Generally I’m a pretty active person. I have many things to do and I enjoy the challenge of doing them. For the last couple of days, however, I’ve been having a problem with motivation – or lack thereof. Blame it on my knee that’s been bothering me, blame it on the recent discovery that my darling cousin is fighting Stage IV cancer, blame it on hormones - whatever, but there it is! I feel all of a sudden, as though I’m having to force myself to do things: exercise, clean out my filthy car, or the refrigerators, or my house (usually I enjoy doing such things, believe it or not – I sort of use them as a spiritual practice – to enjoy whatever it is that needs to be done at the moment, even if it’s spending three hours vacuuming out the car – it is a pleasant feeling of accomplishment and a helluva(n) arm workout!) But I don’t feel like doing right now.
I don’t want to just sit and vegetate though, not at all – nope, instead I’m thinking back to my youth when spending an entire afternoon reading a book somehow didn’t seem like a waste of time at all. What I really feel like doing is being; I want to meditate, pray, read – books and blogs and poems, I want to write- in my journals, on my blog, on my stories, and of course, I want to create (okay, that’s doing, but it’s also a little like breathing for me – can’t not do it!)
Of course I’ve got a long list of to-do’s but I don’t feel like striking the iron, so to speak. Maybe the summer heat has made me indolent, I don’t know. But for the first time ever in my adult life, I think I might be in a unique position to give in to it. I’m on my own for a few days – my husband and son are in California, and so I’m going to experiment, and just do only exactly what I feel like doing, whatever that is at the moment. I realize it is a huge luxury, but I’m calling it a Soul Time. So what if the house needs cleaning, so what if I have errands to do, phone calls to make, etc. – they can wait a couple of days, none of them is particularly urgent. I’m going to do the some of the quiet things that I often put on the back burner until I’ve fulfilled all my other responsibilities (which rarely happens, of course!)
I’m thinking this is a fine idea - that allowing myself this time to sort of catch up on quiet time will allow me to go back into my regular life with renewed purpose, vigor, and joy. I also think it will lead to more and new inspirations, as being quiet often does. Who knows, if it works out, I may plan on doing it on a regular basis – once every so often just giving myself a day to do – nothing in particular. Sounds pretty dreamy but also it reminds me of the Sirens in Odysseus – don’t want to get lost in a vortex of not doing for too long! I’ll let you know how it all works out, of course. Just – if you don’t hear from me in a few days, send someone in after me, okay.
Been working on a quilt for charity – it’s the first patten quilt I’ve done in quite some time – lots of little squares! But I finally got the top finished and am on to backing and quilting. I admit I had to bring myself to presence several times; I found it a tiny bit irksome because it has been rather time-consuming – especially in my quest for perfection. It’s been a good practice to remind myself that I want to infuse everything I do with joy, especially something like this which is going to someone who needs it, and I wanted it to be special enough to show the recipient how important he is (it’s a boy quilt). Anyway, here’s a picture –