try it. .

However, sometimes one should know when to quit!

This morning, I set a goal for myself.  Finish the fourth pillow (it didn't make the picture), exercise, go to town and run errands, complete five more rows on my current project and write at least one of the blogs that has been running around in my head all week before we go to a play tonight. (At the time, it seemed pretty doable).

It started out to be a great day.  I was humming along, making great progress.  Then I hit a little snag... I really, really lost my cool. Again.

 I won't go into my ridiculous behavior, but allow me to set the table:  I've been quite excited to get going on this piece.  I finally got all the pieces organized and was ready to start sewing on Thursday.  I had a few little hitches, and I was a little crabby, but I was able to calm down, figure it out, and get five whole rows done.  And I loved it - it was looking so fabulous!  I decided because it is kind of an intense project that I would only sew five rows a day together (there are 21 rows in all).  That way I would not get bored or frustrated.  

Today, after finishing the pillow, I could hardly wait to get started on my five more rows.  The first three rows went together like a dream.  I was really enjoying myself, and I really thought I had gotten the hang of the pattern.  So much so, that when I got to the fourth row, I didn't really look at my sketch, I just pulled the squares and started sewing. What a disaster.  I had sewn them all backwards (or so I thought). 

Looking at my phone and seeing time was running out and I hadn't met my five-row goal, I got pretty annoyed and started muttering (and let's be honest, cursing) and berating myself. I should have stopped sewing right then. I thought about it, but I didn't.  I tried to calm myself down while I ripped every single one apart, but I was getting more and more annoyed.  Still, I kept on sewing,making more mistakes, getting more and more upset.  In the back of my head I kept saying,"Just stop, just stop - so what if you don't meet your goal," but I didn't stop.  

Finally I was able to get the whole fourth row completed.  Hooray - I was going to make my goal after all!  Happy and calm again, I carefully matched up the seams and sewed it to my already completed three rows.   And yep, I had sewed it completely upside down!  All the squares I thought I had sewn wrong in the first place were actually right. I hadn't consulted my sketch and so I did it all wrong.  Needless to say, I was not a picture of calm happy quilter at this moment.  (I forgot my husband was downstairs, so please don't ask him what i said - PLEASE!)  Suddenly I realized how ridiculous I was being and I started to laugh.  Who cares if I don't meet my goal, really nothing matters that much.  In the calm after my storm I made myself take it all apart, and then I ironed the squares and put them on my machine for next time.

I admit, I feel pretty discouraged that I still lose my cool like that.  I have been striving and striving to NOT do it - meditating, praying, exercising but I still do, and it makes me feel so - deflated.  Maybe that's why I feel compelled to confess it so publicly on this blog.  I know no one is perfect, and believe me, I'm not striving for perfection.  I just want to NOT lose my temper.  I want to listen to the voice in the back of my head when it waves it arms and screams "WARNING! WARNING!"  

Alas, today's experience tells me I still have a quite far to go before I reach that goal.  If I ever do.  But I'm going to forgive myself; I'm not going to use the fact that I feel like I'm never going to be the way I want to be as an excuse to stop trying, even in the face of extreme frustration. I'm going to try again and again and again...and again, if I have to.  

Because I forgot for a few moments that it's all about the journey, not the destination. (Guess the universe thought I needed some reminding.)   

I heard this quote by Ariana Huffington.  She said "Mistakes are not the opposite of success. They are just steps along the way."  

I guess I should be grateful for what happened today - is was an opportunity.  I missed it, but thanks anyway, universe!  Hopefully I won't miss it next time...

Hey Jude - Let it Be!

Have no fear of perfection...you'll never reach it. 
                                                                     Salvador Dali

Just reading a blog by Amy Garro at 13 Spools talking about a mistake in a quilt.  It made me think,,,I don't believe there is a piece I've ever made that doesn't have a flaw in it somewhere! 

Not that I'm bragging, of course.  

My goal, absolutely, is perfection.  But so far, I've never been able to attain it.  And somewhere along the line I realized I would have to settle for the aspiration of perfection, but the reality of not-so perfect.

For example, yesterday I was finishing a commissioned piece that so far had gone really well.  I literally was putting the final touches on the quilting, and I could not get the thread to cooperate (metallic thread, enough said).  It didn't look horrible, but it wasn't - well, perfect.   After pulling out the stitching three times in one area, it was becoming clear to me that perhaps I was setting my standard too high.  I took a few deep breaths and decided that if the next time, if it was good enough, I would just leave it.  Unable to resist trying to fix it, I tweaked** it one more time, but (this is the key, here) I had already accepted that it wasn't going to be exactly the way I wanted it to be... as you may have guessed, this time, it worked just fine and it looked exactly the way I wanted! 

Wish I could say this happens all the time, but nope, it doesn't.  Sometimes, I really do have to live with imperfections in my work  -  because, Man! these things are handmade.  Most of the time I'm flying blind, I have an idea and a sketch and if there's a pattern I made it myself and well - I'm not a machine, I'm a person, and boy oh boy am I imperfect!

Don't get me wrong I still (desperately, intensely) want to make my quilts perfectly!  I mean, everyone else seems to, why can't I?  The answer, silly me, is that everyone else doesn't!  I just don't see their mistakes the way I see mine.  Or sometimes I do see mistakes, but it doesn't negate the beauty of the piece or even really impact it at all - they're just there. Or maybe they have made mistakes but have been able to "fix" them so they aren't noticeable. (I was absolutely liberated one time by my friend Karen Kemp telling me about some class she took where the lady, a reknowned artist, actually said she uses SHARPIE markers to correct mistakes.  Yep, your eyes are not deceiving you, I said SHARPIE!)  

Of course, my favorite mistakes are the ones that actually enhance the beauty, as in "Oops - I accidentally made this piece even better!"    It does happen on occasion, you know, what a boon!  That's one we pretend we did on purpose. ( wink, wink) "I meant to do that!". 

Having said this, I think everyone has a certain line of what is acceptable and what isn't. After re-doing the binding on one of my favorite pieces recently I somehow ended up with a bare spot where the batting wasn't covered on the back!  EEKS!  This is completely unacceptable.  I had to take the entire area of binding off (again) and add a piece of fabric to cover it.  Excellently, I don't think one could tell at all now where that happened, and I'm sure not telling, but the point is, it had to be fixed.  On a different piece, there is some very small quilting that didn't turn out quite the way I wanted it to, but I left it in.   It's white on white, and really not all that noticeable and it would damage the fabric to try to pull it out and I just don't want to, either.   Does it irk me?  I would be lying if I said it didn't, a little.  But the goal is to Let. It. Be.

I have a pact with myself that I will do everything I can possibly do to make my work as perfect as I possibly can. If there is something I think I can fix, I will try to do so. And - here's the challenge for me - I strive to be calm and positive while I do it, too, while I do it. It takes a lot of self talk sometimes.  It goes something like  this:

"OH &^#($@!  What the *&##%!?  How did that happen?"

"Remember Carrie, you are trying to do the best you can do - it's worth it to try to figure this out, now DON'T GET FRUSTRATED CARRIE!   If you are getting mad you have to stop NOW!"  

"But," whines my mind's I,  "I don't waaanna to stop!"

"Okay, then you will CALM DOWN!" (deep breath, deep breath) 

"Alright I'm calm, let's do this, bi-atch!"

As I've said before, I want to create with a happy, positive vibe with my art, and I believe that comes not just from the design, but from the attitude of the creator, too - to bring joy, it must be created with joy.  And that includes when something goes wrong, too.  (Which happens to me pretty much daily.)

So not only is my art a daily practice for being present, it's also a daily practice in tolerance. Because sometimes we can fix mistakes, sometimes we can cover them up and sometimes...well, sometimes, we just have to --

                                                                 ACCEPT.



Here is a photo of the one with the bald spot - close up, even.  I think it's fine, except for the stuff sticking to the back of the quilt - need to get out my lint brush, methinks!

**I had been using clear monofilament as the bobbin thread, thinking it was the same consistency as the metallic, but I switched back to quilting thread and Viola!  Perfect stitches!

Does It Really Matter THAT Much?

Just realized I haven't written in a couple of weeks - been too busy working on projects and doing other stuff - you know, life.  I've also been struggling a little with a dilemma; it's rather a good problem to have, but still, there's a decision required at some point soon... and I just haven't been able to make a choice.

Here's the issue: I decided to enter a fabric challenge for Quiltcon 2015, and I have too many ideas!  What I mean is, (and it's a little difficult to admit to this) I'm sort of caught up in the "Which one is most likely to be chosen for the show?" thing.  I've already made one piece and am working on a second, and I even have a third idea I like, but that seems like overkill, doesn't it?   

I don't think it is so good to be fussing over this decision - it's giving it too much importance and focusing too much on the outcome rather than the doing.  In fact, as I write I'm getting the little niggling reminder in my head that nothing matters that much, and I should just make whatever comes to mind and whatever I have time for, and go with my gut and definitely not create with those thoughts in my mind.  In fact, I should be thrilled to have such a boatload of inspiration - it shouldn't be turned into a problem!    (Thanks for that little insight, universe - dilemma dissolved!  Another reason I love writing this blog, I almost always end up with some little kernel of wisdom that has been eluding me.)

This is, apparently, an eternal lesson for me - I definitely enjoy the entire process of creating but near the end of a project I tend to make more stupid mistakes (which makes me irritable) because I'm so anxious to see the finished product.  For example, yesterday I was sewing the binding on a piece and I was so excited to see what it looked like I did a terrible job and ended up having to resew practically the entire thing!   With that in mind I've recently made a little rule for myself that if I am getting crabby I have to walk away because I don't want negative energy to flow into my work - only positive, happy me can work in the studio. It might seem a little woo woo (to quote Carrie Bloomston), but I have seen how one person's negative energy can affect an entire room full of people, and I really want my art to bring joy and pleasure to people.  I think that anger, frustration, and anxiety can literally be transferred to the finished product if the creator is in a bad space.  And I know I don't want anything with that kind of bad juju hanging on the walls of my house or covering my bed - sounds a bit ominous, doesn't it?  

So when I feel this annoyance coming on I start with the self talk: "Okay, Carrie, if you can't enjoy this, just stop right now and go do something else," or "Is it really important to finish this right now?"  or "STOP! NOW."  If that doesn't work, I leave and come back later.  That's what I did yesterday with the binding - I made myself stop even though I really didn't want to, and I came back later and did it calmly and with joy and it was fun and I am really pleased with the outcome.  

Here's what I am thinking: Since creativity is basically a gift, it shouldn't be forced or have too much stress associated with it. That's not to say there are deadlines or other people to please, but they shouldn't cause anxiety and negativity.  Challenges are a part of life, period. They are never going to go away, no matter how good we have it.   It's the attitude with which we approach them - acceptance, calm, even the joy of being alive and having the problem - that's what matters.  I guess I just needed a little reminder of that. 

Update on Quick Quilt-Fixer Upper!

Well, I got it fixed - the warbled edges in my piece- such a relief!  Here I am, with iced tea, music, seam ripper, and the piece:

.  Note the smile - I had a positive, can-do attitude!  Here's what I did:  First, I ripped out the seams in the middle of the quilt, except for the blue center strip.  Then I measured down the middle of the top to the middle of the quilt and carefully measured inch by inch along the yellow and white and cut it to the same length.  Then I flipped it over and did the same for the bottom half and viola! It zipped up quite nicely - no more gaping.  Now the thing is sandwiched and ready to quilt, and for once, I know exactly how I'm going to quilt it.  My only question to myself is whether I should stitch in the ditch to preserve the straightness of the lines or just do the overall design.
I know Weeks Ringle, my current guru, is against ditch-stitching, but I wonder if in this case it's necessary, again, to keep everything super straight and crisp....I need some research for this, I think.  I'm going to the Craftsy Class I took from her to see what she has to say.  I'm also going to have a look-see at what another currently hot quilting guru, Angela Walters, has to say about it in her book.  Naturally I'd rather take the lazy way and not do it, but I'm pretty attached to this piece and I want to do whatever will make it look the crispest (if that's a word).  Oh joy, she doesn't stitch in the ditch, either!  So I guess I'm not going to because why do it if you don't have to? 
So far I'm quite pleased with this piece, now that I've gotten it fixed..  It has been rather a challenge, which may be surprising, given that it looks so simple.  But it really wasn't.  I had to be quite vigilant about making sure it was sewn as straight as a  semi-blind girl who tends to fudge and who is also without a quarter inch foot can sew (which, lacking vigilance and discipline, can lead to much stitch pulling, which in turn can potentially lead to cursing and frustration, which is not allowable if one's goal is zen... and which I am zen to report did not happen!   For once, I kept my presence about me, believe it or not!) And any time there is bias involved, it is tricky. But I'm nearly there, and like I said, pleased.

Here it is before sandwiching, hanging flatly on the wall, like it's supposed to.   It's simple, graphic and I love the colors - I think I'm going to call it The Sunny Day, cause it's just so darn happy!