So from where does inspiration come? It seems to come from everywhere,
actually. One can be inspired in the
most unexpected ways and places, sometimes it’s inconvenient and sometimes kind
of funny – like having to make a sketch of some idea in the dark theater in the
middle of a movie - but I subscribe to the belief that it’s all out there
coming from the one source, and we just have to be present and aware and it
flows in. Not that it matters, I’m just thrilled
to be channeling all this creativity from the universe.
At least, I think I am.
I
mean, I have so many ideas and plans right now, I don’t know how I can possibly
get them all done - ever. And yet I’m
constantly bombarded by a barrage of inspiration…I dutifully sketch them, (not
just because I don’t want to lose the vision but because I’m actually sort of
an organized sort – not that you could tell that by my studio) add them to my
list, and sometimes I’m so excited I abandon whatever I’m currently working on
to begin something else because I’m totally compelled by it. It’s both exhilarating and
exhausting…naturally I love it!
But once again, I find myself questioning
this drive to create and what it’s all about.
It’s by no means a secure investment of my time or money, but for some
reason I just can’t seem to care, which naturally scares the stuffing out of my
practical, responsible side. Let’s be
honest – it is a bit scary/ridiculous
that I resent having to work at my part-time job because it interferes with my
art. It’s only three days a week, for goodness sake! But there you have it - I think I might need
an intervention…
And BAM! Once again my examination of my own
insanity leads to a new revelation. It seems I have to have a passion in my
life, something that is almost – oh, who am I kidding - completely consuming. Looking
back I realize I was that way as a teacher too – couldn’t stop the ideas, had
trouble walking away and if I had an idea, no matter how much work it was, I
had to pursue it. So why would it
surprise me that I’m this way about art?
I guess because as I’ve already pointed out, I’m actually rather a
practical gal (or at least there’s a practical element to my personality) and
this particular passion is far from a sure thing, whereas a teaching career is
mostly secure – at least it’s a regular paycheck one can count upon while it
lasts. Art is decidedly not, hence the
fear factor.
I guess letting go of teaching allowed a new
channel to open up, like the old saying of closing the door and opening a window. Maybe it’s that way with everything, not just
creativity. Truly letting go of
something – anger, hurt, resentment, fear – even security - will and can let
something else in, and my guess is that whatever comes is going to be just
fine.
What if it really is all about accepting what is here and now? Just being where one is and not looking for –
anything, really. It sounds good, but is
it practical? Perhaps it is, because
whatever is, well - is - and not accepting it won’t necessarily change it, it will just
make the moment unpleasant. So instead
of fretting, I’m going to worry less and just do this – pour all my energy into this moment, but be
accepting of the (so rude!) interruptions of life, work and family. That doesn’t mean I won’t take action or make
changes, but hopefully it will come from the same place as the creativity
instead of some ego-driven, anxiety-based, needy drive for fulfillment.
Whew – it sure sounds simple, but in all
honesty, I’m not entirely sure I know what true acceptance feels like because
I’m not sure I’ve ever truly
experienced it. I know I’ve seen it – most recently through my
excellent mother’s example, and it looks – peaceful and lovely…like something
worth pouring one’s energy into. So here
I go…check up with me later and see if I’m doing it, would you? (Although you probably won’t need to as the
universe seems to do a pretty good job of reminding me…)
OOOOMMMM
