Once this was so, but it's no longer true, actually. I have learned in the past year to ignore my shouting brain a great deal, and just be present. It takes practice and discipline for me to do this, and I don't always succeed, but what a difference it's made in me and in my life - all good.
Furthermore, what's interesting is the result: A marathon of ideas and creating. I haven't been writing, but believe me, I've been busy. It's quite distracting, really, the way I'm being constantly bombarded with ideas - I shut my eyes to go to sleep and pop, INCOMING! I'm staring at a bunch of fabric which I would never normally be attracted to (almost finished with that one)...one night I stayed up half the night sketching half a dozen ideas that simply would not let me rest until I got them on paper, then went to my studio and picked out the fabric. While waiting in a two-hour line with my son to get his learner's permit (Yikes!) I simply allowed the moment(s) to be. Suddenly into my head popped a design for a quilt. It was so powerful that I had to run outside to the 100+ degree car and sketch it immediately.
It's rather lovely, really, although I do find that I need to learn some moderation. I now have a super long idea list. (Yeah, I make lists of future projects - what about it?!) But the moderation part is difficult. I was actually not excited to go on vacation this summer because I knew I wouldn't be able to create for a few weeks (I got over it, but still -that's SICK!) And when my son was away at band camp a week or so ago, I literally created all day every day - I mean sixteen, eighteen hour days, and I only stopped when I was cross-eyed from fatigue.
I really don't want to stop working - it's so odd, really. I mean, I love my family, and I do need desperately to clean my windows and yes, there are crunchy things under my feet when I walk around the house, not to mention the sever layers of dust in/on my car...(heavy sigh)how tedious.
It makes me wonder why. Why am I so driven by this need to be constantly creating? Why is this urge so strong that I literally resent having to go to the bathroom? Surely it simply cannot sustain itself at this level. (I'm not altogether sure I want it to, anyway - my house might be condemned, not to mention I might lose my job...my family...all my friends...) The irony is that it isn't at all a practical thing upon which to spend so much time and energy - I mean, by no means is there any assured return on my investment of time, but on the other hand - it makes me feel so alive, so excited, so free. Just thinking about it makes me want to go upstairs and get to work...
I've tried to make myself a schedule, and I do force myself to drive to town and pick my son up from band practice (So demanding!), and I'm still fixing meals (occasionally) and doing laundry (half-assedly). I'm even planning a last summer fling for my family to float down the river this week, but beneath it all I still hear the siren call of my studio, my ideas, and my art, beckoning.
I'm just going with it for the moment, allowing it to be what it is - a glorious cacophony of inventiveness and productivity. And I do think in time it will even itself out, because after all I do have a practical, mature, realistic side, and I'm not entirely selfish and self-centered (I think). But I must say, I do understand Jackson Pollack a lot better now.
Here are some of the fruits of my summer labor:
Color Block II
Dreaming in African II