The other day I made a realization. When one has a lot of ideas and suddenly has the actual time to pursue said ideas, it’s hard to figure out what to focus upon. It’s not a new realization, really – I always seemed to struggle when I was taking only twelve hours in college, and my best semesters of all happened when I was working twenty or more hours and taking eighteen hours. I was busy as hell, but I got everything done and made good grades to boot.
At the moment I have the opposite – I am completely in charge of my day, which is a heavenly luxury. But - I’m having a hard time getting things done. I don’t know which “project” to focus upon, and I end up either completely neglecting one thing for others, or just feel overwhelmed and end up spending way, way too much time lost in the cyberworld. (It really is addicting- there’s so much to see, to research, to be inspired by…sometimes I feel like I’m Harry Potter and the internet is the Penseive thingy – I get too close and suddenly I’m sucked in, trapped until it decides to spit me out!)
One might say that I have too many projects. Well, too bad for that – I am determined to work at all these things to their ends, or until and unless they no longer make sense to pursue. I can let go of things if they aren’t right, but sometimes one has to keep pushing to make things happen. I don’t feel like I’ve ever really given some of these things that kind of effort, time and attention yet. So they are all still on the docket. Period.
It’s ironic, though, that we often wish we had more time to do this or that, but when we have the time, it still goes just as swiftly as it did when we didn’t have it! I now see why my older sister is so hyper-organized - she seems to have schedules for her schedules! I understand - she has so much on her plate that she simply won’t get things done if she doesn’t have time budgeted for it. To me, that has always seemed too rigid - I’ve always been more of a “take things as they come,” sort of girl. After all, I don’t want to miss out on any serendipitous events! (I’m sure my sister will tell you that it leads to my being somewhat flighty, and I won’t deny it. But I do have the good grace to feel guilty about it, at least…) And I’ve managed to get things done and be successful without it – mostly.
Too, when I was the mother of a young child, I ran across mothers who would never alter their child’s routines – everything revolved around the child’s schedule. That was NOT me. If there was something to do and it was naptime or lunch time, we skipped naptime, ate on the run and went and had fun! Yet I will admit that most of the time, we did have naptime, and a bedtime routine, and yes - a set schedule.
So I guess I need to do both – set a schedule and maybe some deadlines and follow them the majority of the time, but still be flexible enough to stay with something if it’s inspired, or needs attention right now. After all, creativity and inspiration are not subject to schedules – they appear when they appear, and I’m still me enough to have to go with them when they do their dance on my head.
Such a lovely dilemma to have, anyway. I’m not complaining – just, as usual, working things out as I write. I wonder if most people feel torn, as I do, between being a disciplined grown up and a free-spirited will o’the wisp. For me, it’s been sort of a lifelong battle between my two, seemingly equal, natures. It’s difficult to embrace both sides and make it work. The practical side has won out mostly and I frankly resent it sometimes! But now that the other me is free, I fear it needs to be reined in a little because it’s a little scary! And maybe not so productive, and life is short! So once again, I'm trying to balance the two with an uneven scale. I’ll try to be honest about how things are going. For example, I did plan on blogging on Mondays, and here it is Wednesday…oops - already off schedule! J