Monday, February 6, 2012

Bunches and Bunches...of Malarky

OMG – what load last week’s blog was.  Let me just tell you right now about that schedule I planned to assiduously adhere to last week:   It ain’t going to happen, folks!  (Those of you who know me well are possibly rolling around on the floor in hilarity right about now, aren’t you?  Well…you told me so!)  All I can say in my defense is that I actually was completely sincere at the time…
In fact, just looking at the list as I formed it made me feel itchy and irritable – I wanted to reach into the computer and wipe that smug list off its smug, flat face!  I started dreading getting up in the morning to face the list before I even put a single item on it!
But I did have an epiphany (yep, another one).  In the act of trying to be “a grown up,” I realized what I want to do at this moment is to give myself permission to  be free to do what I feel like doing at any given moment, not tie myself to some esoteric ideal of how I should be behaving.  It’s not as though I’m  NOT getting anything done, anyway – I feel I am taking better care of my family and my life than I ever have done before and I’m full of ideas and joy, so really, what more is there?  I just thought that maybe I could fit more “creative” time in, but really, it’s just a matter of choice.  I can find the time if I want to, or I can waste time on things that don’t really matter to me.  It’s that simple. 
Now then, it wasn’t a total wasted idea, making a list - it did help to look at what’s important to me on a daily basis.  I also ended up making a list of “BIG” To-do’s; things I want to accomplish in the Near…or Not-So-Near, future.  Also known as a “Someday maybe I might want to”, or “Someday I might absolutely have to do this or else” – you know, a long-range list. 
I’ll print it and put it on my kitchen bulletin board where I will, most likely, happily ignore it most of the time (as I do my calendar).  Then, every once in a while I’ll think ‘Hey, I think I actually feel like cleaning out the car today,’ or I might experience some such rare and out-of-character urge to organize my closet or to do some other equally dreary, but once accomplished task which leads to a shallow sense of accomplishment and even temporary enjoyment (temporary because it will soon be a mess again - but still worth it). 
This burst of "Type A" energy will come over me for no particular reason, as it occasionally does, and I will swiftly move to act on it so as to be able to actually cross an item off the list.   As I accomplish my big tasks I’ll possibly do a little tarantella or salsa dance of joy and then go back to complete disregard of it again for a long while. 
Naturally I realize I’ll have to add more to it at times - I’m no idealistic fool! ("HA!" again, huh?)   In fact, it shall henceforth be known as the “Neverending List of Things that Must Be Done at Some Point…Or Another.”

But for now it’s back to flying by the seat of my pants again for me, pretty much.  Hey …at least I’ll be flying! J