Be careful what you wish for, the old saying goes - you might just get it! And get it I did. And I don’t know what to do with it? Or how to make it work. Recently, with my husband’s blessing, I quit my job with no immediate plans to look for a new one. I decided to let a job come to me instead. I know who I am and what my skills and talents are, and I just feel like I want to take time to find the right thing - or to create ,the right thing, whichever. Meanwhile, I'm super busy - for the first time in my adult life, free to spend hours a day creating and writing, something I’ve dreamed of for years.
The trouble is, I’m having just a little trouble embracing this unexpected boon. Now that I have the time and the ability to work on my art, I can’t seem to allow myself to just enjoy it. Instead there is guilt and anxiety about it – as though I don’t deserve it or it can’t possibly last or (and this is the worst one) I’m not doing anything important. Well, maybe I don’t and it won’t and I’m not, but here it is anyway so why can’t I just shut up and “Carpe Diem,” dammit? Clearly I’m creating a problem where there isn’t one – what complete rot!
What I should be feeling is gratitude and excitement, but for some reason I’m fighting it – that stubborn, inbred puritanical streak snaking up and stopping all my fun! Again! It goes to show that humans can create struggles even in the happiest of life circumstances - kind of the mirror to the silver lining deal. In every good thing, there is an aspect of negative. Hey - I’m living the Chinese philosophy of yin/yang! How charming.
The trick is, I suppose, to just try to ride the yin and yang waves with equal parts acceptance, gratitude and hope and to try, whenever possible, to spread the love around, so to speak. Enjoy and be grateful for the good, endure and accept the bad, but don’t be too attached to any of it. I’ve always known that happiness cannot depend upon life circumstances, which are always changing - happiness is a state of mind, even a choice. I know this is true; during dark times I’ve used it to help me get through the tunnels of despair…still, I’m amazed at how it actually takes just as much discipline to accept good fortune - to just enjoy the ride! It seems that gratitude actually takes practice.
In which case I shall just have to grit my teeth, work hard and just endeavor to endure this peaceful, blissful moment...even if it kills me!
Oops I did it again:
Okay, I know I promised to keep you updated on my vow to not start any new projects before finishing all my old projects. I can report that I have completed three entire UFO’s. Hooray, considering for some reason I found it very boring - I am so “over” those pieces. I still have two old projects that need to be quilted, including the “Neverending Quilt,” which by definition will never be completed, I suppose, so whatever on that one.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I’ve also started and finished two wall hangings and a large throw quilt, spent four days on a shower curtain for my bathroom and am currently working on a project I’m calling “Pink Doesn’t Stink,” which I am enjoying immensely, by the way.
Hey - I’ve not added anything to the UFO pile, so there it is - progress! At least it's progress by my definition, and well - I'm the boss of me, aren't I?!